


Why the hell not bury myself in decadence?

by nyonya_laura



Series: The End. [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive Dean, Abusive Relationships, Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Castiel, Coda, Dean Being an Asshole, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug-Induced Sex, Drunk Sex, Emotional Manipulation, Episode: s05e04 The End, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Graceless Castiel, Human Castiel, I'm Sorry Castiel, Jealous Dean, Kissing, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Manipulative Dean, Oral Sex, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, POV Dean, POV Dean Winchester, Possessive Dean, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Smut, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-07-29 08:00:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 59,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7676548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nyonya_laura/pseuds/nyonya_laura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zachariah sends Dean five years into the future to show him the consequences of saying no to Michael. He learns of what will become of the world, of Sam and Bobby and of where all of that leaves him and Cas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is one fucked up future.

Someone was knocking on the door of his cabin and Dean didn't need to look in order to know who was standing at his doorstep.

He had been lying on his bed and honestly felt exhausted. His day had been nothing but terrible and he had just really needed a moment for himself. One little moment of peace... Yet, apparently, Cas couldn’t even give him that. He already felt irritated before he even turned to look at the door seeing Cas walk in.

Cas was smiling at him. Dean wasn’t surprised to see that his pupils were dilated.

Cas walked over to his bed and as he took a seat on the edge of the mattress, Dean felt himself tense up. He wasn't in the mood. Not for Cas, not for anyone. Dean sat up against the headboard and said nothing. For a moment, they only looked at each other.

Cas was staring at him. ‘Dean, you look stressed. Are you alright?' Cas asked. 

Dean couldn’t help but feel annoyed by that question. Like... Yes, he was fucking stressed because running the camp wasn’t easy. He was responsible for so many things and sometimes it was just too much. And sure, there were a few people that were there for him and helped him, like Risa and Chuck, but still, when it came down to it, everyone always looked at him for guidance, for leadership, yet, how the hell was he supposed to know what was best? 

Sometimes, though, Dean _did_ feel like he was doing a good job. Some days, he did feel like he actually was still protecting people, saving them. Like he was making a difference, for the people that lived in the camp at least... But, on the other hand, there also were days like this. 

Today hadn't been a great day. In fact, it had been a fucking disaster. He had headed out with a few people to go on a supply run. They were running low on supplies and food, like always, so it was necessary. They desperately needed more. But it all went wrong. They were attacked by a bunch of those fucking Croats and two of his people were killed. It sucked. And though Dean wasn't even really that close to them, his spirits were nonetheless lower than they had been in a long time. 

Dean briefly wondered what Cas must have been doing all day. He was pretty sure that the answer would either be drugs or sex, or both. 

Dean huffed. ‘Rough day.’ He responded curtly.

As a response, Cas immediately moved a little closer to him on the bed and lay his hand down on Dean's upper leg. ‘Yeah, I heard what happened. I’m really sorry, Dean.’ He said with a compassionate look on his face.

Dean said nothing.

Then, Cas smiled and inched even closer to him. ‘Maybe... It would be good for you to relax a little?’ He then said.

Dean rolled his eyes and looked at Cas’s hand on his leg. Cas used to do that a lot and he always used to liked it, because... it was like their shoulder-touch, but somehow a little more intimate. Dean used to envelop Cas’s hand in his whenever Cas did that. 

But, that was then. 

Dean smiled knowingly. ‘And that’s why you're here?’ He asked coldly.

'Um...'

'You're here to help me relax? Really?'

Cas shrugged. ‘Dean I-I came because I heard what happened... and I just wanted to see if you were okay. See if I could help you, maybe.’ Cas responded with a sincere look on his face. Dean almost couldn't help roll his eyes. Somehow, the way Cas had said it sounded so innocent. Yet, Dean knew all too well that Cas was far from that.

And, really, he wanted to help? That was nice... However, it was a little too late. Just like it always was a little too late with Cas. With Cas, it was always like this; he was never really there when Dean needed him. Like today for instance, Cas could have been a great help if he just could've stayed away from his booze and drugs for one fucking moment. He easily could have gone with them on the supply run, but he never bothered anymore. Instead, Cas preferred to just stay in the camp, doing God knows what. _Fucking useless..._ And then, whenever Cas heard that things had gone south, he would come to him and offer Dean his help. But by then, the damage would already be done. It was frustrating. He'd turned into such a lazy piece of shit and did nothing useful anymore. And Dean couldn’t help but resent Cas for that. 

Dean laughed cynically. ‘Cas, if you really wanted to help, you could've gone with us. But you didn’t.’ He said trying to temper his frustration and anger.

Cas looked down and drew his hand away. He immediately looked ashamed and guilty. 

‘I’m sorry, you’re right, I-I should have gone with you.’

‘Yes, you should've. I hope your orgy, or whatever you were doing today was fucking worth it.’ Dean snarled.

‘Dean, I wasn't...’

‘Shut up, I don’t give a fuck.’ Dean interrupted. The thing however, was, that he did give a fuck. Maybe. He'd never admit it, but the thought of Cas with other people always just made his fucking skin crawl. He'd just always thought of Cas as his, and despite everything, that feeling had never really changed. 

It was a feeling that went further than mere jealousy. Ever since he'd known Cas, even before they had gotten involved, he saw Cas as his. He had always been _his_ angel, and even though a lot had changed between them, that feeling of misplaced possessiveness hadn’t. 

Cas lightly shook his head. ‘Dean, you know I don’t really want them. They are nothing. I don't care about anyone else.’ Cas said softly before he leaned in slightly. ‘I just want you, and... I want you to be okay. I don't like seeing you like this.’ 

Cas was looking at him almost pleadingly with his piercing big, blue eyes. Those eyes used to mesmerise him. Yet, they didn’t do that as much anymore. It wasn’t like they were less beautiful than they used to; it was just that Dean’s perception of Cas had changed. A lot. Dean just saw him in a different light now. Somehow, all the things Dean used to love about Cas became clouded by his frustrations. 

Cas continued when he didn't really get any response. ‘I only want you, Dean. Let me.’ Cas added before he moved his hands onto Dean's chest and started pressing soft kisses on his neck.

As Cas was so close to him now, Dean could suddenly smell him a lot better too. Cas just reeked of alcohol, drugs and sex, and though that all didn't really came as a surprise to him, Dean still felt slightly appalled. He didn’t even know what bothered him the most, though, it was probably the sex... But more than anything, it proved that Cas saying he only wanted him was just total bullshit. 

Dean huffed. ‘Yeah, sure, you only want me. 'Cause it’s not like you’ve been letting half the camp fuck you or anything.'

'Dean-'

'You’re a slut Cas and everyone knows that, including me, so you don’t have to pretend.’ Dean sneered and Cas drew back immediately. He looked hurt, but Dean found that he didn’t really care about that.

'Pretend?'

'Yes, pretend.' Dean snarled. 'I mean really, you don't have to act as though it's just me and only me you want. 'Cause we both know that one person is nowhere near enough for you, don't we?'

Cas just looked away and said nothing.

‘For God’s sake, Cas, get yourself the fuck together or just leave me alone.’ Dean then snarled as he stood up and started walking out of the cabin.

He just needed to get out of there.

Though he rejected Cas right now, there were other times when he would give in and just took what Cas offered. Sometimes, he wanted it- needed it, but this was just not one of those times. Today, he just felt disgusted and angry and wanted to be as far away from Cas as he could be.

It was dark and quiet outside and Dean wandered the grounds of the camp with no particular destination in mind. Some time later, when he decided that he had enough of it, he started to head back towards his own cabin, hoping that Cas would be gone.

Yet, halfway back, he noticed movement in the field where all the broken cars were parked and rotted away. Which was strange; nobody just hung out there. So, Dean quietly moved closer and then he could see that there was a person standing by the Impala... _His Impala._ Dean couldn't recognise who it was because it was so dark out, but he was sure that it wasn’t someone from the camp; they wouldn't just come here in the middle of the night. No one from the camp ever came here at all. Therefore, Dean grabbed one of the largest bricks that he could find in his reach from the ground, walked over as quietly as possible to the person and then smashed it against the their head.

 

 

 

It was weird and hard to believe, _really_ hard to believe, but the guy sitting chained and unconscious in front of him was an exact replica of himself. _What. The. Hell._ Dean had no idea what was going on.

They were at the camp’s headquarters and Dean had been packing his duffel bag when his double came to. ‘What the hell?’ He groaned. With a surprised look on his face, he looked around and then looked at his cuffed right wrist. He immediately began to yank at the cuff.

‘I should be asking that question, don't you think?’ Dean asked instead.

‘Look, man—I'm no shapeshifter or demon or anything, okay?’

Dean knew that. He had tested everything on the guy while he was unconscious and there was no result. He didn't react to anything; not to holy water, not to silver, not to anything at all. Yet, the guy still had a lot to explain. ‘Yeah, I know. I did the drill while you were out.' Dean said. 'Silver, salt, holy water—nothing. But you know what was funny? You're carrying with you every hidden lockpick, box cutter, and switchblade that I carry. Now, you want to explain that? Oh, and the, uh, resemblance, while you're at it?’

His twin sighed. ‘It must have been Zachariah... That fucking asshole plucked me from my bed and threw me five years into the future.’ He explained, sounding annoyed and a little confused. 

Dean needed a second to understand. 'You're from-'

'2009, yeah.' His double finished for him.

It was weird, but not exactly unbelievable. He wouldn't put it past Zachariah to pull something like this. Dean still needed a moment to fully process it, but once he had, he chose to believe it as the truth. But then, he realised something. If Zachariah was still in his past self's life, maybe it was possible he could contact with him... Maybe he'd be able to hand himself over. Maybe it wasn't too late. ‘Where is he? I want to talk to him.’ He therefore said as he stepped closer to his other self, while trying to hide the desperation he suddenly felt. 

‘I... don't know.’ Was all his past-self said however.

‘Oh, you don't know.’ He repeated in a frustrated voice.

‘No, I don't know.' His past-self replied, now sounding equally frustrated. 'Look, I just want to get back to my own fucking year, okay?’ He snapped back.

Dean sighed. That really wasn't his problem. Besides, there was nothing he could do. Yet, what _was_ his problem though, was the guy's presence in the camp. If he really was going to stay, Dean needed to make sure that he wasn't a threat. He needed to be sure that all the guy was, was a past version of him from 2009. ‘Okay... If you're me, then tell me something only I would know.’ He therefore demanded.

His replica seemed to think for a moment, then he smiled. ‘Rhonda Hurley. We were, uh, nineteen. She made us try on her panties. They were pink. And satiny. And you know what? We kind of liked it.’ 

For a moment, Dean felt stunned. He hadn’t expected to be reminded of _that,_ yet, it definitely was true that it was something only he would know. ‘Touché.' He therefore said. He still wanted to know more though. 'So... What, Zach zapped you up here to see how bad it gets?’ He asked.

His double shrugged. ‘I guess... Croatoan virus, right? That's their endgame?’

Dean nodded.

‘What about Sam?’ His double then asked, frowning.

And again, he was reminded of a subject he really didn’t expect to be reminded of. Though, while the reminder of Rhonda Hurley didn't hurt, this one definitely did. Sam... Not many people in the camp knew about Sam, but the ones who did, knew better than to bring him up. Even with Cas, he hadn't talked about Sam in ages. Not that they talked much anymore at all...

Still, he did still think about Sam. A lot. His little brother crossed his mind all the time.

_Dean had failed to protect him..._

Being reminded of it kind of felt like being stabbed in the chest. ‘Heavyweight showdown in Detroit. From what I understand, Sam didn't make it.’ He said and was glad that he was successful in keeping all emotion from his voice. 

'You weren't with him?' His past-self asked, looking confused.

'No.' Dean gulped. 'No, me and Sam, we haven't talked in—hell, five years.' 

Dean looked at his past-self, who now was frowning. He looked upset by the news. 'We never tried to find him?'

Dean shrugged. 'We had other people to worry about.' He said, trying to sound as nonchalant about it as possible.

Then Dean picked up his bag, threw it around his shoulder and made to leave. He couldn’t talk about it anymore. He needed to get out of there. 

‘Where you going?’

‘I got to run an errand.’

‘Whoa. You're just gonna leave me here?’ 

‘Yes. I got a camp full of twitchy trauma survivors out there with an apocalypse hanging over their head. The last thing they need to see is a version of The Parent Trap. So, yeah, you stay locked down.’

‘Okay... All right. Fine. But you don't have to cuff me, man.' He pleaded, but Dean made no move to free him. He walked to door. 'Oh, come on. You don't trust yourself?’ He then asked.

‘No. Absolutely not.’ He responded, before walking out the door.

 

 

 

Wow... He had become such a dick. Dean could understand that the past few years couldn’t have been easy for himself, but still. Yet, it didn’t really matter, because before he knew it, he would be out of here. He wasn't planning on making this a long-term stay. After all, he had a lot of stuff to get back to. Dean managed to get out of the cuffs pretty quickly with the help of a nail he was able to pluck from the floorboards. He walked outside the cabin and after an encounter with Chuck, he found out that Cas was somewhere in the camp. His solution. Cas would be able to zap him back and then he'd be back in no time and forget about all this. 

However, he did wonder why his future-self hadn’t just told him Cas was here and hadn't just sent him to Cas himself. After all, it didn't seem like the guy wanted him to stick around in the first place. 

When he reached the cabin Chuck had directed him to, Dean walked up the stairs. It was one of the largest cabins around. He pushed aside the beaded curtains and carefully peeked into the room. To Dean's surprise, he found Cas was not alone. He had never thought of the angel as a people’s person, yet, here he was, hanging out with a few other people, sitting on the floor for some reason. Still, that wasn’t the only thing that surprised him about the scene he had walked into; there was the music and the smell... and Dean had trouble believing this was actually the cabin Cas lived in at all.

He looked so different too. It seemed he had done away with his usual attire and had replaced it was some kind of hippie outfit.

When Cas noticed him standing in the doorway, the angel smiled and winked at him; which was also really weird. What the fuck was that about? Still, it was nowhere near as weird as the thing Cas said a couple of seconds later. Get washed up for the orgy? _Orgy?_ Dean couldn't have possibly heard that right. Right? Yet, apparently, the women just obeyed and left immediately.

When they were gone, Cas stood up, turned his back to him and stretched. 

Dean was so confused. ‘What are you, a hippie?’ Dean asked, still so stunned about it all.

He heard Cas sigh. ‘I thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.’ He said. 

_Great._ Cas thought he was the future version of him... 

‘Cas, we got to talk.’ He said, wanting to explain.

Cas then spun around and for some reason, he looked slighty angry. ‘Why? I thought I had to leave you alone? And now you come to me? Weren’t you supposed to be on your errand?’

‘No, I’m not. Listen, I need to talk to you.’

Cas huffed. ‘Dean, what’s there left to say? You made it pretty clear what you thought of me last night, so don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore.’

This was so strange. Cas seemed upset in a way Dean had never seen him before. Cas was always so composed and levelheaded, but he wasn't right now and Dean didn’t even know what he was so upset about.

Yet, it was clear that Cas and his future-self had some problems, and Dean couldn’t help but be curious about what they were fighting about.

‘What are you talking about?’ He asked.

Cas suddenly looked more hurt than angry. ‘Forget it.’ He said softly, shaking his head a little. 

‘Um. Okay…’

‘What is it you need from me, Dean?’

Dean kind of felt bad for the guy and wanted to help, but he knew that even though the issues were between him and Cas, they weren’t between _him_ and Cas. It wasn’t his business, and besides, he was here to get back to his own time. That was all that mattered. 

‘Cas, listen, I know this is gonna sound strange but I’m not… _your Dean.’_ He eventually said, not knowing a better way to put it. ‘I'm from 2009 and Zachariah zapped me here to show me how fucked up the world would get if I kept saying no to Michael.’

Cas regarded him for a moment. ‘Interesting.’ He said eventually.

Dean definitely hadn’t expected that response. He'd expected suspicion or even a blow to the head, but not ‘’interesting’’. ‘Oh, yeah, it's fucking fascinating.’ He therefore said sarcastically. ‘Now. Why don't you strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calendar?’ 

This made Cas laugh loudly, but somehow it felt very forced and it unsettled Dean a little. ‘I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings, but I'm sorry, no dice.’ Cas then said.

Dean frowned. He didn’t understand. Why couldn’t Cas just do what he asked? He was an angel, and had sent him through time before. Why couldn't he just do that again now?

Dean stared at Cas. He was acting so strange, it was almost like...

‘Are-are you stoned?’ Dean asked.

‘Uh, generally, yeah.’ Cas said, still laughing. 

Yet, Dean wasn’t laughing. There was literally nothing funny about the situation to him at all. 

‘What happened to you?’ He asked, starting to feel a little concerned now. 

‘Life.’ Was all Cas said in reply.

Dean took that in for a moment. ‘You want to elaborate?’ He then pried further.

Cas sighed. ‘I don’t know; it would take a while.’ He said.

‘Well, it’s not like I have anywhere to go apparently...’ He said and it was true; he had no way of going back now that he'd found out that Cas wasn’t able to zap him back. He guessed that all he could do now was just wait until Zachariah was satisfied and brought him back. 

So, he might as well listen to what would happen to them in the future. Right?

Cas sat down on the floor and so did Dean. He sat down next to Cas, so that were both leaning against the side of the bed.

Cas smiled a sad smile. ‘I... don't even know where to begin.’

‘Uh... Sam and I just went our separate ways. What happened after that?’ Dean asked, trying to give Cas a point to start from.

‘Ah yeah. You split up, and then couple of months later Sam says yes to Lucifer.’

Dean still could hardly believe that and the knowledge Sam would do that, hurt. _Why would he?_ Dean wondered. 

‘Why?’ He therefore asked Cas. 'Why the hell would he do that?'

Cas shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Dean. We both didn't understand why he did what he did, but... he said yes. And you were so upset. However, you didn’t really have much time to deal with that since the virus broke out not long after.' He shook his head. 'Everything was chaos...’

‘What about the angels? Didn’t they do anything?’

Cas chuckled. ‘They left.’

‘What!?’

‘What can I say, they were just done and they left. And left the earth with Lucifer to do with as he pleased.’

‘But what about you then, Cas? You stayed?’

‘Yes, I-I thought it was the right thing, to stay. I thought that I could help you, and you had just lost Sam... I just couldn’t leave you too.' He paused. 'I only didn't expect to completely lose my powers. That was unexpected, but... I adapted. We started this camp with Bobby and it was a good thing. We helped people.’ Cas smiled, and Dean thought to himself that it really was the first genuine smile he'd seen this Cas make. 

‘And you taught me everything I know and we-’ Cas abruptly stopped mid-sentence and the smile disappeared from his face. ‘For a while, everything was okay- we were okay. But this one day, everything went to shit.'

'What happened?'

'On one of the runs, we were attacked by Croats- so many of them and we hardly got out. We lost Bobby that day.’ Dean closed his eyes, that was just terrible. He'd already been wondering why Bobby didn't seem to be around. ‘Dean, it broke you. And I- I injured my leg and couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. I’m not proud of it but that’s when the whole drugs thing started. My leg healed, but since then, I’ve been all but useless.’

‘That’s what we’re fighting about.’ Dean concluded.

‘Uh... yeah. Exactly.’ Cas replied, but he sounded hesitant, like he wasn’t telling him something. 

‘Hmm... Man, this one fucked up future.’ He said.

Cas smiled. ‘Tell me about it.’

For a moment, both of them were silent and Dean kept looking at Cas, who was looking so unlike himself. So vulnerable, somehow. Dean didn't like that look on him; he looked broken and it was as clear as day that all the laughs and smiles were just part of a facade. 

Dean felt bad for him and couldn't help but feel guilty somehow. _Because, wasn't it his fault that Cas ended up like this?_

'I'm sorry Cas. I'm sorry this all happened.' He said even though he wasn't sure what exactly it was he was apologising for. It had just felt like he had to.

His apology made Cas look up. 'What?' He said confusedly.

'I said I'm-'

'Yeah, I heard you. Sorry, it's just- you don't normally apologise to me.'

'Ah... Yeah, I noticed I've become kind of a dick.'

Cas smiled. 'I think he's entitled, he's been through a lot.' Cas justified.

Dean frowned. 'Well, so have you, Cas. And... I can hardly blame you for wanting some release, even if that release comes in the form of drugs or orgies. Which... are both so unlike you by the way.'

Cas laughed. 'Yeah, I guess I'm pretty different than your Cas, huh?'

It felt a little weird that Cas had referred to his past-self as ''his Cas'', but Dean let it slide regardless. It wasn't important. 

Dean smiled. 'You really are, but then again, I must be a lot different as well?'

'Yes.' Cas nodded. 'But... it's a good different.' He then said with an expression Dean was unable to grasp. Then, Cas was looking down again.

For a moment, they both said nothing and Dean couldn't help but stare at Cas, who was looking down at his hands. The conversation had left him with a heavy pit in his stomach.

He also felt a lot of sympathy for this Cas. Looking at him now, he looked nothing like the all powerful angel that he knew. Dean could tell that this version of Cas, was very lost.

He wondered how is future-self could have let this happen. Where was he when Cas turned into this? He figured he must have been busy with running the camp, but still... this was Cas. For some reason, Dean felt the urge to comfort him, but in all honesty he didn't know how to.

Besides, before he could do anything at all, he could hear the sound of gates opening and cars driving into the camp.

His future-self was back.


	2. I like past-you.

He was roughly shoved into the cabin, before his future-self shut the door behind them. 

‘What the hell was that!?’ His future-self asked him angrily. 

Dean, however, felt equally upset. Because, after his short talk with Cas, he had gone outside, despite Cas telling him not to. He had planned to stay out of sight, just like his future-self had wanted him to. But that was up until he he saw himself just straight up off another guy. It all had happened so suddenly and Dean had tried to warn the guy, but by then, it was too late. He was dead.

Afterwards, his future-self had explained that the guy, Yeager was his name, had been infected by the Croatoan virus. But still... what happened was just not okay. What scared him the most was also the cold-blooded way his future-self had killed the guy. There was almost not a single trace of emotion visible on his own face.

Unlike right now though; his future-self looked fucking pissed. 

‘What the hell was that? _You_ just shot a guy in cold blood!’ Dean bit back.

‘I already explained it to you, one of those Croats had infected Yeager.’

Dean frowned. ‘How do you even know that?’

‘Cause after a few years of this, I know. I started seeing symptoms about half an hour ago. Wasn't gonna be long before he flipped. I didn't see the point in troubling a good man with bad news.’

Dean was stunned by his own words and behaviour. He knew that he had no choice but to kill the guy, but the way he had done it had still been so wrong. 

‘Troubling a good man?' He repeated. 'You just blew him away in front of your own people! Don't you think that freaked them out a little bit?’

His future-self just shrugged. ‘It's 2014. Plugging some Croat, it's called commonplace. Trading words with my fucking clone- _that_ might have freaked them out a little.’

‘All right, look-’ He started, wanting to explain that it wasn’t his intention to be seen.

‘No, you look. This isn't your time. It's mine. You don't make the decisions. I do. So, when I say stay in, you stay in.’

‘All right, man. I'm sorry. Look, I-I'm not trying to mess you- me- us up here. It's just been a really wacky weekend.’ He said, trying to appease him a little. He didn’t want to piss his future-self of any further, so he hoped apologising would help. 

His future-self huffed. ‘Tell me about it.’

‘What was the mission, anyway?’ He asked curiously.

His future-self pulled out a gun, which he immediately recognised as the Colt. 

‘The Colt. Where was it?’

‘Everywhere. They've been moving it around. Took me five years, but... I finally got it. And now, I can kill the devil.’ He said confidently. 

It was strange; his own plan was exactly the same: finding the Colt and killing Lucifer. Yet, hearing the plan from another’s mouth made Dean realise how insane it really sounded. Killing the devil would not be easy. Yet, then again, there weren't many other options. Still, it was pretty discouraging to hear that it would take him five fucking years to find the damn thing. 

‘You’re gonna kill the devil?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘Do you have a plan?’ 

His future-self smiled at that. ‘As a matter of fact, I do.’ He said while walking to the door. ‘Stay here, I’m gonna call for a meeting.’

 

 

 

Dean was standing on the porch. For a minute, he'd been hesitating whether he should go in or not.

In the beginning, Cas always used to go to the meetings. He never missed one and didn’t even need to be invited; it was just a given that he was there. _By his side like always._ But, that wasn't so much the case anymore. Ever since Cas's injury and their fight, Cas started to blow off the meetings and those times when he did show up, there was hardly any contribution coming from him. Cas probably realised Dean wasn't happy about that, so it didn't take long before he stopped bothering to come at all. Dean had stopped asking him to come as well. Yet... today's meeting was different; this one wasn’t just about some supply run or raid, this one was actually important. For some reason, he just wanted Cas to be there. 

Dean took a deep breath before he pushed the beaded curtain aside and walked in.

Cas was reading something, but looked up when he heard Dean walk in. 

‘Dean.’ 

Dean walked further into the room. He looked around and to his surprise, there were no drugs or alcohol in sight. Cas looked sober. Dean was a little surprised about that since it almost seemed like the ex-angel was high or drunk almost every time he walked into this cabin. 

‘Look, I know you're pissed, I really tried to stop him, but...’

Cas was looking at him apologetically. Dean frowned. Stop who?

‘You... tried to stop him?’ He asked. ‘Wait. Were you with me, Cas? Don't tell me it was you who let him out of the cuffs.’ He said in an angry tone.

Cas's eyes widened. 'Cuffs? I- Dean, I don't know what you're talking about.' He paused. 'Wait. You cuffed him?'

'Yes. I wanted to keep him out of sight. I didn't want him running around, confusing everyone.' He snarled.

'Oh, well. I don't know how he got out. I swear, Dean, he just suddenly showed up in my cabin and-’

‘And what? 

'We just... talked'.

'You talked.’ Dean repeated. ‘What the hell did you say to him?’

‘Um. I-I told him about everything. What happened and... how we got here.’

Dean huffed.

‘What? He wanted to know. You can’t blame him for being curious.’ Cas said.

‘Did you tell him about us?’ Dean asked.

Cas looked away from him. ‘No, it-it didn’t came up. It didn't seem important for him to know, I guess.’

That was a relief. The last thing he needed right now was his double from the past freaking out and panicking about his thing with Cas.

‘Good, because it’s not.’ He said. 'And let's keep it that way, shall we.' 

'Sure, Dean.' Cas answered immediately.

At least Cas could still do as he was told, Dean thought.

'So, is there anything you want?'

'What?'

'You're here.' Cas said.

'Oh, right. Yeah, there's a meeting in fifteen minutes and it's important. Will you be there?’ He asked.

Cas looked confused. ‘I- uh, yeah. I will.’ He said nonetheless.

His eager reaction surprised Dean a little. ‘You will?’ 

‘Yes, Dean. I know I haven't really been there a lot but, I do want to help. And you said it was important, right?'

'Right.'

Cas smiled. 'And besides, I should admit that I'm also pretty curious to hear what kind of crazy plan you've cooked up this time.'

Dean couldn't supress his smile 'See you there.’ He said before walking out.

 

 

 

Cas actually showed up. He was there, on time, and almost as if he owned the place, he sat down on the chair opposite him and threw his feet on the table. 

When everyone had turned up, Dean told them the plan and as he briefed them, he couldn't help but watch Cas. The ex-angels seemed to be listening attentively. 

Dean laid the gun on the table.

‘So, that's it? That's the Colt?’ Risa asked. 

‘If anything can kill Lucifer, this is it.’ He responded.

‘Great. Have we got anything that can find Lucifer?’ Risa then asked again.

Dean couldn’t help but feel annoyed already; Risa was capable and smart, but hell, she really could get on his nerves. He wondered if she did that intentionally. 

Though she was sometimes annoying and a smart-ass, Dean was kind of grateful for her help. She was there when Dean needed her. Ever since things had gone south with Cas, Dean had used her as a replacement for Cas as his second hand. She was smarter than the others. Though, it probably wasn’t a good idea to also get involved with her romantically as well. It certainly hadn't ended well between them. But that was probably all on himself. 

Dean sighed. ‘We don't have to find Lucifer. We know where he is.' He said. 'The demon that we caught last week, he was one of the big guy's entourage. He knew.’ 

‘So, a demon tells you where Satan's gonna be, and you just believe it?’ She asked.

Dean smiled. ‘Oh, trust me, he wasn't lying.’ He said confidently.

‘And you know this how?’ Risa asked again.

Dean rolled his eyes and was about to snap when Cas suddenly spoke. ‘Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.’ He said, smiling. 

Yet, his past-self didn't seem to find that funny at all. ‘ _Torture?_ ’ He asked, indignantly. ‘Oh, so, we're-we're torturing again. No, that's-that's good. Classy.’ He said sarcastically. 

His past-self was looking at him almost judgementally. Dean couldn’t help but feel a little pissed by it. Like, really, who the fuck was he to judge? He had no idea what life was like living in this future. Here, some things just needed to be done and the ends sometimes did justify the means. And it wasn’t like he was torturing for kicks. It was just... necessary. 

Cas laughed at Dean's past-self’s comment and at that, anger again rose inside of Dean. He glared at Cas.

Cas must have noticed the way he was looking at him. ‘What? I like past you.’ He said.

For a moment, he just stared at Cas, who stared straight back at him. Dean didn’t know what it was, but something in the way Cas had said he ''liked'' the past version of him felt like a dig at him. 

Still, he moved on from it after a moment. ‘Lucifer is here. Now. I know the block and I know the building.’

‘Oh, good, it's right in the middle of a hot zone.’ Cas said sarcastically.

‘Crawling with Croats, yeah. You saying my plan is reckless?’ Dean challenged.

‘Are you saying we, uh, walk in straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the Croats, and we shoot the devil?’ Cas asked in turn.

‘Yes.’

‘Okay... if you don't like, uh, ''reckless'', I could use ''insouciant'', maybe.’ Cas said and Dean failed to repress his smile. It didn't happen often- yet, sometimes, Cas was still able to make him laugh. 

‘Are you coming?’

Cas sighed. ‘Of course. But why is he? I mean, he's you from five years ago. If something happens to him, you're gone, right?’

‘He's coming.’ Dean insisted.

‘I don't get why though.' Cas continued. 'Why would you want to risk that?’

Dean squinted, wondering where the sudden concern for his past-self came from. ‘Relax Cas. He’ll be fine.’ He reassured. ‘Zach's looking after you, right?’ He then asked his twin. 

‘Uh, yeah, I guess?’ He answered.

Dean turned back to Cas and smiled, his point proven.

Cas raised his hands in defeat. ‘Fine, whatever. After all, you do always know best. When are we leaving?’

‘A few days, I need to go over the plan and a few details, but I’ll keep you all updated.’

‘Great, you let us know then.’ Cas said as he stood up. 

'Did I say we were done?' Dean asked and Cas immediately froze.

‘No, I- Was there anything else?’

Dean shook his head. ‘Just leave.’ Dean said and with that, Cas walked out of the room and the other’s followed a moment later. He ended up alone in the room with his past-self.

Dean told him he could spend the night at headquarters and also let him know where he could find a mat to sleep on. 

Then Dean walked out as well. Yet, he didn't head to his own cabin, instead, he went to Cas’s. 

 

 

 

Cas was sitting on his bed. ‘What do you want?’ He asked upon seeing him walk in.

‘I want to know what that was all about.’ He said as he walked further into the cabin.

Cas only looked at him questioningly.

‘I'm talking about the meeting, Cas.’ 

‘Yeah, what about it?’ 

Dean huffed. ‘What about it? I invite you and you can't even fucking behave yourself?'

Cas smiled. 'Don't know what you're talking about.'

'Oh, you don't know?' Dean laughed. 'The sarcasm, the snarky comments. What the hell was that about?’ He asked. 

Yet, it wasn’t just Cas’s attitude that had bothered him during the meeting. What really bothered him as well was the way he'd caught Cas looking at his past-self. Yes, he was listening to the things he said but he saw it too, Cas glancing looks at that other version of him. And then, then Cas had said that he ''liked him.'' What the fuck did that mean?

Cas looked at him and squinted. ‘Dean, is this really about my behaviour or is this about something else?’ He asked.

Dean sighed. ‘So, do you like him or something?’ He asked. 

Cas was still smiling; somehow the fact that he was jealous was entertaining to him. ‘Yes, I do, as a matter of fact.’ He said and then paused for a second. ‘I mean... he’s you, but nicer.’ He then said, gazing at Dean challengingly. 

'Oh, wow. Thanks.' 

Cas stood up. 'What? Come on, Dean. We both know these past few years haven't exactly changed you for the better.' Cas said with a smile, however Dean could almost taste the venom in his words.

Dean laughed. 'Like you're one to talk. If these past few years have changed anyone for the worse, that would be you Cas. You literally went from angel of the lord to a drug addict.' 

Cas's smile faded immediately with his words. He now looked a mixture of hurt and angry. 'You're no better than me, Dean.'

Dean smiled and shook his head. ‘I think I am. See, Cas, I'm actually still making a difference here. Whereas you, on the other hand, are-’ 

'Useless? You know, you really don't have to remind me of that every single fucking day.'

'I'm just telling it as it is, Cassie.'

'Fuck off, Dean.'

Dean smiled and licked his lips. Cas always looked hot when he was mad.

He inched closer to Cas. 'You know...' He started. 'I'm feeling kinda tense. With the day I had yesterday and everything else that's going on... Think you can help me relax a little?'

Cas looked unsure.

'Dean, I-'

Without warning, he lunged into Cas’s direction and gripped him by the collar of his shirt.

Cas's body collided with his as Dean pushed him against the wall. For a moment, Cas struggled against him and Dean could feel the smaller man trying to shove him away. Yet, Dean knew he was stronger and would have no trouble keeping Cas where he was. 

In the end, it didn't matter much since it did't take long before instead of pushing, Cas was pulling and their mouths crashed together.

It was rough and uncoordinated, but Dean still enjoyed the feel of Cas’s body under his. The both moaned and panted for breath against each other, both refusing to pull away even for a second.

Suddenly, Dean could hear a creaking sound coming from the porch and for a short second he wondered if someone was there, but quickly he found that he didn't care if there was; Cas was more interesting and Dean focused back on him. They kissed heatedly and Dean could feel that they were both hard already. 

Dean lowered his head to mouth at Cas’s neck where he bit and sucked and didn't care if he was gentle or not. Yet, when he had enough, he tugged at Cas’s hair, trying to press him down and without protest, Cas fell to his knees. He wanted more.

For a moment, the ex-angel looked up at him with his wide blue eyes, and for a moment, he looked innocent. Yet, seconds later the look on Cas's face shifted into a not so innocent one. They held each other’s gaze until Cas finally broke eye-contact in order to open Dean’s jeans. Cas lost no time in lowering the jeans and boxers and before Dean knew it, Cas had engulfed the head with his mouth.

‘Ah, fuck Cas.’ 

As Cas started to suck and move his head up and down, Dean threaded his fingers in his soft dark hair. ‘Yess... So fucking good.’ He murmured. 

Cas was skilled. _Since sucking people off was in all likelihood something he did on a daily basis_. So, it felt great, it really did, but Dean still wanted more. He wanted to take. So, he tightened the grip on Cas’s hair and started fucking his mouth without restrain, giving Cas no choice but to take it all.

He rammed into him and could see Cas’s eyes start to water because of it. For some reason, Dean always liked it when that happened. He liked how it looked. It must have been not so comfortable for Cas, who was almost choking on his cock, however he didn't make any effort to move away. 

For a couple of minutes, it continued, but when Dean felt himself coming close, he pulled Cas off of him by his hair. Dean looked at Cas who was catching his breath. He just looked absolutely sinful; kneeling on the floor with pre-come and saliva on his lips and chin.

Briefly, Dean considered moving towards the bed, but the sight just made him want to fuck Cas right there where he kneeled on the ground. A bed really wasn't that necessary... Quickly, he grabbed the lube from where he knew Cas kept it and then joined Cas on the floor. He roughly kissed him again, but soon enough his hands lowered to undo the other’s pants.

He shoved off Cas’s pants and underwear, then shoved him down on the wooden floor. Cas let him. Grabbing the lube, Dean noticed that the bottle was almost empty. However, he figured what was left just would have to do. Cas whimpered as two fingers came to probe his ring of muscles and Dean massaged him open. 

'Taking my fingers so well, Cas. Such a good little slut for me.'

Cas moaned. ‘Fuck me, Dean’

He had hardly given him any prep and Cas was already begging. He really was a slut. Always fucking desperate for his cock. Still, while Dean wanted to get inside badly, he didn't want Cas to tear. He wasn't that much of an asshole. ‘Cas-’ He therefore started. 

However, Cas ignored it. ‘Please, Dean, it’s fine, I’m ready. Fuck me.’ He reassured. 

Dean still wasn't sure. ‘It’ll hurt.’ He warned.

‘I don't care, just fucking do it Dean, I can take it.’ Cas said and Dean didn't need to be told twice. He still thought it would be painful for Cas, but he was honestly just too aroused to fight it. So, he moved his fingers out, positioned himself against Cas’s hole and slowly let his cock sink in.

Cas groaned and Dean’s breaths became quicker as he slowly bottomed out. Cas squirmed a little under him, but then he pushed Dean’s cock in further and Dean responded with a loud moan and he gripped Cas’s waist to keep him in place. 

‘Want me so badly, huh? You still like him better, Cas?’ Dean asked, jealousy and possessiveness suddenly surging through him. ‘Cause believe me; he wouldn’t give you this.’ He snarled as he slowly began to thrust inside Cas. 

Cas didn't respond. 

He kept slowly thrusting into Cas and it did not take long before Cas begged him to fuck him harder. He sounded desperate, but Dean just kept his pace.

‘Why should I, Cas? Why harder, if I got you right where I want you?’ He asked while he grabbed Cas’s hair and pulled his head back with it. ‘You’re mine you understand, mine-’ He whispered in Cas's ear before he let go and slammed hard into him, fucking Cas just like he knows Cas wants him to. 

‘Say it Cas.’ He ordered. ‘Say you’re mine.’ 

Cas complied easily, just as he always did. ‘Yours, Dean.’ He promised. ‘I'm yours...’ He said and Dean felt mad with lust. 

Having lost any semblance of control, he just pounded into Cas and not long after, Cas came with a scream. Then Dean came as well. Heavy breathing filled the room and Dean rolled off of Cas and onto the floor. The floorboards were hard against his back and only now Dean realised how uncomfortable it must have been for Cas. 

They both said nothing and Dean stared up at the ceiling, but from the corner of his eyes he noticed Cas moving to lie on his side. Cas was looking at him and when he looked sideways he met Cas’s gaze. 

For another moment, they only looked at each other, but then all of a sudden they were kissing. Which was weird; they usually never did that anymore after they fucked. Still, Dean enjoyed it. He didn’t even know who had initiated it, but it felt good. 

It almost felt like before. 

However, Dean knew that things weren’t how they used to be and that there was no use in pretending otherwise. So, he pulled away and Cas looked at him disappointedly. 

‘Dean, you can stay.’ Cas says as they both sit up, but there was no confidence in his voice.

They both knew better. 

Dean stood up and quickly pulled his clothes back on. Then, he looked at Cas, who was still on the floor. ‘I’m sorry Cas, can’t.’ Was all he said before he turned his back on him and walked out. 

Standing on the porch, he closed his eyes and took in some fresh air. He felt like a dick for having left like that; for always leaving like that. 

Especially since deep down, he wanted to stay.


	3. We were happy.

After Dean woke up he was surprised to find out that his future-self had left the camp. He found a note on the table saying he and some others had left to go scout the area he expected Lucifer to be. 

According to the note, he would be gone all day. To be honest, Dean found the departure rather sudden, and he couldn’t help but wonder if it had anything to do with the sight he had stumbled upon last night. 

The shock had lessened a little bit, but Dean still had trouble wrapping his mind around what he had seen. Had he really caught himself and Cas making out? _What. the. fuck._

He had left headquarters to find his future-self to ask if he maybe had a pillow or blanket lying around somewhere, but he found his future-self's cabin to be empty. So, he went to Cas’s, wanting to ask him the same thing, but he never actually got around to that, because Cas seemed to be a little too occupied being pushed against a wall and having his neck sucked by his future-self. He had not seen that coming. At all. 

He had been right; this was a really fucked up future. He also just really didn’t get it; from his talk with Cas, he didn’t get the impression that they were close. Dean couldn't help but wonder what their relationship was like. However, even though he was curious to know how things stood between them, he was at the same time, not really sure if he really wanted to know.

Dean wondered what he was supposed to do all day. He could've gone with the rest on the mission, if only his future-self had asked him... Ultimately, he decided to go to Cas. After all, Cas was the only person around here that he actually knew. There was Chuck of course, but still, he’d rather go to Cas. 

When he walked into the cabin, he found the man lying on his bed. He was lying there, just staring at the ceiling. Though, Cas must have heard him coming in because seconds later, he moved to sit up. 

Cas smiled. ‘Hello Dean.’ He said.

‘Hey.’ Dean greeted back. However, he suddenly felt pretty awkward. He was standing in the middle of the cabin, uncertain how to place himself. Suddenly, he wasn’t so sure if coming here had been a good idea after all. 

Somehow, Cas must have noticed his uneasiness as he patted on a spot on the mattress next to him. ‘You can sit, if you want to.’ He said. 

Dean smiled awkwardly as he sat down on the bed. 

‘So... is there anything you need?’ Cas asked and it was weird; this Cas was so different and yet he also still resembled the Castiel that he knew, in some ways. 

‘Uh, no. No, I just-’ Dean started, but he honestly didn’t know what else to say. Maybe it was for the best that Cas interrupted him. 

He smiled and sat up slightly. ‘So this is a social visit then?’ He asked. 

Dean rolled his eyes, but smiled. ‘Uh, I guess?’ He said

‘Okay.’ Cas said and then looked at him expectantly. It seemed like Cas was expecting him to say something, but Dean’s mind was blank. What he saw last night was still so fresh on his mind as well.

Cas frowned. ‘Dean, what’s going on? You’re acting really weird.’ He said. 

Dean opened his mouth, but closed it again, not knowing exactly what to say. He really wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to bring it up. It would most certainly be uncomfortable to talk about and it also really wasn’t his business. But on the other hand, he needed to understand. 

Dean forced himself to look Cas in the eyes as he spoke. ‘Look, Cas, last night, I came here to ask you something and I uh… I didn’t mean to, but I saw…’ He said, stumbling over his words. He knew that he didn’t finish his sentence right, but he also knew that there really was no need; Cas had to know what he was talking about. 

Cas’ face went blank and for a moment he said nothing. Then he looked down, almost as if embarrassed, and Dean already regretted bringing it up. _What the hell had possessed him to ask about it?_ He was such an idiot. He guessed that he somehow thought that Cas wouldn’t have a problem talking about sex, let alone making out, but maybe he was wrong. 

He had been right about thinking the conversation would be uncomfortable. He felt so uncomfortable. 

‘What-what did you see exactly?’ Cas asked as he finally looked up again. 

‘I left right away,’ He started, feeling the need to make sure Cas knew that. ‘but I saw you two uh… kiss.’

‘Ah…’ Was all that Cas said in response and Dean frowned. _What the hell had Cas thought that he had seen?_ Suddenly, the realisation struck him that if he had left a couple of minutes later, he could have walked in on something much different.

‘You know what, I’m sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up, it's really none of my business.’ 

‘Isn’t it though? I mean, it is you, sort of.’ Cas said as he shrugged. 

‘Yeah, I guess…’

Cas suddenly smiled. ‘Did you freak out?’ He asked.

‘Uh, well...’

‘You did.’ Concluded Cas.

He couldn’t deny that. ‘I uh, yeah I kinda did. I didn't really expect seeing something like that. I mean... You and me? That's- that's crazy.’ He therefore said, but he smiled a little too.

‘Yeah I guess it's understandable that it freaked you out. Maybe I should’ve just told you yesterday.’ Cas said.

‘Why didn’t you?’ He asked.

Cas sighed. ‘Dean, I already told you so much crap the last time we talked; I told you about what happened to Sam and... to Bobby, and I just didn’t want to upset you any further, you know?’ He said and paused for a brief moment. ‘Besides, I knew Dean probably wouldn’t want you to know.’

‘Oh.’ Was all Dean said. He wanted to ask why that was, but he stopped himself; he didn’t want to push.

‘Yeah, Dean has always liked to keep uh… what we have discreet.’ Cas said and shrugged again.

'So, what, it's a secret?'

'Hm, I wouldn't exactly say that. Many people know about us, it's just that- Dean doesn't like talking about it.'

'I see.' Dean said, but truthfully, he was still so fucking confused.

For a moment there was an awkward silence.

Dean wanted to ask him so many questions. How long had they been together? Were they in love? Why was Cas talking about orgies when he was in a relationship with him? Somehow he really needed to know what the fuck was going on here.

'You can ask me, Dean. If you want. I don't mind.' Cas said.

'What?'

'You must be curious.' He smiled. 'I would be.'

For a moment Dean thought of what to say. 'You guys don't look like you're in love...' Dean eventually started carefully. 'I don't get it, is it just... a physical thing?' He asked. Yet, he could still hardly believe they were actually having this conversation. It was surreal as fuck.

'I think... there was a point when we were. In love, I mean.' He paused and smiled as he spoke. 'It seems like a long time ago but, for a while, we actually were happy together.'

'Yeah?'

Cas nodded. 'I fell when the angels left and I lost my powers.' Cas continued. 'That was really hard and initially, I thought being human would be the worst thing, but it wasn’t. I had to get used to it, but Dean was there for me and he was always patient...' He said. ‘So, together with Bobby, we ended up running this camp and I don't know... I was always by your side and we just grew close. I guess neither of us had expected it, but gradually it grew into something more. I think we both just really needed someone, you know?' 

Dean nodded.

'So, yeah... Despite all the bad things, we still had this one good thing.' He said. 

'Then what happened?' Dean asked.

Cas's smile fell from his face. 'Then... Everything just fell apart.’ 

‘When you lost Bobby?’ He said. 

Cas nodded dejectedly. 

‘Couldn’t you get through it together though?’ He then asked and he still hardly could believe that he was actually talking to Cas about relationship issues. _Their_ relationship issues. Nonetheless, he did believe that talking about it could be a good thing for the both of them. ‘Couldn't he help you with your drug problem?’

Cas sighed and shook his head. ‘It's not that simple... Dean, he had his own issues. He had been through so much already, but losing Bobby… I just think that was the last straw. It broke him and he just became this... colder version of himself and he became so closed off. He was going through a hard time too and I wasn’t exactly there for him either; I guess we both let one another down, it wasn’t just him.’ He explained.

Dean processed it all for a second. ‘Well, I think that does excuse his dickish behaviour a little bit.’ He said and Cas smiled. 

‘So, then things ended, huh?' He then asked. It was the only thing left he was still confused about; Cas made it sound like that whatever it was between them had ended, yet last night proved the opposite. 

‘It did. We never really had a conversation, but I just knew that what we had was over.’ Cas explained. ‘He grew distant and stopped spending time with me. I know it’s partly because he hated that I was doing drugs- and hated what I was turning into. But his rejection only made things worse. He then also replaced me as his right hand man by Risa and replaced me in other ways too by other women.’ 

Dean didn’t know what to say.

Cas suddenly laughed bitterly. ‘I can't imagine what you might think of me right now. I know I’m pathetic. Hell, he’s told me that often enough.'

'Cas-'

'I'm powerless. I'm hapless, I'm hopeless. I mean, why the hell not bury myself in decadence, right?’ He then laughed.

Dean however, wasn’t laughing. ‘Cas, you’re not hopeless, or pathetic. You are more than just your powers.’ He said sincerely.

Admittedly, with his powers, Cas was a force to be reckoned with, however, he definitely wasn’t useless without them. Dean remembered all too well how not even that long ago, Castiel had managed to trap a fucking Archangel without any use of his powers. He wouldn’t call that pathetic. However, it pained him to think that his future-self believed that. 

‘Yeah, maybe...’ Cas said, not sounding all that convinced.

‘If he really thought you were useless, he wouldn't have invited you to the meeting, right?’

Cas sighed. ‘I don’t know. I think he did it more for old times’ sake.’

‘And what happened afterwards was too?’ He asked tentatively. 

Cas smiled and shook his head. ‘No-no that uh… that actually still happens quite regularly. Dean never really let go of me completely, and in all honesty; I also don't want him to.’

‘Right…’ He said and a somewhat awkward silence followed. ‘Your relationship is a mess.’ He then added in an attempt to lighten the mood a little. 

Cas chuckled. ‘Tell me about it. But isn’t everything a mess in this future?’

‘That’s true.’ He admitted but then he sighed. ‘I hope I can change all this when I get back.’

‘Me too.’ Said Cas before he paused a moment.

'Do you know how you're gonna get back?

That was a hard no. 'I'm still working on that.' Dean said.

'I assume you want to leave this place as soon as possible.'

Dean smiled. 'Yeah... I do have an apocalypse to get back to after all.' He said.

'Right.' Cas said and then smiled. ‘Dean tell me, how are things right now? In your time, I mean.’ 

It wasn’t a question Dean had expected. Surely Cas knew how things were in 2009; he had lived it... 

‘You want me to tell you how things are?’

‘Yeah, humour me. Besides, don’t you think I’ve talked enough already?’

Dean smiled, but then it struck him why Cas wanted him to talk about his time. It was because Cas rather wanted to talk about the past; about better times… He wanted a distraction. Dean guessed he could understand that. So, if it would make him somewhat happier, it was the least he could do.

‘Uh well… I don’t know how well you remember, but we actually just had quite the adventure together.’ Dean said and smiled.

Cas was looking at him questioningly.

‘Us going after Raphael.’ He then further explained.

‘Ah, right! How could I forget?’ Cas said and smiled. Dean felt happy that him only mentioning the story already brought a smile on Cas’s face.

Dean shook his head. ‘It was such a stupid plan.’

‘Hey!’ Cas cried looking slightly indignant. 

‘What? Your plan was to catch a fucking Archangel! I was scared shitless!’

‘Well, it worked.’ Cas said stubbornly. 

‘But weren’t you?’

‘Was I what?’

‘Scared.’

‘I was.’ Admitted Cas. ‘But I wasn’t half as scared as that time when you took me to that strip club.’ He said half laughing.

Dean laughed too. ‘Oh you mean ‘’the den of iniquity?’’’ He said as he quoted Cas’s own words.

‘Dean, are you making fun of me?’ Cas said while obviously trying to repress his smile. 

Dean shook his head. ‘I wouldn’t dare.’

Dean was glad that the subject was changed. Even though he had been curious about finding out more about the future, it was such a loaded conversation to have. Talking about the past was much easier and he was also glad that talking about it seemed to lift Cas’s spirits considerably as well. 

They talked for hours and time just seemed to fly. They talked so easily and Dean had a hard time remembering the last time he had a conversation like this. One where he felt comfortable to be completely open, while also being interested in what the other had to say. 

Going to Cas’s cabin hadn’t been such a bad idea after all. 

Around six, they went to get some food, but afterwards they went straight back to Cas’s cabin and returned to their spots on the bed. Only after it became dark outside, they got to the topic of his future-selfs’ suicide mission.

‘How is it that you can agree on that plan?’ Dean asked. ‘It's completely reckless. Maybe there are still other options to explore.’ 

‘I don’t really agree on the plan.' Cas admitted. 'But... Dean seems determined.’ He said

Dean frowned. 'So, what? You're gonna follow him even though you're aware of the fact that this mission might be the death of you?'

Cas sighed. ‘Look, Dean. I know what we’ve become, but still… despite everything, the only thing I think we have left, Dean and me, is each other. So, if Dean says it’s time to go out in a blaze of glory, win or lose, so be it.’ He said. 

It was crazy and wrong, but Dean was still kind of touched. Here they were, at the end of times, and Cas was still by his side, no matter what. 

For a while, they discussed the plan together some more, but then at one moment, when Dean looked at Cas, he realised that he'd fallen asleep. For a moment, Dean only looked at the ex-angel, who was resting peacefully on the cushions against the headboard. 

He then wondered what he was supposed to do. He knew that the normal thing to do would be to leave, but minutes later Dean found that he was still there and had actually pulled some covers over Cas’s sleeping form. _What kind of chick flick bullshit was that?_

Dean didn’t know what he was feeling, but he did feel the need to stay. He wondered if Cas would mind if he were to sleep here. Dean didn’t think that he would.

So, eventually, Dean just lay down next to Cas. Yet, he did make sure that there was enough distance between them, because it wasn’t like that. 

Lying on Cas’s bed was so much more comfortable than sleeping on his thin mat at headquarters. Yet, Dean couldn’t lie to himself by pretending that the reason he stayed was only Cas’s mattress.


	4. I'll drink to that.

It was around eleven when they were back at the camp again. Dean didn’t particularly like going on supply runs, but Dean did find it nice to get away from the camp every once in a while. 

This was one of those times. The idea to go had popped into his head right after he had left Cas’s cabin the night before. And sure, it was sudden, but it couldn’t hurt to do some groundwork. Right?

After he got something to eat, Dean decided to go to headquarters since there was still a talk he needed to have with his past-self. Even though he doubted a conversation with him would have any real effect at all, he at least needed to try.

He needed to make it clear to him that he had to say yes to Michael. Dean only hoped that his past-self would listen. Saying yes would spare everyone a lot of grief. 

However, when he actually reached headquarters, he found the cabin to be completely empty. Dean wasn’t there and that was just great... Now there was a whole camp where he could be. Dean also wouldn’t put it past the guy to be in some girls’ cabin somewhere. 

But, Dean had his mind set on finding him and having the conversation so he looked around, and he was lucky. After a few minutes of looking around, he encountered Chuck, which was great since Chuck always seemed to know about everything that was going on at the camp. Chances were that he also knew where his double was right now. 

He approached the prophet from behind and grabbed him by the shoulder. 

Chuck turned around and smiled. ‘Dean.’

‘Hey, Chuck… Do you know where my uh… my replica is? I'm looking for him’ 

For whatever reason, the smile dropped from Chuck's face. ‘Uh, well, I-’ He started.

‘Well what?’ 

‘I don’t know for sure, but I heard people saw him in Cas’s cabin yesterday.’ Chuck told him tentatively.

Dean frowned. ‘Wait, yesterday?' He paused. 'And he's still in there?’

‘I-I don’t know, but from what I’ve heard, he’s been there since yesterday and hasn’t left.’

Immediately, Dean's blood began to boil.'

‘Thanks.’ Was all he said before taking off abruptly. 

He went straight to the cabin. 

And what he found there really pissed him off. There they were, on Cas's bed. _Together._ They both were still asleep.

It wasn’t even like they were all tangled up in each other or anything, but it still bothered the hell out of Dean. There wasn’t much space between them and Cas was clutching Dean’s upper arm unconsciously. And Dean just stood there, watching, with jealousy and anger washing over him. For fuck's sake... He had only been gone for one fucking day, but that was apparently more than enough for Cas to make a move on that version of him who was everything he wasn't. 

He briefly considered waking them up, but eventually decided not to. He wasn't going to confront them right now as if they were in some goddamn soap opera. Nonetheless, he and Cas were definitely going to have a conversation. If he thought he could just pull shit like this, he had another thing coming.

 

 

 

When Dean woke up, he didn't need a moment to take in his surroundings to remember where he was. He remembered exactly where he had fallen asleep... It was still so surreal though; he had never expected to be waking up next to Cas of all people. 

Cas was still asleep next to him and the fact alone that Cas was sleeping was kind of weird enough by itself. Cas never used to need sleep...

He also never looked more human to Dean than in that moment, he looked so vulnerable too. It made it all the more difficult for Dean to wrap his mind around the fact that this Cas actually used to be Castiel, Angel of the Lord.

After another few moments of staring, Dean realised he should probably wake him up. He didn't know the exact time, but he suspected it must be close to noon, if not already. 

He really hoped Cas wouldn't be pissed off that he chosen to stay. 

For a short moment, Dean had considered sneaking out, but he wasn't going to do that. He wasn't a coward and it wouldn't be right.

'Cas.' He then said softly as he shook him lightly by the shoulder.

In response, Cas only groaned and shifted a little closer to him. The grip on his right upper arm tightened a little too. Dean couldn't help but smile at the affectionate, yet unconscious gesture.

Dean smiled. 'Cas wake up.' He said, shaking Cas a little harder this time.

His action seemed to have the desired effect since Cas finally opened his eyes a little. 

'Dean?' Cas said confusedly as he let go of his arm.

'Uh, yeah... Morning sunshine.' He said smiling. 

'Morning.' Cas greeted back. He looked a little confused. Dean gave him a moment. 'You slept here?' He finally asked in a raspy voice.

They both sat up against the headboard. ‘I-I did. Sorry I-’ He said, feeling the need to apologise despite the fact that Cas didn’t seem angry or upset at all. Still, for some reason, he felt like he should. 

Cas smiled. ‘Dean, it's okay.’ He said and Dean felt relieved. ‘Really, it isn't a big deal. Did you really think I would be mad?’ Cas then asked.

Suddenly, Dean felt a little stupid. ‘I uh… I don’t know.’ Was all he said as he smiled awkwardly.

‘I thought it was pretty clear that I liked you.’ Cas then said straightforwardly. 

Dean didn’t know exactly how to respond, but he smiled nonetheless. ‘Thanks. I- I like you too.’ He said eventually.

‘Good.’

‘You’re quite the sleeper, you know that?’ He then added after stretching a little.

Cas laughed. ‘I’m actually really not.’ He said.

Dean looked at him and frowned. 'What?' 

'I take sleeping pills. They were the ones that knocked me out.'

'Oh,'

'Yeah, it’s uh… an effect of the drugs… insomnia.’ Cas explained. 

And with that the mood suddenly turned more serious. Dean frowned again. ‘What drugs?’ 

‘Amphetamines.’ 

‘Ah…’

‘Yeah, they really can keep you awake. I’ve been trying to take less, but uh… the sleeping problems don’t seem to be going anywhere.’ Cas explained. 

‘That sucks.’

‘It does, but then again, it’s no one’s fault but my own.’ Cas said before he smiled sadly. ‘Still, I’ve slept better last night than I have in a long time.’ Cas added as he gave him a meaningful look. 

‘Uh, good. Than I’m glad I stayed.’

Cas smiled. ‘I’m only not so sure the other you will feel that way too.’

‘Oh… Well, does he really need to know? We only slept.’

Cas sighed and laughed bitterly. ‘I’m afraid that’s not up to us. If he’s back, Dean must already know by now.’

Dean looked at him questioningly. 

‘Small camp.’ Cas explained and Dean knew enough.

‘Is he gonna give you shit for this?’ 

‘Most definitely.’ 

Dean shook his head. ‘Cas,-’ He started, wanting to apologise. He had never meant to fuck things up for them even further. He didn’t want to give them any more problems than they already had.

‘Dean, don't worry. I can handle it.' 

'You sure?'

'Yes. I'll talk to him tonight. Clear things up. But until then, want me to give you a tour around the camp? It's larger than you think.'

Dean smiled. 'Yeah, why not. After all, it doesn't look like I'll be going anywhere for the time being.'

 

 

 

‘Dean?’

Dean opened his eyes upon hearing Cas’s voice. He had been resting on his bed and had been feeling pretty worn out. Still, he sat up on the bed to face Cas.

‘Hey.’ He greeted rather coldly. 

‘So... how did things go?’ Cas then asked.

‘Fine.’

'Were you able to find something?'

'Yeah, we got some stuff.'

It seemed as though his stand-offish behaviour made Cas feel a little out of ease as he shifted awkwardly where he stood. ‘Okay, good.’ Cas said nodding. 

A short silence followed.

Dean shook his head and sighed. ‘Cas, why are you here?’ He then asked, he just wanted to get to the point. 

Cas visibly gulped. ‘I-I uh… I was wondering if…’ He seemed to struggle to find his words.

‘You were wondering… if I knew?’ Dean interrupted. ‘ _I know._ ’ He snarled.

Cas immediately looked downwards. ‘Who told you?’ He then asked as he looked up again.

Dean smiled bitterly. ‘No one.’ He said. ‘I went to your cabin.’ He then added upon seeing Cas’s questioning look. 

Cas looked surprised. 'Why?

'I was looking for me. There's some stuff I want to discuss with him.'

'I see.' 

'Yeah, and there he was. In your bed.'

‘And we were still asleep?’

‘Yes and it sure looked like you two have become close.’ Dean continued to snarl.

‘Dean-’

‘I’ve only been gone for what, one fucking day? Jesus, Cas. Couldn’t survive one day without me in your bed, is that it? Apparently, since you feel the need to go right after the next best thing.’ 

‘It isn’t like that.’ Cas protested.

‘Oh really? 'Cause that sure as hell sounds like something you would do.’

‘How can you say that?’ Cas asked, looking a little indignant. 

‘It’s not that difficult.’

‘Dean, I know you have that low of an opinion of me, but nothing even happened!’

‘And I’m supposed to believe that?’ He asked, disbelievingly, because to him it seemed really clear. 

‘Yes, we only fell asleep and that’s it! Besides, wasn’t it you who told me that he wouldn’t ‘’give me that’’ in the first place?’

Cas did have a point there, he had said that. There was no one he knew better than himself, and he also knew that the Dean from five years ago wouldn’t just have sex with Cas; back then, he was still a major closet case and there was just no way he'd just go for it. It had probably been a big deal enough for the guy to sleep in the same bed with another man.

Maybe he had been wrong to assume that more had happened after all…

‘Okay.’ Was all Dean said eventually. 

‘Okay?’ Cas repeated, frowning.

‘Yeah, what the fuck do you want me to say?’ He said as he stood up from the bed. 

‘You could apologise for accusing me.’

Dean huffed. ‘I don’t do apologies.’

Cas huffed as well. ‘Of course you don’t.’ He said. 

‘Well, can you really blame me for thinking it?' He asked but didn't wait for an answer. ''Cause really, it does sound like something you would do, doesn't it, Cas?' He continued. 'Here comes this version of me that’s still so nice, so kind. The righteous man you fell for, I could see you spreading your legs for that.’

Cas looked hurt. ‘That is so unfair.’ He said in a small voice. 

‘Why? You told me you liked him. Tell me Cas, look me in the eye and tell me that you wouldn't go for it if you had the chance.’

Cas glared at him, but seemed unable to deny it.

‘Exactly.’

‘Well, can you blame me?’ Cas then asked.

Dean huffed and then smiled cynically. ‘Right, right, because he’s everything I’m not.’

‘Yes! He actually gives me the feeling I’m worth something.’ Cas admitted.

‘Ah, isn’t that nice...’ Dean mocked. He could already imagine it; his double from the past sweet talking Cas, being all sensitive and shit. How fucking pathetic. 

‘It was.’

Dean huffed. ‘What? Did he tell you that you deserve better and that he’ll fix things? Hmm, let me guess, he’s told you you’re more than just your powers.’ Dean said mockingly, not even knowing how right he was.

Cas frowned. ‘Am I not?’ 

‘Not lately.’ Dean said, smiling bitterly.

‘I have been trying Dean, you know that.’ Cas said and all of a sudden, his expression turned angry. ‘And I’m not gonna let you make me feel guilty about this, because even if something had happened, how is that your business? We are _nothing,_ right? Those are your words. You said that to me! And we both see other people all the time, since when has that been a problem?’

‘It’s been a problem since the other fucking person is him!’ Dean yelled. 

‘How is that?’ Cas asked.

‘If it’s some fucking nobody I know you don’t give a shit about, then that’s fine. I don’t like it, but I know that’s how things are now. But him? Do you have any idea how much of a slap in the fucking face that is?’

Cas looked away and it looked like he was processing what he had just said. 

‘You’re hurt.’ Cas suddenly stated.

‘You seem surprised.’

Cas shrugged. ‘Sometimes I doubt whether you even care.’

‘Of course I care.’ Dean said and with that another silence followed. It seemed as neither he nor Cas knew exactly what to say. 

Dean sat down on the bed, just feeling so tired of it all. He was tired of running the camp and tired of hunting down Lucifer, but mostly he felt tired about fighting with Cas. It was exhausting. 

Dean knew that he still loved Cas, but it was just such a mess. And whatever they had together was toxic.

Cas's next word only proved that.

'I'm sorry, Dean.' He said, even though he had nothing to apologise for. He continued. 'You know the last thing that I wanna do is hurt you.'

Cas then took a seat next to him and Dean noticed the bottle of scotch in his hands. 

Dean couldn’t help but smile. Cas still had good ideas sometimes. ‘From one addict to another, do you really think you should endorse my drinking?’ He asked. 

Cas smiled too. ‘Probably not.’ He shrugged. ‘On the other hand, we’re already really fucked up, so why not?’

Dean took the bottle from Cas and unscrewed it. ‘I’ll drink to that.’ He said before taking a swig.

It didn’t take long for the bottle to be empty and in no time he and Cas had opened another. And with every swig Dean felt better, and from looking at Cas, the same could be said for him.

All the hurtful words spoken just moments ago seemed completely forgotten. 

Cas was right, they were fucked up, but in that moment, that didn’t seem to matter since they were both able to escape it all for a while. 

And that was really all that it was; an escape, a desperate attempt to forget.

Dean wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or if it wasn’t, but another few gulps later, Cas was on top of him, straddling his thighs. 

They kissed and drank and Dean felt great. 

 

 

 

Dean felt horrible.

He woke up alone, his head ached and he also felt slightly nauseous. He groaned as he went to sit up on the bed and took in his surroundings. Cas was gone and the empty liquor bottles discarded on the floor were the only evidence that he had been there at all. 

He lied back on the bed and closed his eyes again. He knew that there was plenty for him to do, but at the moment he couldn't be bothered. Lying there, Dean could only think back of last night and it struck him how little he actually remembered from it. 

His last memory from the night was the sight of Cas on his lap, taking in everything as Dean pressed the tip of a bottle between his lips. He remembered how some of the liquid had escaped Cas’s mouth and dripped down his chin and neck and Dean remembered how hot he found it. 

However, he couldn’t remember what had happened after that, but he was pretty sure they had sex. Still, Dean wasn’t really perturbed about the fact that he didn’t remember anything about their night, since it wouldn't be their first night together he remembered nothing off due to the both of them being heavily under the influence. 

What did bother him however, was that literally nothing had been resolved last night between Cas and he. Dean knew that that was the reason why Cas had come in the first place; he'd wanted to talk. Yet, instead, they argued, got hammered and fucked... There was nothing healthy about it at all, but then again, Dean figured that that was just how they were. 

Still, Dean knew that that wasn’t an excuse. Just like there really was no excuse for some of the things he had said to Cas yesterday. It was obvious that he had been in the wrong; Cas hadn’t done anything, and even if he had, Dean knew that he had no right to complain about it anymore. 

Moreover, he couldn’t even blame Cas for liking his past-self, because of course he did; the guy really was everything he was not and Dean knew that. Of course Cas would enjoy spending time with a version of himself who wasn’t as cold and mean as he was.

It all made it even harder for Dean to understand why Cas had stayed with him last night. 

There was no way he was going to leave his cabin today. Dean felt like shit and the last thing he wanted was to face Cas or his double. He couldn’t deal with the drama anymore, and if that made him a coward then so be it. 

It wasn’t like he was that opposed to talking itself, it was just that he knew it would be useless. Just like his talk with Cas yesterday had been useless; there was no amount of talking that would be able to fix them. 

So, Dean just lied there and he couldn’t help but just want things to be over. He knew the mission was coming soon and the chances for them to survive were slim. Maybe it would be for the best if they were all dead, since continuing to live like this was ruining them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this update took longer than usual but for some reason I've been really struggling with this chapter. Finally finished it, although I'm still unhappy with how it turned out.... Hope you don't hate it. Oh well.. Comments and especially feedback are welcome, suggestions as to where to take the story also. Thanks for reading though x


	5. Just a bad hangover.

He was not jealous, he really wasn’t. Or at least, that was what Dean kept telling himself all morning.

The thing was, that a day ago, Cas had gone to his future-self’s cabin to talk. And, as he did, Dean decided to just wait on Cas's porch until they were done. Maybe they could hang out afterwards, he'd thought.

Cas, however, didn't end up coming back. 

And Dean hated himself for it, but that bothered him. It bothered him that his future-self, who was a complete dick to Cas all the damn time, still got to spend the night with him. That was just messed up.

He hated himself for thinking like that though. Like, was he really that selfish that he wanted them to have a major fight, just so Cas would spend more time with him and he could be a shoulder for Cas to cry on? _Great friend he was…_ He was so fucking selfish...

Dean also hadn’t slept well. The weird thoughts in his head were just too much of a distraction. 

In the late afternoon, Dean found himself on Cas’s porch again. He just couldn't stay away, it seemed. Though he was a little startled by the sight he walked in on. Cas was lying on his stomach on his bed, but it seemed like he was unconscious. Beside the bed lay a bucket, filled with vomit. 

Dean rushed over immediately, feeling concerned. He cried out Cas’s name until he finally stirred. Dean and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. ‘Thank god.’ He said.

Cas groaned and went to lie on his side. 

‘Cas, you okay?’ He asked in a concerned tone.

It took a moment before Cas finally looked at him and responded. ‘Uh... Yeah, I’m fine.’ He murmured softly. It was barely audible. 

Dean frowned and briefly studied Cas. ‘You don’t look so fine.’ He said. 

Cas briefly closed his eyes. ‘It's just a bad hangover. I'll get over it.’ He said when he opened them again. 

_A bad hangover._ With that, it was immediately clear to Dean what had happened the night before. No empty liquor bottles could be found in Cas’s cabin. Yet, who would have plenty of them on the other hand, would be his future-self. Conclusion: they had probably gotten wasted together and Cas had stayed. 

‘Hmm... yeah, they sure do suck.’ Dean nodded. He could definitely speak out of experience... ‘Probably shouldn’t have gotten so wasted.’ He said.

Cas sat up against the headboard, and Dean saw him wince as he did. ‘Yeah, I know.’ He said. ‘It was stupid.’ Cas said. He kind of looked regretful.

For a moment, they both said nothing. 

‘Um... Can I get you anything? Aspirin, water?’ Dean offered eventually.

Cas looked at him and smiled. ‘Uh, I already took some aspirins, but water would be great.’ 

A minute later, Dean returned with a glass of water. He handed it to Cas and then hesitantly took a seat on the edge of the mattress. 

‘Thank you, Dean.’ Cas said with a smile before taking a sip. 

Dean smiled back as he shook his head slightly. ‘It’s nothing.’ He said. 

Dean looked at Cas, who had closed his eyes again and held his head in his hands for a moment and winced. ‘Do you want me to leave?’ Dean asked. ‘You look like you can use some rest.’ 

‘No, that’s okay. I already feel a lot better than I did earlier this morning.’ He said, glancing over to the bucket. ‘It’s just a little headache. I'm fine.’ He reassured. 

Dean couldn’t help but feel glad Cas wanted him to stay.

‘You’re not that great at holding your liquor, huh?’ 

Cas smiled and nodded. ‘You can say that, especially not if compared to you.’

‘Well, to be fair, I've been at it much longer than you…’ He said and then paused a few seconds. ‘So, you and him got shitfaced together?’ He asked finally, trying his best to sound casual.

‘Uh, yeah. But like I said, it was a stupid idea. Though, at the time it seemed the better alternative.’

‘From... what?’ 

‘Talking.’ 

Dean frowned. ‘I- he was that unreasonable?’ He then asked. 

Cas laughed. ‘Oh yeah. Apparently, he walked in while we were still asleep and he wasn’t exactly happy about that.’ 

'He was upset?'

'Yeah, you could say that. He firmly believed that... that something had happened between us.'

‘Oh, shit. Cas… I’m sorry, that's all my fault. I should’ve asked-’ Dean said, shaking his head, because he really did feel guilty about it. After all, it all came down to the fact that he had stayed without asking, only because he liked to stay with Cas a little longer. _He was such an idiot._

‘Dean, stop.' Cas, however, said. 'It’s fine, I’m pretty used to his shit by now.’

‘Right…’ Dean said. But then when he actually thought about it, he couldn’t help but feel a little outraged, like _who the hell was his future-self to decide what Cas was or wasn’t allowed to do?_ They weren’t even together anymore...

Dean huffed.

‘What?’ Cas asked.

‘This is- this is just such bullshit... I mean, you’re not even together anymore right? Why in the hell should you have to answer to him?’ He said, not able to keep his thoughts to himself.

Castiel laughed. ‘That’s exactly what I said.’

‘And?’

‘Apparently, he doesn’t mind it so much if I’m with somebody he knows I don’t give a shit about. But with you, it’s a different story. If it’s with you, it hurts and it’s a slap in his face.’

Dean didn't really know what to think about that. 

‘At any rate, I don't care what he thinks. Things between us have been over for a long time.’

Dean wondered how aware Cas was of the fact of how much the things he said and did contradicted each other. ‘But, you stayed. And something tells me it’s not just drinking you did all night.’ He said, the words had slipped out before he was able to stop himself. He hoped he didn’t sound accusatory. 

Cas looked away in response. ‘You don’t understand.’ He said quietly. 

The response made Dean immediately regret having said anything. He hadn’t meant to make Cas feel like he was judging or accusing him. ‘Hey, it's fine. You don’t have to explain yourself to me.’ 

‘Still, I kind of feel like I should. I mean… I can’t imagine what you might think of me; the drugs, the alcohol, the orgies… and me and Dean.’ 

‘Cas, I’m not judging you, okay.’ He said while also trying to make eye-contact with Cas, but he was still looking away from him, almost if ashamed. 'We all mess up, and we all do stupid things. That includes me, so there's no judgement here.'

Still, Cas suddenly got off from the bed. ‘Dean, I’m sorry, I-I really should get myself cleaned up.’ He said and then grabbed the bucket from the floor and made for the door opening.

That certainly was abrupt, Dean thought. Yet, he could see why Cas wanted out; he really had been prying... It kind of made him feel like even more of an asshole because it wasn’t his place. It might have been in the beginning, when he had asked Cas what the deal was between him and himself, but this was different, now it was just prying and Dean wondered why he even was so invested in the relationship in the first place. 

For a moment, he thought about leaving, but he eventually decided to stay. He didn’t want to leave the conversation as it was.

About half an hour later, Cas was back and smiled at him as he walked in. He then joined Dean on the couch. 

Cas was sitting so close to him and Dean took in his appearance, he had to note that Cas looked a lot better compared to how he'd looked earlier. His hair was still damp and he smelled nice. 

‘Uh, Dean?’

Dean startled, unaware he kind of had been staring. ‘Uh, yeah… Umm, how’s the headache?’ He asked quickly. 

‘It’s fine… Sorry for walking out so suddenly. I just needed to clear my head for a second and... think.’

Dean smiled. ‘Don't worry. I’ll get over it.’ He responded and Cas smiled back.

A short pause followed. 

Dean was unsure of what to say and it seemed Cas was as well. Yet, eventually, he was the one to first say something. ‘You know, Dean...I’m really glad you’re here.’ Cas said.

Then, suddenly, Cas took his hand in his. Dean was surprised and stared immediately at their hands. First, it kind of freaked him out, but after a few seconds, he suddenly wasn’t so much anymore. It was maybe felt even kind of nice. He smiled back at Cas. 

Yet, when thinking of a response, he found that he couldn’t say the same; he couldn't genuinely say that he was really glad to be there as well. Because, as much as he liked Cas- as much as he liked spending time with him, he still wanted to go back to his own time really badly. 

Still, he was glad to hear that his presence here at least made things better for Cas.

Apparently, he didn’t even have to say how he felt. ‘But, you want to go return to your own year… I get it.’ Cas said, withdrawing his hand.

Dean smiled. ‘Can you read my mind or something?’ He asked and Cas only smiled back at him. He continued. ‘I do want to go back. See, I just… want to get on with it, and make sure that I do things right, so that we don’t end up like this.’ Dean shook his head. ‘I mean… Zachariah made his point, I’ve seen how messed up things will get, so I’m kind of wondering what I’m still even doing here, you know?’ He said, voicing his thoughts.

‘I wish I could answer that for you.’ Cas said and then paused for a moment. ‘Do you ever think about saying yes? To Michael, I mean?’ Cas suddenly asked.

Dean thought about that for a moment. In all honesty, he had thought about it. It wasn’t like the prospect of becoming an angel-condom was appealing to him, but sometimes he caught himself thinking that it could be possible that there just wasn’t another way. That saying yes to Michael was the decision that would result in the least damage. However, he mostly pushed those thoughts aside; he just wasn’t ready to face them just yet. ‘I do. Why do you ask?’ He said. 

‘Because, uh… my Dean tried to.’

‘He-he tried to… say yes to Michael?’ Dean said surprised. 

‘Uhu… I see he hasn’t told you about that.’

Dean shook his head. 

‘He resisted for a while, but things got so bad that he eventually gave in.’ Cas said and sighed. ‘He wanted Michael to possess him, but… by then it was already too late. The angels had already left.’

‘Wow.’

‘Yeah.’

Dean contemplated everything for a moment. ‘What do you think, Cas? Do you think I should do it?’ He then asked.

Cas thought for a moment. ‘No, I-I really don’t think that saying yes to him is the answer. Dean, you have other options and it’s not that unthinkable that you can still find a way to stop the apocalypse. I know that this future is crap, but it’s not necessarily the result of you not saying yes. What I’m saying is... that denying Michael doesn’t have to lead to this, not if you play things right.’

‘Right…’ He said, taking in everything what Cas had just said. ‘Do you happen to have some more helpful tips?’

‘Well, if you get back… I think you should go and find Sam.’ Cas said.

‘Sam?’ Dean repeated. 

‘Yes, because I think that... the point where everything went wrong was when you two went separate ways. I really think you should face all this together. You’re stronger that way.’

'I don't know, Cas. Me and Sam- we got some issues.'

Cas smiled. 'Yes, I'm aware. But I believe there's nothing you two can't work out.' He said.

Dean didn't feel so sure about that.

'I can't just forget about everything he did. Cas, he fucked everything up.'

Cas sighed. 'But you know that his heart was always in the right place. And I'm sure he regrets it immensely.' He then said.

'Yeah, I know he feels sorry. It's just that ever since... I'm having a hard time trusting him.'

'I understand, Dean. But think about it, okay?'

'Okay.' Dean said. He would think about it. A moment later, he smiled. ‘I should tell you though that I kinda have enjoyed spending time just the two of us… You know, when we were hunting down Raphael together.’ 

Cas smiled. ‘Really? Even despite that stick in my ass?’

Dean laughed and shook his head. ‘You weren’t so bad.’

Cas laughed too. ‘I remember that time as well. I had just rebelled and... I thought I’d lost everything, but it turned out that I still had someone I could count on.’ 

Dean smiled and looked at Cas, who was staring back at him. He tried coming up with a response, however he had trouble finding his words. 

Only now, he noticed how closely they were sitting next to each other and Dean recognised the moment. It was familiar to him; he’d experienced it with many women before. That certain moment where he was close to them- so near and so close to kissing but not yet. Usually, he would have made his move by now, closing the distance, only now it was different. Now, _it was Cas._

It was like as if in just a few seconds, dozens of different emotions washed over him: fear, wonder, excitement, panic, doubt, affection. Suddenly, he seemed to feel everything.

Yet, in the end, it didn't matter that there was doubt, and it didn't seem to matter that it was Cas, or that it was a guy, or an ex-angel. All those things didn’t stop him. 

Dean closed the distance between them and their lips met. 

Dean had no idea where the sudden courage came from, but it didn’t really matter anyway. He was kissing Cas. Finally. 

Dean kissed him a little hesitantly at first, but he became more confident once Cas reciprocated. It only took seconds for him to react and kiss him back eagerly. Dean ran his hand through Cas’s hair and god, he'd wanted to do that for some time now. He'd been afraid before, yet, the need to want to be close to Cas and to experience what it would be like won out eventually. And damn, Dean was glad it had. 

Cas was a great kisser.

A minute later though, they broke the kiss.

And Dean had no idea on what the fuck to say.

Cas chuckled and Dean also couldn't help but laugh.

'God, Dean. What are we doing?' He said.

Dean smiled. 'Probably making this whole situation even more complicated than it already is.' He responded.

'Yeah, I'd say.' Cas agreed.

'That... it was kinda nice though.' Dean then couldn't help but say, and gave Cas a smile.

Because, fuck had it been nice. Dean wanted more. And yes, it was probably making the whole situation more complicated, but Dean found that in that moment, he didn't really care.

Cas smiled. 'It was.' He said. 'A little weird but nice nonetheless.'

'Weird?'

'Yeah, a little, I mean... I enjoyed that, but it is kinda strange. Like, we're here kissing each other for the first time and yet, at the same time, it's something that I've already done so many times before with you.'

Dean did understand that. Cas had a whole history with his future-self and that wasn't something he could just forget about. And technically, they were the same person so he could get that it would be kind of weird for him, kissing two different versions of the same person.

'Right...'

'I'd still be happy to continue though, as long as you are.'

However, Dean then did hesitate for a moment. Because, as Cas brought up future-Dean, Dean suddenly also thought of Castiel. 2009 Castiel. _Cas._ Future-Dean had expressed that he didn't like the fact that he and Cas were getting closer, and Dean couldn't help but wonder how his Cas would feel about it as well.

Would he care? When thinking about that, Dean honestly had no idea. Their relationship had always been platonic; they were allies and were still in the process of becoming friends. 

Or... was there more? Sometimes, Dean thought there was. There might have been some lingering looks and touches here and there. Or, had that all been only in his head? Dean wasn't sure. 

This Cas, however, seemed to wait for a response. He was looking at Dean expectantly.

Dean didn't have time to think about it. This Cas was waiting for an answer and so, Dean gave it. He went with his gut and stopped thinking. He'd think about the consequences later.

'I am.' He said.

Cas smiled and Dean kissed him again.

The evening seemed to go by pretty fast after that. A few hours, kisses and countless conversation topics later, Dean again found himself in Cas’s bed. They had stayed on the couch talking until it had become dark outside and when it had, Cas asked him to stay, and Dean didn’t have to think about that for a moment.

However, when they lied down together, Dean was momentarily a little freaked out; he wondered if Cas was expecting things to go further. He panicked slightly, not because he didn’t like Cas, or that he wasn’t curious as to what it would be like. But he just didn’t know if he was ready for that just yet. 

However, ultimately, there wasn’t anything to worry about, because Cas didn’t do anything but kiss him. Maybe he'd sensed his nervousness. Cas definitely knew him well enough. 

Therefore, in the end, they just lied in each other’s arms and talked, and Dean was perfectly content with that. 

Then, just like their previous night together, Cas had fallen asleep before him. He'd taken a pill again to help him fall asleep.

Still, Dean didn’t mind Cas falling asleep on him, in fact, he caught himself thinking he actually wouldn’t mind getting used to it. 

Dean watched Cas as the ex-angel was resting peacefully on his shoulder. Dean smiled at the sight and kissed him softly on the forehead. He really could get used to this, he thought. 

However, at the same time, he was also still painfully aware of how in reality, whatever he had with this Cas was only destined to be short-lived. There was no way in the world that it would last, so being aware of that, Dean just savoured the moment he had with Cas in his arms. 

Lying there, Dean also couldn’t help but wonder how things would be when he would be back in his own time. He wondered about what he should do about Sam, and how things with Cas were going to be. It certainly was going to be weird seeing the angel counterpart of Cas again after everything that happened.

However, Dean was also thinking about his current situation. He still was having difficulty to wrap his mind around it all; he’d been there for a few days now, but the whole situation was still crazy to him and it still felt like he was in some weird dream. 

Though, it was a weird dream of which he loved and hated being in at the same time.


	6. Cas, I need you.

Waking up next to Cas again the next morning was nice. God, it was nice. It was the second time now that Dean woke up finding the ex-angel in his arms and somehow, he enjoyed it even more this time than the previous one. 

Yet, Dean was acutely aware of the fact that everything around them was a mess and that there was a good chance there was going to be a meeting today. Still, he couldn’t help but hope he would be able to spend the day with Cas just as he had yesterday.

Unfortunately, reality came crushing down on them in the form of Risa. His morning with Cas was cut short by her sudden entrance into the cabin. She came walking in, almost as if she owned the place, telling them that there was a meeting at twelve and that they were both expected to be there. Fortunately, she left pretty quickly.

Dean didn't miss the judgemental glance she threw them before she walked out of the cabin again. Still, it wasn't that Dean cared; he didn’t give two shits about her or about what she thought of him. 

Dean didn’t feel like going, yet, he knew that he needed to go. Also, a part of him was curious what the meeting was actually about.

He'd suspected it was probably about the mission to take on Lucifer and he proved to be right.

His future-self had invited everyone to the meeting that he wanted to take part in the mission; there was him, Dean himself, Cas, Risa and four other guys Dean didn’t know. For what felt like an hour, he listened to his future-self going through the whole plan. The plan was to leave and find Lucifer tomorrow, but Dean couldn’t help but feel uneasy about it since he didn’t get the impression that his future-self knew what to expect entering the town at all. Still, he didn’t blame him for it, since Dean himself also had no idea of how many demons or Croats to expect waiting for them in the town. 

When the meeting was finished, Dean made to leave, however he was stopped by his future-self. ‘Dean, wait. I need to talk to you.’ He said. 

Dean turned around to face himself, who was leaning against the table. ‘Okay… What about?’ He asked frowning. 

‘Michael. And the big yes.’

Dean thought he probably could have expected his future-self to bring this up to him at one point. Undoubtedly, he wanted to let him know that he should say yes to Michael. This was his future-self wanting to try to convince him not to make the same mistakes he made. ‘Ah.’ He therefore said knowingly. 

‘Ah?’ His future-self repeated with a frown.

‘Uh, yeah. I assume this is the point where you tell me I should say yes to that asshole?’

‘How do you-’ His future-self started, but then realisation dawned on his face. ‘Cas…’

‘Yeah… he told me already.’ He said, feeling suddenly a little uncomfortable somehow.

‘Of course he did.’ His future-self said bitterly. 

‘I’m sorry, was it a secret or something?’

‘No- just listen alright?’ His future self said. He sighed and paused before he spoke again. ‘It was my decisions that caused everything to end up like this; I fucking created this mess. But you can still do things different. When you get back home- you say yes, you hear me? You have to say yes to Michael.’

Dean however, shook his head. ‘That’s crazy. If I let him in, then Michael fights the devil. The battle is gonna torch half the planet.’

‘Look around you, man. Half the planet is better than no planet, which is what we have now. If I could do it over again, I’d say yes in a heartbeat.’

‘Yeah, Cas told me you were a little too late.’

‘I was…’ He said and huffed. ‘And believe me, I tried. I’ve shouted yes until I was blue in the face. But the angels weren’t listening. They just left, gave up. It’s too late for me, but for you-’

‘Oh no. There has to be another way.’ Dean interrupted. Why couldn’t he see that there were still other options?

His future-self smiled cynically. ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. I was cocky. Never actually thought I’d lose. But I was wrong. Dean.' He continued, and looked increasingly desperate. 'I was wrong. I’m begging you. Say yes.’ 

Neither one of them said anything for a moment.

‘But you won’t.' His future-self then continued. 'Because I didn’t. Because that’s just not in us, is it?’

Dean watched himself for a moment and for the first time since he’d been there, in the future, he actually felt sympathy for the guy. His desperation was so clearly visible on his face and Dean could also see so much regret. For some reason however, Dean was also a little glad to see it, because it meant that he wasn’t as cold-hearted as he seemed; it meant that he still cared. 

‘I guess it isn’t…' Dean ultimately said. 'Listen, I hear you man, I really do. But I’m not doing it; there are still other choices, other ways. There has to be a way to stop it all, I know it.’ 

‘God damn it, why don’t you just listen to me, huh? I fucking lived it, you should take my advice to heart!’ His future-self snapped, his expression turning from desperate and regretful to angry and frustrated.

‘Well… Cas lived it too and he agrees with me.’ Dean objected.

He really wasn’t so sure if bringing Cas up again was a good idea –it probably wasn’t- yet, the words had come out of his mouth before he had realised it. And therefore, since he’d already gone there, Dean thought he might as well continue. ‘He told me that he also believes that there has to be a way around it and that together with Sam, I could find a way to stop Lucifer.’

His future-self huffed and shook his head. ‘That fucking idiot…’ He murmured.

‘He’s not an idiot!’ Dean interjected immediately. 

‘Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to offend _your boyfriend._ ’ His future-self then said mockingly. 

Dean huffed and with that, all the sympathy he had for him just moments ago was gone. ‘Are you really going there? I thought you wanted to talk about the bigger picture.’

‘Well… It’s kinda been the elephant in the room, hasn’t it?’ His future-self asked. 

‘If you say so.'

They stared angrily at each other for a moment.

Dean eventually continued. 'You know what, fine. Let me hear what you have to say. Talk.’

‘Sure, I’ll talk. See the thing is, you might think or like to pretend that whatever you have going on with Cas is all good, sweet and pure but I know better.’

Dean frowned. ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ He asked. 

‘It means that it’s so fucking clear that you’re just using each other.’

‘I’m not usi-’ He started, offended by the accusation. 

‘You are. I know because I know you and I also know how I felt about him in oh-nine. Back then, I didn’t love him; I thought I was in love with Lisa. Still, there was this part of me that was attracted to Cas, but I remember me brushing off those thoughts, telling myself they didn’t mean anything, telling myself I was a hundred percent straight. Besides,’ His future-self continued and shrugged. ‘there was no way those feelings would ever be reciprocated, right? I mean, Cas was _Castiel,_ Angel of the Lord… No way that was ever going anywhere anyhow... 

His future-self smiled and continued again. 'But now, you find yourself here, and Cas… well, he isn’t so much of a holy servant of the Lord anymore, is he? Seems to me it’s the perfect chance for you to explore everything you were afraid to explore in your own time, because after all, you will get back to you own time anyways, so it’s not like anyone ever has to find out about what you’ve done here.’ His future-self finished with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

Dean was momentarily dumbfounded and at a loss for words; his future-self was right about a lot of things. Yet, he didn’t like to think he was using Cas, but _was it possible that maybe he was?_

Dean quickly pushed those doubts and thoughts away; he wouldn’t let himself be manipulated. Because, who was honestly the one here that was using Cas? It wasn’t him. The thing he had with Cas was something good and he wouldn’t let his dick-counterpart tell him anything different or make him believe that it wasn’t. He and Cas were both in a shit situation and there was nothing wrong in them finding comfort in each other.

‘You’re fucking insane. _I’m_ using Cas? What about you?’ He therefore objected. 

_‘What about me?’_

‘Oh, I don’t know, I just think it’s rich coming from you, saying that I’m using Cas since it’s so fucking clear you haven’t done anything but that.’ He sneered. 

‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’ve been here for what, 6 fucking days? And you’re already acting you know everything about us.’ His future-self sneered back at him. 

‘I know enough.’

‘You don’t know _anything_.’

Dean shook his head. ‘I know he deserves better than the treatment he gets from you. Why he keeps coming back to you is beyond me.’ Dean said. 

Suddenly, his future-self was smirking again. ‘Oh, is that bothering you?’ He asked. 

‘No.’ He said, only, it was. There just was no way he was admitting that to the smug dick in front of him. 

However, there apparently was no use in lying to the guy. ‘Oh Dean… You know you can’t lie to yourself.’ His future-self said. 'I can read it all over your face. You want him.' 

Dean shook his head in denial, even though they both knew the truth.

His future self was grinning. 'It's okay, Dean. There's no shame in it. Though, I do think it's kind of hypocritical... You accusing me of using Cas even though you've been wanting the same damn thing.

Dean didn't know what to say to that.

'I'm sure you've been wondering what it would be like, huh? To spend a night with obedient little Castiel? This submissive version of him who'd do anything you tell him to.' His future-self continued, and looking at the guy, it was clear that he was enjoying this. 'If you want, you can just ask me about it. Normally, I don't kiss and tell, but since you're me, I think I can make an exception. I can imagine you're curious.'

'Fuck off. You know what? Being sent in the future and all… I would’ve thought I’d like myself… and yet here we are.’ He said eventually as he forced a smile. 

His future-self returned his smile. Both smiles though, were anything but sincere. ‘Yes here we are.' He then replied. 'But see, I don’t care what you think of me. Really, I don't give a fuck what you think, because this is _my_ camp and _I’m_ in charge, so if you don’t like how things are, then that’s just too damn bad. And besides, it’s not like I’ve been waiting for you to show up, okay? I don’t want you here, you’ve been nothing but a pain in my ass.’

‘Oh, how have I been a pain in your ass?’ Dean asked, offended.

‘Well… You never fucking listen to me, for starters. No… you’d much rather listen to Cas-’

Dean chuckled. ‘Who’s jealous now?’ He asked. 

‘I’m not.’ His future-self denied. 

‘Oh, really?’

‘Yeah, really. 'Cause here’s the thing, you might think you have something special going on with him, but in reality, I’d only have to snap my fingers and I’d have him. That’s what I meant when I said you were using each other. It’s not just you who’s using him; it goes both ways. He’s getting from you all the things he actually wants from me. You can give him what he wants, but in the end…, you’re just a copy.’

Dean rolled his eyes, but in reality, the words stung more than he cared to admit. ‘You’re an arrogant sonofabitch, you know that?’

‘I’m not arrogant, it’s just the truth.’

‘You know what, I am done talking to you. If you want to speak to me about something important such as the mission tomorrow or Michael, feel free to come to me, otherwise stay the hell away from me.’ Dean said before leaving. Dean simply really was done talking to his future-self. He had never loved himself much, but he had never guessed he would hardly be able to stand himself once he’d met himself. Dean could see that a part of him still cared, but man…, that part of him really seemed to be small. 

 

 

 

After his double from the past had left, Dean remained at the headquarters cabin until the evening. There wasn’t much he could do to prepare for the next day, but he still liked to remain focused on the mission. Yet, all afternoon, he couldn't help but think back to the conversation he’d just had with his past-self. Dean really hadn’t intended for it to turn into a fight and hadn’t meant to make it about Cas; he had only wanted to talk about Michael, yet that wasn’t quite how things had worked out... It wasn't ideal though since they were going on a mission tomorrow and it wouldn’t help if there were tensions within the team. Dean knew that. Nevertheless, the damage was done and there was nothing to do about it anymore.

Also, nobody could blame him for saying the things he'd said, because his past-self had just been nothing but a complete asshole to him. Ever since he arrived at the camp, he'd been nothing but trouble. Instead of helping him out and making life a little easier on him, this guy did the complete opposite. He was so goddamn annoying, but the conversation he'd just had with the guy was probably the highlight. Not only was he stubborn and refused to listen to a word he said, he was all judgemental too. It had really pissed him off and he still was.

Like, who the fuck was he to judge. The guy had no idea what he'd been through and he was no saint himself as well, Dean knew that. What a hypocrite... He still couldn't believe that his past-self had the fucking audacity to accuse him of using Cas. It was clear that the accusation was born out of jealousy. It couldn't be more obvious. But whether it was true or not, his relationship with Cas was none of the guy's business. He could fuck off. 

When it got closer to midnight, Dean left headquarters. He didn’t know if him going there was because it really was what he wanted himself, or if he did it just to spite his past self, but when he left headquarters, he immediately went to Cas’s cabin. Thinking about it, his reasons for going there were probably a bit of both. 

The prospect of spending his possible last night ever all alone didn’t really seem appealing to him. He knew he could easily find some girl from the camp to spend it with, but it was probably his last night, and he’d rather not spend it with someone whose name he hardly knew. Thus, spending it with Cas seemed the better choice and if that stung for his past-self, it would only be a plus. 

Dean could hear talking from inside the cabin as he arrived on the porch. He’d already guessed Cas wouldn’t be alone in there; he was perfectly aware of how much time his past-self had been spending in Cas’s cabin lately. Therefore, it was no surprise to him that he was there now. Still, it didn’t matter to him that his past-self was there too; he was sure he’d get what he wanted regardless. 

He knocked twice on the wood of the door frame. 

‘Hi there.’ He said as he walked a few feet inside the cabin. 

They were sitting on the couch, both looking up when he entered.

‘Hi... Dean.’ Cas greeted back whereas his double unsurprisingly didn’t.

‘Cas, can I talk to you for a sec?’ He asked.

Cas frowned at him and momentarily looked over to his past-self and then back. ‘Uh, sure...’ He said hesitantly.

Dean signalled Cas to follow him out to the porch and Cas followed. 

‘What is this about, Dean?’ He asked. 

‘Okay, straight to the point it is… Cas, I'm here because I want you to come with me. To my cabin, I mean.'

Cas crossed his arms.

'Why?'

Dean sighed. 'I just... I want for us to spend what might be our last hours together. And... I know that things aren’t exactly good between us, but... doesn’t it feel wrong to spend them with anybody but each other? 'Cause I know that’s how I feel.’ 

Cas shook his head. ‘Dean-’ 

‘Please, Cas. I mean, God knows what will happen tomorrow. This could be our last night-’ He started, yet he didn’t get the chance to finish what he was about to say. 

‘Dean, if you think your fucking last night on earth line is-’ Cas said heatedly. 

‘I’m not using it as a line, Cas.’ Dean interrupted. ‘Look... I was lying in bed alone in my cabin and I suddenly realised that these really could be our last hours. Our mission tomorrow is dangerous and risky and there are so many things that can go wrong...' Dean paused. 'And I mean… with everything we’ve been through together… I just- I just want to spend these hours with you. That's all.’ Dean pleaded and he could see doubt appearing on Cas’s face. 

The ex-angel was actually falling for his sappy bullshit. He always was so easy to manipulate 

‘Dean, I don’t know...’ He however said uncertainly and, but Dean could see the internal battle on his face.

‘Cas… please. _I need you._ ’ Dean suddenly said and somehow, those words seemed to have hit Cas like a brick. 

Dean knew exactly what he was doing; he knew what Cas’s weak spots were and this was one of them. The thing was that Dean didn't say ''I love you.'' Not ever. But, ''I need you'' was the thing which came closest to it. And Cas knew that. 

Cas visibly gulped in front of him before he answered. ‘Okay.’ Cas said eventually. Then he looked around for a second. ‘Um... Give me a minute, will you?’ He then asked.

Dean nodded and Cas went back inside. 

Dean stood waiting there on the porch and he could hear every word spoken inside. He couldn’t help but grin and feel a little satisfied hearing Cas say to his past-self that he was going with him. His past-self reacted calmly, but it was clear in his voice that it did bother him that Cas was leaving. Cas however, brushed him off by telling him that he still could stay in his cabin, since it would be more comfortable for him. Then, Dean could only hear a dejected ‘’thanks’’ from his past-self and after that, no more was said and Cas came out again. 

Silently they walked to Dean’s. 

When in the cabin, they went and both sat on the bed.

‘It’s been a while since you’ve actually asked me to come to you.’ Cas said, though not looking at him. 

‘I know… I just- tonight isn’t just any other night; you know?’

‘Yeah, I guess…' Cas said and sighed.

There was a long silence between them for a moment.

'I really wonder if we will die tomorrow...' Cas then said eventually. He chuckled. 'It might actually be then end.'

‘Yeah.’ Dean said and Cas finally turned to look back at him. 

Cas shrugged. ‘If we will, we at least won’t have to live in this mess of a world anymore.’ 

Dean smiled. ‘True.’ He said.

He was wondering how long this was going to take. He hadn't invited Cas over to talk and just reflect on their lives together. Yet, Cas wasn't making a move and was just talking to him. While Dean wasn't particulaly excited about that, he guessed that he could indulge him for a minute.

'What do you think, Dean? You actually believe we have a chance?'

'There is.' Dean answered. 'I meant it when I said that there are so many things that may go wrong but... I do honestly think this is the best chance we got.'

'Right.'

'I mean, Lucifer is only getting stronger and stronger and... I think it's just a matter of time before he wipes out this camp and all the other people who are still alive on this earth.'

Cas nodded.

'What about you? You believe we'll make it?'

Cas sighed. He didn't look confident. 'I... agree with everything you're saying and I do think this is the best chance for us to do something but... honestly I don't see us succeeding. Lucifer is... powerful- he's an archangel and we're just some guys with a couple of guns.'

'Don't forget we have the Colt.'

'I know, Dean. But still...' Cas said.

'Well... Great to hear you have faith in my plan.' Dean said in response. Because, honestly he felt a little offended. He had worked his ass off to get his hands on the Colt and had then proceeded to find out Lucifer's wheareabouts and had come up with a pretty good plan to take him down. It wasn't exactly fun to hear that Cas seemed to have no faith in it at all. 

'Dean, I didn't mean-'

'Whatever, Cas.'

'It isn't your plan or your skills that I have no faith in. It's just... I have given up hope for all this ending well a long time ago.' He said.

It was still weird to hear, especially since Cas always used to be so determinated and confident in everything that he did. He really had changed.

‘Don't get me wrong, I do hope we'l succeed but...'

‘No, I know. The chance we'll fail is pretty high.’ He said before pausing for a moment. His smile then disappeared from his face. ‘Though... if we do succeed… I’m going to have to shoot my brother.’ He said suddenly, taking both himself as well as Cas by surprise at the same time.

Dean didn’t know what had just possessed him to bring up Sam. He never brought him up anymore; hadn’t done it in a long time. Not even to Cas. It just always hurt too much to talk about him. Yet here he was, bringing him up anyway. It was only now that the realisation dawned on him that he would be seeing his brother the very next day. 

‘Dean, it won’t be your brother; it’s only wearing his face.’ Cas said with a compassionate look on his face. 

‘I know…’ Dean said as he looked at Cas. For a moment, he considered changing the topic into something lighter, yet for some reason, he just went on. ‘But still, it’s his face, you know?’

'I...' It looked as if Cas didn't know what to say.

Dean sighed. ‘Cas, you don’t know how many nightmares I’ve had wherein Lucifer is wearing my brothers face.’ He then said. Dean wasn't sure why he even was continuing the conversation but... he had to admit that it did feel kinda good to get those things he'd bottled up inside for so long of his chest.

‘You never told me that.’ Cas said. 

Dean smiled a half-smile. ‘I guess talking never really was our strong suit.’

'I wouldn't say never. I remember we used to talk a lot.’

Dean nodded. It was true. They used to talk often before. I used to be so easy. But that was before things got so screwed up between them.

‘I regret we’re not like that anymore.’ Cas then said.

Dean wasn't sure how to reply to that. Deep down he wanted to say that he missed it as well. Because he did. They used to have something good, Cas and him. But... they had changed. They both had.

'Cas, we've changed. That's just how things go.' He ended up saying.

Cas looked dissapointed. It almost looked like he'd been hoping Dean would say he'd missed it too.

'Right.'

Then there was silence again.

‘Do you ever regret it?’ Dean then asked.

Cas frowned. ‘Regret what?’ He said.

‘Staying with me, not going with the angels when they left.’ Dean answered and the looked at Cas for his reply. 

It was a question that had been on his mind for a long time, he’d just never asked.

The look on Cas’s face was answer enough to his question. ‘I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t.’ Cas said, confirming it.

Dean nodded. It stung a little, but he honestly couldn’t blame Cas. Dean had basically ruined his life. He knew that.

Still, he couldn’t help but appreciate the honesty. But then again, had Cas ever lied to him?

‘The thing is, it’s not like my decision to stay even did anyone any good. I stayed because I wanted to help people, but I turned out to be useless in that. And I also stayed because... I wanted to help you, and yet, we only ever brought each other down and hurt each other.’

‘I know…’ Dean said. ‘And yet, you’re still with me. Even now. You came with me, despite everything.’ He said. 

‘Yeah, well… I simply couldn’t say no to you after you dropped your last night on earth line.’ Cas joked. 

Dean actually laughed. ‘Well… it is my best line.’ He said.

They were both smiling and nothing else was said after that. 

Only a few seconds later, Dean moved to sit closer to Cas on the mattress and brought their lips together. The kiss wasn’t gentle, yet it neither was rough. It was just… nice. Dean moved his hand in Cas’s hair, as he had always liked the feel of Cas’s soft locks under his hand. Not before long, the kiss grew more intense and Dean didn’t know if it was him pushing Cas down, or if it was Cas pulling him down, but either way, he ended up on top of Cas on the bed. 

He there continued to kiss him slow and deep and they only separated to remove their shirts hastily. They also took off their pants and before he knew it, Dean was working his fingers inside Cas, stretching him open. Not long after that, Dean removed his fingers and directed the head of his cock to Castiel’s ass, teasing his entrance. 

Though suddenly, the need to be inside him overtook Dean completely. So, he lined himself up and was pleased as he pressed against Cas, slowly sliding past his rim. Cas moaned his name as he slid in and it was the only thing he said before Cas was pulling him even closer and kissing him urgently. Ultimately, the kiss was broken again by Cas, who asked for him to move. 

Cas’s hands glided down his back and Dean moved, sliding slowly back a little before rolling his hips forward. Dean kept his movements slow as he pushed himself in deep.

Dean’s eyes were glued to Cas’s as Dean moved inside him and Dean couldn’t help but think how fucking good Cas looked there under him. Dean carded his fingers through Cas’s hair again and then cupped his cheek. Cas leaned into his touch and Dean leant closer to kiss him again. 

Sex with Cas was always good, and this time didn’t disappoint either. Dean felt amazing and enjoyed the feel of Cas so hot and tight around him.

By laying a hand over Cas’s chest, Dean steadied himself to maintain his long and slow thrusts. Dean rested his forehead against Cas’s as he drove forward and thrusted even faster. Dean moaned and Castiel panted beneath him as Dean fucked him. Sliding his hand from Cas’s chest up to his neck, Dean skimmed his fingers over Castiel’s lips before he slid them forward into the ex-angel’s mouth. Dean watched as Cas sucked them eagerly. ‘Fuck, Cas, so good for me.’ Dean panted before withdrawing his fingers again and wrapping them around Cas’s cock. In response, Cas moaned and gripped his back even more tightly as Dean stroked him. 

Dean continued to rock into Cas and he could feel himself getting close as he quickened his pace and drove into Cas repeatedly, brushing his prostate doing so and in the end it was Cas who came first; Cas had wrapped his legs around his waist, while he’d gasped his name and a string of encouragements that had made Dean jerk Cas with renewed fervour and Cas had lost control and came with Dean’s name on his lips. Afterwards, Dean continued to thrust wildly, lost to his sensations before he gave in too and came with a moan, smothering his mouth over Cas’s as he pumped into him. 

For a few moments, Dean didn’t move at all and stayed where he was with his head resting against Cas’s neck. He listened to their still heavy breathing and he could feel Cas’s gentle hands on his back. A moment later, he rolled off of Cas and moved to lie next to him on the bed.

Dean was exhausted and was still panting heavily as he only stared at the ceiling. He glanced to his right and saw that Cas was looking at it as well. Cas didn’t seem to notice that he was looking at him and Dean smiled contentedly; he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt like this. He felt peaceful and it felt like for a moment the weight on his shoulders had lifted. Very suddenly, taking himself and probably Cas too by surprise, Dean wrapped one arm around Cas and a moment later he found himself spooning him and asking him to stay.

They really hadn’t done either of those in a long time; they didn't cuddle and they never stayed overnight. Still, Dean didn’t feel uncomfortable at all about it now; it actually felt quite nice lying there with Cas in his arms. _It felt like how things should have been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I hate writing smut, but I already committed to the 'Explicit' tag and I'm not backing down from it. Guess I'll have to suck it up for a few more chapters.. Hope you enjoyed the chapter though and I'd love to hear what you think!


	7. Nothing has changed.

The mission had been a complete failure and Dean had never felt more frustrated and dissapointed. He had really counted on the fact that at least something was going to happen today; that he’d either defeat Lucifer or that he’d lose and die. Yet instead, nothing had changed. Nothing at all... 

They had left around six in the morning and they’d arrived at the town around eight. Lucifer wasn’t in the town itself; they knew that he was located and based in an old, abandoned sanatorium at the outskirts of town. However, the weird thing was that there were no demons nor Croats waiting for them anywhere; neither in the town or around the sanatorium itself. It looked like Lucifer had cleared the path for them, which only meant that it was a trap. Therefore, Dean concluded that charging in would be fruitless since they’d all die if they did. So ultimately, the best decision was for them to head back to the camp in order to regroup. 

When they’d returned, they briefly talked things over at headquarters and Dean let everyone know that there was going to be another mission and soon; he would only need some time to devise a new plan.

When he was done talking, everyone else had left except for Cas and his twin. All three of them were standing around the table and as they stood there, Dean noticed that the other two were looking very disappointed as well. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who expected more to happen today. 

For a while, they all remained silent. It was his past-self who spoke up first. ‘Well… So, this completely blows.’ He stated moodily.

Dean, who was sitting on a chair with his face buried in his hands, huffed. ‘Yeah… You don’t have to tell me.’ 

‘Nothing has changed.’ Cas then said softly, probably more to himself than anyone else.

‘It will. It... It will just take a little longer. We might not have succeeded today but, we will get another chance.’ Dean replied. 

Another silence followed and it again was his past-self who broke it. ‘You know, for some reason I expected Zachariah to bring me back today.’ He said and sighed. ‘I actually thought this whole nightmare would be over by now.’ He added as he ran a hand through his hair.

‘Why today?’ Cas asked.

His past-self shrugged. ‘I thought me seeing Sam was what that dick wanted me to see and that he’d bring me back once I did. And I thought that was going to be today, but no… I’m still fucking here.’ 

Dean frowned in annoyance. ‘Look buddy, no one here is happy about this, so suck it up.’ He snapped in response. 

Because honestly, the last thing he needed right now was having to hear to his past-self's bitching about the fact that he wanted to go home. He wasn’t the only one who was disappointed about how the mission had turned out.

It looked like his past-self was about to snap back at him, but Cas interjected before he got the chance. ‘Okay… So what’s our next move?’ 

‘We’ll leave again in a few days. I’ll figure something out.’ He said.

‘You’ll figure something out?’ His past-self repeated.

'Yes.'

‘We can help you; you know?’ He offered.

Dean shook his head. ‘No thanks. I’d rather think by myself. I work better on my own. Besides, do you see the three of us working on a plan together really working out? Come on.' He said.

It looked like his past-self got his point.

But uh… in case you do come up with a brilliant strategy, you sure let me know.’ He said, brushing off the offer as he made for the door.

‘Where are you going?’ Cas then asked.

‘I need a drink, sue me.’ He said before he left. 

 

 

 

As Dean watched his future-self leave, Dean mused that getting a drink wasn’t even that bad of an idea. He certainly could use one himself… For a moment, he looked at Cas, but then he made to leave as well.

‘Where are you going?’ Cas asked. 

Dean shrugged. ‘I could kinda use a drink as well. I’m sure I’ll be able to find one somewhere around here.’ He said as he walked to the door.

Cas walked over to him. ‘Dean, I know you’re disappointed. We all are.’ He said.

Dean huffed. ‘Yeah, I’m disappointed.’ He concurred. ‘I can’t fucking stand to be here anymore.’ He then muttered under his breath.

Cas looked a little hurt by that. ‘Well… I hadn’t realised it was that horrible for you.’ He said, sounding a little offended.

Dean sighed. ‘Cas, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it like that.’ He said because despite everything, the last thing he wanted was to hurt Cas.

Looking at Cas though, he didn't really seem to believe that. 'You didn't?' He said.

'No... I’m just- I’m just frustrated. That's all.’ 

‘About... what?’

Dean sighed again. ‘Well, for one thing, about this mission being a bust. Then there's also the fact that I'm still stuck here. And…’ He wanted to continue but stopped himself just in time.

He couldn't go there. He wasn’t going to tell Cas about the other thing that was frustrating the hell out of him. He wasn't going to tell Cas that what happened the night before really bothered him. Because sure, it bothered him that Cas had chosen to leave with his future-self - it had actually bothered him a lot - but in the end, that wasn’t Cas’s problem. Wasn't it? 

However, what he'd intended didn't matter in the end as Cas figured out exactly what he was about to say. ‘Are you talking last night?' He asked. 'You can say it.’ 

Dean sighed and took a moment before he replied. ‘Okay… Yeah, I... I kinda have to admit, that’s bothering me too, Cas.’ He confessed, since lying to Cas seemed to be futile. ‘I just- The reason I told you I could hardly stand to be here anymore is because... it’s not easy to watch what you’re doing to yourself.’

Cas frowned. ‘And what is that?’ He asked defensively.

Dean carefully thought about his reply for a moment, afraid of saying the wrong thing. He really wanted to put his answer in the right words, but were there right words for someone to say to someone else that they felt like the other was being emotionally manipulated by the person they loved? Probably not... 

‘I mean, it's how you let him treat you, Cas. And... how you let yourself be manipulated by him. I thought you were smarter than that. Can’t you see he’s using you?’ He eventually said and to his regret, it came out blunter than he had indented. But then again, Dean mused that there probably really wasn’t a better way to say it. 

Now, Cas really looked offended, and a part of Dean really regretted having said anything. Yet, another part of him actually was a little glad he had expressed what he felt, even though Cas was probably going to hate him for it.

‘Dean, you don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s not using me.’ Cas objected. ‘And I’m not letting myself be manipulated. Last night- it wasn’t like that.'

'Oh, really?'

'Yes! I admit that things between me and Dean are far from perfect, but Dean, we are there for each other when it counts. So... I’m sorry if you felt rejected because I went with him-’

‘It isn’t about that!’ Dean interrupted. ‘And I’m sorry to break it to you, but I know exactly what I’m talking about. I’m him, Cas, which means I know him pretty damn well even though I’ve only been here for a week. I can see right through him and when he spoke to you on that porch yesterday it was clear as day what he was doing.’ He said, again more bluntly than intended. 

‘Right… He was manipulating me.’ Cas said still sounding unconvinced.

‘Yes! For god’s sake Cas, ‘’I need you’’? Really? How much more fucking obvious does it need to be for you to get it?’ He exclaimed, thinking back to the conversation he’d overheard yesterday.

It really had been so obvious, or it had been to him at least; his future-self had wanted Cas to spend his ‘’supposed’’ last night with him, and when all his pleading wasn’t getting him anywhere, he used the ‘’I need you’’. It was undoubtedly something Cas really wanted to hear and his future-self had been aware of that. So, he’d used it to get what he wanted.

And that was another thing, why in the hell did he want to spend his last night with Cas in the first place? Dean sincerely doubted it really was because it ‘’felt wrong to spend it with someone else after everything they had been through together’’. If Dean really had to guess, he would say he did it just to spite him and to prove to him that it really was true that he’d only have to snap his fingers for Cas to be his. 

Dean was doubting Cas would ever believe him, however when he looked at him, Dean noticed something in his expression had changed and suddenly he didn’t look so unconvinced anymore. 

Nevertheless, he shook his head. ‘You’re wrong. He wouldn’t do that.’ He denied, though he looked uncertain saying it.

'Oh, really? So, you're telling me, he never lies to get what he wants from you? Is that what you're saying?

Cas looked at him, anger in his eyes, but he said nothing. 

'See. You can't even deny it. You know I'm right, Cas.'

For a moment, they stared at each other. ‘Go fuck yourself, Dean.’ Cas then said, before walking out.

Dean stood there, wondering if he should go after him or not. In the end, he didn’t, thinking it probably wasn’t a good idea since Cas probably didn’t want to see him right now. He could understand that and he could see why he was upset, yet still… Dean really hoped that he wouldn’t stay mad at him for long, since Cas was the only person who was making his stay in the future bearable. 

 

 

 

Dean had already drunk quite a lot before he heard a knock. He sat up on his bed to see Cas entering his cabin.

He wasn’t sure if he was seeing it right because of the alcohol he'd consumed, but it almost looked as if he was a little upset. 

It was probably nothing though…

‘Cas. What do you want?’ He asked directly. 

Cas shrugged and he walked over closer to him. ‘Nothing. I just... thought we could talk. Or… maybe drink together?’ He suggested with a half-smile.

Dean frowned. ‘I'm not sure that's a good idea. You've never been great with alcohol...’ 

'Uh...'

'Besides, we both know that drugs are way more your thing, right? So, if you want a distraction so bad, why don't you just go and do that and leave me alone?'

'Dean... It's not about distraction. I just wanted to see you.'

‘Okay, where’s this coming from?’ 

Cas shrugged again. ‘I don’t know. Just- last night was good and I thought-’

‘Last night was good.’ Dean interrupted. ‘But, please don’t make more of it than it was okay?’ He said straightforwardly. He kind of felt like a dick saying it, but he could already see where Cas was going and he just wasn’t in the mood for Cas’s sentimental bullshit right now. 

Cas seemed confused. ‘What?’ 

Dean chuckled. ‘What? It was just a night of good sex. Did you honestly expect it to change things?’ He asked, because what the hell was Cas even thinking? Dean couldn’t deny that he’d enjoyed himself and that it had been more meaningful than usual, however at the end of the day… it didn’t change anything. _How could it?_

A mix of emotions was clear on Cas’s face. He looked confused, hurt and a little angry all at once. ‘It was more than just sex.’ He objected.

‘Was it? 'Cause I know that’s all it was for me.’ He said, even though it was a lie.

It hadn’t been just sex for him, it had been more than that. Why he couldn’t admit to that though, Dean didn’t know. He could still remember how happy and content he had felt having Cas in his arms again and he had certainly enjoyed the sex, but it was the closeness he’d actually enjoyed about it most. Still, here he was, pretending and claiming he hadn’t felt anything.

Cas was shaking his head. ‘You’re lying. Last night was different, you… you asked me to stay.’

Dean sighed. ‘I was tired, Cas.’ He said, knowing fully well how lame his excuse was. However, he honestly couldn’t be bothered to come up with something better. 

‘So, was it all just bullshit what you said to me? That you wanted us to spend our last hours together… And that-that you needed me?’ Cas asked as Dean took another swig.

He shrugged. ‘Pretty much.’ He said quite honestly, since those words all really had been bullshit. He really hadn’t meant a word of what he'd said on the porch and had only said what he did in order to convince Cas to come with him.

It had been pretty manipulative, yet to his defence, it wasn’t all bullshit he’d told Cas yesterday. Once they were inside his cabin, he had been mostly sincere. 

_Not that he would ever admit to that._

Dean looked at Cas who was still looking hurt and disappointed. ‘Come on, Cas. Don’t look so fucking hurt. We had good time, can’t that be enough?’

Cas smiled bitterly. ‘I’m sorry, it was stupid of me to think you actually still cared.’ He said as he stood up again.

Dean shrugged. ‘We all make mistakes.’ He replied casually. 

‘Clearly.’ Cas said as he turned around to walk away. 

Dean chuckled. ‘But it’s okay, Cas, I understand… I can see that the whole situation must be pretty confusing for you.’ He said, stopping Cas in his tracks. 

Dean knew that it would be better to just let Cas leave since he was drunk and was undoubtedly going to say something stupid, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Cas turned around again. ‘What are you talking about?’ He asked with a frown.

‘Well, I guess you must have been confusing me with… past-me. But Cas, the thing is; he might be all sweet and caring towards you, but I’m not like that, so don’t get us confused okay? I’m not him and he’s not me, so I think the sooner you realise that, the better.’ He said in a condescending tone and paused a moment before he continued again. ‘I can see why you would confuse us though, since you really have been going from one to the other lately.’ He added with a sneer. 

‘What?’

Dean rolled his eyes. ‘Please Cas, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. One night your snuggling it up with him in your cabin and the next you’re in my bed again… and so on. All I'm saying is that I can see how all that slutting around can make it all pretty confusing for you.’ He said trying his best to keep the jealousy from his voice. 

'Dean, I'm perfectly capable of seeing the difference between-'

'Are you, though?'

Cas just glared at him.

‘But I have to admite that I'm curious... Is it the same when he fucks you or am I better? Though I guess I must be, since he’s so new to it all. Is that why you keep coming back to me?’

It appeared he’d succeeded in trying to get a rise out of Cas. ‘How can you-’ He started indignantly, yet Dean didn’t give him the chance to finish. 

‘What? I’m just curious.’ He said innocently and grinned. 

‘You know what Dean, go fuck yourself. Why do you feel the need to act like such a fucking asshole all the time?’ He asked angrily, though it was clear on his face that he mostly just felt hurt and disappointed. 

‘Oh, fuck off. Just the fact that I’m not saying what you want to hear, doesn’t automatically make me an asshole.’ He said as he stood up as well, getting in Cas’s face.

‘Well, _you are._ ’ Cas said as he turned around and made to leave again. 

Somehow that angered him. ‘Don’t walk away from me.’ He snapped as he gripped Cas’s arm tightly and spun him around again. 

Dean honestly didn’t know why he just couldn’t let Cas leave.

‘Let go of me.’ Cas demanded as he tried to yank his arm away. 

‘ _What?_ I thought you wanted to talk.’ Dean snarled. 

Cas winced, Dean was still gripping him tightly. ‘Dean, you're being a complete dick and you're drunk. I don’t see the point of continuing this conversation right now.’

Dean chuckled. ‘Says the guy who’s stoned all the time.’

Cas huffed. ‘Oh yeah, sure, throw that in my face again.’

‘What Cas? Is the truth hard to hear?’ He asked derisively. 

Cas looked down in shame. 'I want you to let go of me, Dean.' He then whispered.

Dean finally did. 

Cas rubbed his arm, as he did, his face scrunched up a little in pain.

They only stared at each other for a moment. Cas then finally spoke again. ‘I know that I have faults. Dean, we both do. I just thought- I hoped, that after last night there was still a chance for us to be there for one another. But obviously I was wrong. You don’t want me and you don’t care, so I’ll just leave you alone.’ He said and before Dean knew it, Cas was gone and he was alone again. 

For a moment, Dean just stood there. He didn’t know exactly how to feel, but he knew he didn’t feel good; not about the conversation he just had, not about anything… 

When he turned around, he found that the bottle he’d been drinking from empty. Fortunately, he had enough others lying around in his cabin. So a minute later, Dean was lying on his bed again, with a new bottle between his lips, and with every sip he took he felt a little better. 

His worries about the mission, Lucifer and Cas all finally faded away. 

Dean briefly wondered what Cas was doing and he was pretty sure that he knew; by now, Cas was undoubtedly doing the same thing as him. Escaping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I've strayed a little from canon in that the mission fails the first time since I didn't want to end the fic just yet. I really wanted to explore the deanxcasxdean dynamic further, so I hope it makes sense... Also a huge thanks for all the kudos and comments so far guys, I really appreciate it!


	8. He is everything to me.

After having spent the last three nights in a row in Cas’s bed, Dean found that his camping mat was in comparison, really not all that comfortable. He'd really enjoyed sharing a bed with Cas. It had been nice. The camping mat on the other hand, wasn't the best. Despite that however, Dean had still slept reasonably well. He'd gotten a few hours in. Though, he probably had to thank the alcohol for that.

When Cas had stormed out on him, Dean had found himself a bottle of scotch which he'd drunk before going to sleep. Maybe it had been a little pathetic to be drinking alone like that, but Dean honestly didn’t care. He had needed it. It hadn't been a great day, to say the least.

Fortunately, he didn’t feel all that hung over this morning. He only felt a light headache. Dean was at least grateful for that. 

However, he still felt pretty lousy. There were so many things on his mind, so many things that were troubling him. First of all, there was the frustration about still being stuck in the future. He really had about enough of it by now and just wanted to go back to his own damn time. Not that his own time was so much better, but still… he would at least be able to do something there, to change things. But instead, he was still here; in a place where he couldn't do anything and didn’t belong at all. 

And then there was also the thing with Cas. Dean still felt bad about it. The hurtful look on Cas’s face as he had walked out on him yesterday was still so clear in Dean’s mind. He really hadn’t want to hurt him like that.

Briefly Dean wondered if it had been the right decision to not go after him, and he also wondered if he maybe should go and talk to Cas now. However, he decided not to in the end, thinking it was probably for the best to give Cas some space. 

Nevertheless, Dean still secretly hoped that after having thought about it, Cas would come around and return to him. However, Dean didn’t expect him to.

Therefore, it came as quite a surprise to him to suddenly find Cas standing in the door opening.

‘Hey, can I come in?’ Cas asked. 

Dean straightened himself up in his seat. ‘Of course you can, Cas.’ He replied as he motioned Cas to come inside. 

Dean watched Cas as he walked over to him. He looked tired and Dean could see he hadn’t slept well. Still, Dean was glad that he was there.

He moved his feet off of the chair in front of him so that Cas could take a seat.

‘So, about yesterday…’ Cas started hesitantly as he sat down.

‘I know… I feel like crap about it.’ Dean said, shaking his head. 

Cas smiled. ‘Dean, I came to apologise.’

Dean again found himself surprised. Of course, he had hoped that Cas would come to believe him eventually, but he really hadn’t expected him to come around so soon. Still, Dean was glad that he had. ‘What? Really?’ 

‘Yes. I mean, you were right... I didn’t want to see it before, but I think that I do now.’ Cas admitted with a half-smile, but Dean could read from his face that it was hard for him to admit. Disappointment could be read all over his face. 

‘You do?’ Dean asked tentatively. 

Cas nodded. ‘What Dean and I have is- it's really messed up and I know that, but still… I always keep coming back to him somehow.’ He said, frowning as if he didn’t understand it himself. ‘We’ve been like this for such a long time and I don’t know… we just keep falling back into the same patterns and sometimes it just feels as if I can’t even help it… It’s just hard to let go, I guess.’

‘Must be easier said than done.’ Dean said, not knowing anything better to say. 

Cas smiled another sad smile. ‘It is. We’ve just been through so much together; you know?' 

'I... can only imagine.'

'It's just... after everything that I’ve lost. Dean- he is everything to me. He's all that I have.’

Dean kind of found himself at a loss for words. After all, it wasn’t an everyday thing for him to hear someone say that he was their ‘’everything’’. And sure, Cas hadn’t really meant him per se, but still… It was quite a statement and Dean wasn’t sure how to respond to it. 

And then there was also the ease in which Cas had said it; there was no hesitation, only sincerity. It really made Dean think about the extent of Cas’s feelings for his future counterpart, because of course, it had been clear to him that Cas loved the guy, but only now he realised that he probably couldn’t even grasp how much he did.

Dean gazed at Cas and his heart broke a little, the ex-angel looked downright depressed.

The silence between them lingered. 

'Cas...’ Dean then eventually started. He had no idea what he was going to say. But he knew he had to say something. 'I'm... I know that things between you two have become... seriously fucked up but, I'm sure that there's a part of him that still really cares about you.' He said. 

Dean had no idea if that would help. He could only hope that it would.

Cas smiled and then looked at Dean. ‘I know there is.' He said. 'He can deny or pretend that it’s not there, but I know that there is a part of him that still cares about me.’ After pausing for a moment, Cas continued. ‘He still shows it sometimes, when we’re alone. Not often, but… And I guess because I know that side of him is there, I keep holding onto it somehow.’

‘You shouldn’t.’ 

‘I know.’ Cas agreed.

‘And I’m not saying that out of selfish reasons, I’m really not.’ Dean told him honestly. 

'Yeah, I know, Dean. I'll just stay away.' He said. 'He doesn't want to see me anyways...' He said, looking down again.

Dean felt bad for Cas, but he was still glad to hear that. As far as Dean was concerned, his future-self only hurt Cas and he was a lot better off staying away from him.

Silence then fell between them again.

In that moment, Dean couldn't help but think. It was stupid, but a few times, he had thought about what could happen between him and Cas when he would manage to get back in time again. He'd thought that maybe, there was something to explore between him and his Cas, 2009 Cas. He couldn't lie and say that he didn't want that. But... now that he was actually thinking about it, doubt started to cloud his mind. Because now, he'd seen first hand what they would be like together and honestly, it wasn't good. Maybe they both would be better off as just friends or allies. 

'Do you... Cas, do you think us being together can never work?'

Cas looked up and frowned at him. He seemed to think about it for a moment. ‘No… I don't think that.' He eventually said. 'Perhaps if circumstances were different it would have worked out better. But I don't know…’

Dean nodded. ‘Can I ask… Was there a reason for this 180?’ 

'What?'

'Well... Yesterday, you got mad and said I had no idea what I was talking about, but now, you're agreeing with me, suddenly.'

‘Oh. Uh... yeah, there is a reason.’ Cas said and sighed. ‘I talked to him after we spoke.' 

Cas then looked down for a moment and Dean took the opportunity to look at him again. Cas really didn’t look good; he looked downright miserable and had bags under his eyes. 

‘You wanna talk about it?’ Dean asked.

Cas looked up again and smiled. ‘Dean, you don’t want to hear this. I’ve been bothering you enough with my bullshit as is.’

‘What? Cas, no- you haven’t been bothering me. Really.’ He said, because Dean honestly didn’t feel like that. He actually rather liked his talks with Cas and the fact that Cas felt comfortable to talk to him about things that were bothering him was something Dean actually was happy about. It was evident that Cas had a lot of problems and if talking about them helped, Dean was more than willing to listen. 

‘Okay…’ Cas started hesitantly. ‘It’s just- last night, I went to him. I guess I wanted to prove to myself that you were wrong about what you said. I thought that maybe we could be there for one another like the night before, but uh… it was stupid. I should’ve known better.’

‘You thought something had changed.’

Cas shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I hoped… But, he made it pretty clear that that wasn’t the case.’ He said, smiling bitterly. ‘You were right about everything.' 

Cas looked dissapointed. It broke Dean's heart a little.

'Cas, I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have said those things to you.' He said.

'No, Dean. You don't have to apologise for it. You were only telling me the truth. And... though it might have been hard to hear, I needed to hear it.'

'You know that he's an idiot right, for treating you like that. You don't deserve it, Cas.' He said as he looked into Cas's eyes.

Cas looked away from him. 'You don't have to say that.' He said.

'I know, I just... I just want you to know that.'

Cas smiled at him. Then a short silence fell.

'Dean, are you sure that you aren't tired of all my drama?' Cas then asked. 'I can't imagine listening me talking about my stupid problems is a fun time for you.' He said. 

‘Cas, really, it’s okay.’ Dean said smiling, even though it pained him a little bit that Cas needed so much reassurance whether it was okay to talk to him. From that, Dean could only conclude that his future-self was probably not the greatest listener. 

‘Yeah?’ Cas asked. 

‘Yeah, I mean... That’s what friends do, right?' Dean said, shrugging. 'Listening to each other’s shit.’ 

Cas then smiled too. ‘You’d call us friends?’ He asked.

Dean frowned. ‘Uh we are, right?’ He then asked in turn. 

‘Dean, we’ve done things most friends don’t do.’ Cas said with a little smirk on his face. 

‘Right…’ Dean responded as he felt heat rise to his cheeks. 

Cas chuckled and Dean couldn’t help but love seeing him do so. He looked so much better when he smiled. 

Dean shook his head. ‘It’s going to be so fucking strange when I get back. Like... how will I ever explain that?’

‘Maybe it’ll be better if you just don’t.’ Cas said, still smiling at him. 

‘Probably, yeah…’ Dean said, but then his smile faded. 

He hated it, but in that moment he couldn’t help but think about what his future-self had said to him only two days ago. 

_But now, you find yourself here, and Cas… well, he isn’t so much of a holy servant of the Lord anymore, is he? Seems to me it’s the perfect chance for you to explore everything you were afraid to explore in your own time, because after all, you will get back to you own time anyways, so it’s not like anyone ever has to find out about what you’ve done here._

The words kept playing in his head, despite Dean not wanting to hear them or wanting to think about them. He hated the fact that he couldn’t get them out of his mind. 

‘Dean, are you okay?’ Cas asked, interrupting his thoughts. 

‘Yeah, it’s nothing.’ He reassured.

‘Okay…’ Cas said, yet he didn't look convinced. He then yawned. ‘Anyway, I know it’s early, but I think I’ll get some rest. I... didn’t get a lot of it last night.’

‘Yeah, I figured. You look like shit.’ Dean responded.

‘That’s nice, thank you.’ Cas chuckled. Then his expression turned more genuine. ‘But, I’m glad that we’re okay again.’ He said as he stood up from his chair. 

‘Me too.’ 

‘But uh… you’re welcome to drop by anytime. If you want.’ He said with a smile before he walked out of the door. 

Dean couldn’t help but smile too. It really felt like a weight had been lifted from him shoulders.

 

 

 

An hour later, Dean heard a knock. He looked up, expecting to see Cas again for some reason. Instead, he found himself disappointed. It wasn't Cas. 

Instead, it was his future-self who he found standing at the door opening.

‘Hey.’ He said coldly as he walked inside. 

‘What are you doing here?’ Dean asked, not even bothering to greet back. 

His future-self sighed as he sat down where Cas had just sat an hour ago. ‘Can you drop the attitude? I’m here to talk to you about the mission.’

‘You are?’ Dean asked sceptically.

‘Yes. I’ve thought about it and... maybe we will come up with a plan sooner if we work together on it. I mean, I don’t like you, but we are the same… We think the same. And you’re here, so… I though I'd might as well get some use out of you.

Dean huffed. ‘Right…’

‘Well… Are you in or not?’ His future self said irritably. 

‘Yeah, fine. I’m just thinking about what happened to: ‘’I’m sure I’ll figure something out’’ and ‘’I’d rather think by myself’’. 

His future counterpart rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, fuck off. You told me I could come to you if it was about the mission and you offered to help me with a plan, and now that I am doing that, you’re giving me shit for it?’

Dean rolled his eyes. Better to just let it go, he thought. ‘Okay. I’ll help. What you got?’ He then asked, nodding to the stack of papers his future-self had brought with him. 

His future-self had brought with him some maps of the city and the building, and some strategies he'd written down and had worked on so far.

Together, they went through everything and discussed possible options. 

They stayed talking things over like that for a couple of hours. Yet, in the end, they didn’t really end up getting anywhere because the building Lucifer was in seemed almost to be impenetrable. It was going to take a lot of thinking and planning before they would finally come up with a way to breach it. Still, Dean mused that them brainstorming together had to turn out to be effective eventually. If they would keep it up, they sure had to come up with something. Or at least, he hoped they would.

All in all, spending time with his future-self wasn’t as bad as he had expected it to be. There had been no arguments. They also both acted normally and discussing the plan and strategies went very smoothly. Funnily enough, they agreed with each other on almost everything.

Also, it wasn't as if Dean had needed them to be best friends or anything, yet, the constant animosity between them was getting a little old. So, Dean was pleased that they had managed to keep things civil. Though, the fact that neither one of them had mentioned Cas probably played a big part in that. Dean was actually grateful that his future-self hadn’t mentioned him either since their last conversation that involved Cas really wasn’t one he liked to repeat.

His future-self left when it became dark outside. Before he'd gone, they both had agreed to keep thinking about the plan and then agreed to discuss things further soon.

Dean waited a few minutes before he left the cabin as well. 

When he had finally reached Cas's cabin and walked inside, he met a dark room. The only light came from a candle which lay on Cas’s nightstand. 

Dean walked over to the bed and suddenly felt uncertain. Cas had invited him to come, but Dean hadn’t expected him to be asleep. 

He wondered what he should do. 

For a minute, Dean just stood by the bed thinking about it. Yet eventually, he decided to just to lie down next to Cas.

He took off his jeans and lied down. However, when he did, Dean mentally cursed himself when the bed creaked loudly under him.

He looked to his left and saw Cas stir. ‘Dean?’ He asked softly in a raspy voice. 

Dean smiled. ‘Yeah uh… it’s me. Just go back to sleep.’

‘I’m glad you’re here.’ Cas then whispered as he wrapped one of his arms over his chest and moved close. 

‘Me too.’ Dean said a moment later, even though he was sure that Cas had fallen asleep again and didn’t hear him. 

Still, he meant it. 

He still didn’t appreciate the fact that he was trapped in the future, the fact that he was with Cas sure made his current situation a lot easier to accept. 

Hesitantly, Dean wrapped his arm around Cas and after that he only listened to the ex-angel’s steady breathing before falling asleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Such a late update I know. I had writersblock and university started again so I have reasons? Haha anyway, thanks for reading!
> 
> Ps I know the chapter is a bit boring, yet the thing is I planned a sex scene but it didn't feel right for some reason. But there probably will be one next chapter if that's what you're looking for ;)


	9. You're mine and always will be.

It had been nine days. 

Nine days he’d spent in the future. 

Dean remembered how initially, all he could think about was going back to his own time. He remembered feeling the constant need to want to return. Now though, he didn’t feel that so much anymore. He still wanted to go back to his own time and knew that he needed to, however, that need had lessened considerably over the last couple of days. 

Slowly but surely, he had started to get used to everything. 

Of course, things were still strange to him, because how could they not? He could never have guessed that his future would look like this. 

Or that he would be waking up in Cas’s bed.

Now, they were on the porch eating some sandwiches Cas had gotten. They didn’t taste great, but Dean was aware that he probably couldn’t expect much of food in general during an apocalypse. Besides, he was with Cas again, so he guessed that he couldn’t complain. 

Already, his day was so much better compared to his previous one. 

Thinking about that, Dean made a mental note not to screw things up again with Cas.

The last thing he wanted was to lose him again.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Cas asked suddenly, interrupting his thoughts.

‘What?’

Cas smiled. ‘You’ve been zoning out on me.’

‘Oh. Uh… I was just thinking about yesterday. And... of how much it sucked.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Cas concurred. 

‘Yeah, even though it was awesome to get to spend some quality time with future me, this is still much better.’ Dean said, but regretted having done so immediately. They had been sitting talking on the porch for a while and neither of them had brought up his future-self. And it had been great. Just light-hearted conversation and no difficult topics. 

Why did he have to screw that up? 

Cas’s smiling face turned into a frowning one. ‘Wait… You spent time with Dean?’ He asked, looking slightly confused. 

‘Uh... yeah, he came to me. He wanted to discuss the mission together.’ Dean explained. 

‘Oh.’ Was all Cas said in turn.

Dean didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure what to make of Cas’s reaction. _Was he upset?_ Dean wondered if it was possible that Cas didn’t like the fact that they had been working together. ‘Uhm… Is that a problem?’ He therefore asked hesitantly. 

‘No. No, of course not… I’m just surprised.’ 

Dean smiled, relieved that Cas didn’t mind. ‘Yeah, so was I.’ He said. 

‘But uh, it went well?’ Cas then asked. 

Dean shrugged. ‘Yeah, a lot better than expected actually. We discussed strategies and though we haven’t really come up with anything just yet, we haven’t ripped each other’s throats off. So I count that as a win.’ He joked and Cas smiled. 

‘That’s great.’ Cas said. 

‘You think so?’

‘Yes. Dean, it’s good that you two are getting along. You really have been at each other’s throats, so I’m glad you’re cooperating now.’ The smile disappeared again. ‘To be honest, I’ve been feeling kind of responsible.’

‘For?’ Dean questioned. 

‘You two can’t stand each other and that’s largely because of me. I never wanted that.’

‘Cas, it’s n-’ Dean started but stopped. He wanted to say that it wasn’t because of him that they couldn’t stand each other. But saying that would be a lie. ‘I know you didn’t.’ He eventually said instead and placed his hand upon Cas’s. 

Dean usually wasn’t the person for affectionate gestures, but somehow, it was so much easier with Cas. 

Still, when he saw some people walking by looking at them, he drew his hand back again. ‘There really is no privacy here, is there?’ He then asked Cas. 

‘What makes you say that?’ Cas asked jokingly in response. 

‘Oh I don’t know. Maybe it’s the dozens of disapproving glances that have been thrown our way in only the last few hours.’

Cas sighed. ‘Well, we have been sitting outside and people look... They’re probably wondering which Dean you are. They’re probably not even sure.’ 

‘Right…’ Dean said dejectedly. 

This was exactly what he was afraid of. He had only mentioned his future-self once, but it appeared that that was enough for the mood to change. Mentioning him had been a mistake. However, somehow he and Cas were never able to avoid him in their conversations. 

‘Dean, last night- I was as well.’

Dean frowned. ‘You were what?’ He asked, having no idea what Cas was saying. 

‘Not sure which Dean you were.’ He explained quietly.

Dean frowned. 'When I came to you?'

Cas nodded. ‘It was late and dark, and I was tired and then you came. And I found that I didn’t even really care which one of you it was.’ He elaborated tentatively while looking away. ‘Is that terrible?’ He then asked as he looked at him again. 

Dean didn’t really know how to feel about Cas’s confession. He wasnt sure if he should be upset by it or not. ‘No, Cas it’s not.’ He said regardless. ‘Look, I understand, you were tired. Don’t worry about it.’ He appeased, but found that he didn’t completely mean his words. 

While part of him appreciated the fact that Cas was being honest with him, another part wished he hadn’t said anything. 

Cas only nodded and a short silence followed. 

‘Hey, I think I'm going for a walk... Wanna come with?’ Dean asked eventually, breaking the silence. 

‘No, you go.’ Cas said shaking his head and Dean found that he was actually a little glad to get some time alone. 

‘Okay... Later.’ He said. 

 

 

 

Dean returned later than planned. He had been wandering the camp’s grounds listlessly until he came across Chuck. Aside from the short conversation he had had with him his first day in the camp, Dean hadn’t really talked to him again. However, today Dean found that spending time with Chuck wasn’t so bad. Dean didn’t really see him as a friend, he still liked the guy. So, for a while they talked and also ended up eating dinner together.

It was until it started to become dark out that Dean decided to get back to Cas’s cabin.

When Dean returned, Cas was reading a book. Cas closed it when he noticed him coming in.

They greeted and Dean took a seat next to him on the couch. There they talked for a while, but the conversations they had somehow felt forced and it felt like they were both trying too hard to avoid certain topics. 

Dean hated that it was like that. He hated that even though his future-self wasn’t in the room, he was still so there. 

Ultimately, it was Cas who stopped circling around it all. During another somewhat awkward silence, he spoke up. ‘Dean, do we need to talk about what I told you earlier?’ He asked.

Dean didn’t want to. But he knew that continuing to keep circling around it wasn’t going to help either. ‘No, we don’t need to. But maybe we should.’ He said and Cas nodded. 

‘Look, I’m not mad or anything.’

‘Still... I felt bad about it ever since I woke up.’ Cas said shaking his head. 

‘You shouldn’t Cas, we’re the same person, it’s n-’ Dean tried to soothe, but Cas interrupted him.

‘You are, but still…’ He said and sighed. ‘To be honest it hasn’t only been last night when I’ve been confused about it.’ He said and probably upon seeing his questioning look, Cas continued. ‘I’ve been feeling conflicted.’ He confessed. ‘The thing is that I love spending time with you, Dean. You’re there for me and I’m just so glad you’re here. However, when we're together... there is always this nagging feeling in me that tells me that I’m not being loyal. To him.’

Dean didn’t know what to say to that so he just said nothing and Cas continued again. ‘And reversely, when I do choose him, it... doesn’t feel right either.’

‘Yeah, cause he’s an ass.’ Dean scoffed. 

Cas smiled a half-smile. ‘That doesn’t mean I don’t still love him.’ He confessed. 

Dean was lost for words. Admittedly, he was well aware of the fact that Cas loved him. Still, hearing him say it was another thing.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.’

Dean forced himself to regain himself and smiled. ‘That’s okay. I told you that you could talk to me after all.’

Cas then smiled as well. ‘Thanks for being so cool about this.’

‘Yeah, of course.’

‘I had a similar kind of conversation about this with the other you. That one didn’t go so well.’

‘It didn't?’ Dean asked curiously.

‘He was being all derisive, said it was all my own fault since I have been going so much from one to the other.’ Then he huffed. ‘He even asked me if you fucked me the same.’

It was only a few seconds later that Dean realised his mouth was agape. He knew that is future-self was an ass, but this was something else.

‘I know it’s hard, but you shouldn’t listen to anything he says. He's a dick. You shouldn’t let those words get to you, man.’

Cas nodded. ‘I know. It’s just hard not to let them sometimes…’ 

‘I know what you mean.’ Dean said as he smiled bitterly.

‘You do?’ Cas asked.

‘Yeah, I had a talk with him as well. And uh… the guy can make a pretty convincing case.’ He explained.

‘What did he say to you?’

Dean sighed, not sure how much of the conversation he wanted to share with Cas. 

‘Well, he really laid it on me… But uh, it came down to the fact that according to him, I’m only using you to explore those feelings I’m unable to explore in my own time and that basically, I’m a closet case that now has the perfect opportunity to find out what I’m feeling for you without nobody ever having to find out about it, since I’ll get back to my own time eventually. And... I know it’s not like that, but sometimes I’m also having trouble not thinking about what he said.’

‘Right… We really need to stop listening to his bullshit.’ Cas responded.

‘Definitely.' Dean paused. 'You know, his words really messed me up. Like the whole situation wasn’t complicated enough.’ He said.

‘What’s complicated?’

‘I don’t know. Everything...’ Dean answered. ‘Cas, I have no clue what I’m doing here. This with you… it’s- I like it, but it’s also just so new and confusing… And I’m so terrible with feelings…’

Cas smiled. ‘I think you’re doing okay.’

‘I try.’ Dean said, now smiling too. 

A short silence followed which Cas broke eventually. ‘But do you?’ He asked all of a sudden.

‘Sorry, do I what?’

‘Want to explore those feelings you’re unable to explore in your own time.’ Cas elaborated.

‘Uh…’ Dean took a moment before answering. ‘I-I do. Though, I can’t help but think it’s a bad idea sometimes.’

‘Well… it’s been good so far, right?’ Cas said and Dean couldn’t deny that, because so far, it really had been good between them. And sure, there had been hiccups like their fight or those times Cas went back to his other self, but when they were together everything just felt right.

And Dean couldn’t deny it was something he wanted to explore further.

‘It has.’ Dean therefore admitted.

Cas smiled at him as he suddenly stood up. Then he stood in front of him extending his hand to him.

Dean smiled nervously. ‘What are you doing?’ He asked.

Cas said nothing. Only motioned for Dean to take his hand. And so, Dean did and Cas pulled him up and led him to the bed. 

They were standing beside it, face to face when Cas finally spoke again. ‘Now, kiss me Dean.’ He ordered. 

Dean felt nervous, but also excited. It wouldn’t be the first time that he would be kissing Cas, however, it felt different in the sense that those other times it was just kissing they did and that now, it felt like kissing wouldn’t be all they would be doing. 

Dean stepped a little closer and cupped Cas’s cheek with his right hand. Cas closed his eyes and leaned into his touch. ‘Dean.’ He whispered.

‘Cas, I want you.’ Was all Dean said before he finally closed the distance between them. 

A minute later, Cas lied under him as Dean kissed him languidly, fervently darting his tongue into Cas’s mouth- pressing against his tongue as he had one hand in Cas’s hair to angle his head gently to deepen the kiss. With his other hand, Dean lazily trailed strokes against Cas’s side and back. 

It truly felt amazing to be kissing Cas and Dean mused that he probably could never tire of it. Out of nothing though, words rang through his head. 

_You’re just using each other._

Dean backed away momentarily, but regained himself seconds later. He forced himself to push the words away. He wouldn’t allow them to ruin anything.

So, Dean continued and ducked his head towards Cas, catching his lips again in a long and deep kiss, moving his lips and tongue slowly. They remained like that for a few more minutes until Cas reversed their positions and it was Cas straddling him. Lying on top of him, Cas kissed him hungrily and more heatedly than before, and suddenly Dean could feel Cas’s hands moving to his belt. 

Dean figured he probably shouldn’t have been surprised by Cas’s assertive behaviour in bed, but he was. And then, he heard the voice again.

_Cas was Castiel, Angel of the Lord… No way that was ever going anywhere anyhow... But now, you find yourself here, and Cas… well, he isn’t so much of a holy servant of the Lord anymore, is he?_

Again, Dean forced himself to push the voice aside. Still, he hated the fact that he seemed unable to keep it away. 

Dean then forced himself to focus on Cas and he intentionally kissed him even more passionately than before, and to his satisfaction, Dean found that it worked; between all the groping hands and spirited kisses, he was feeling more and more aroused. 

Then all of a sudden, their lips disconnected and Cas drew away. Their faces were still close when Cas spoke. ‘How do you like exploring so far?’ He asked as he panted a little. 

_Seems to me it’s the perfect chance for you to explore everything you were afraid to explore in your own time._

‘It's great, Cas.’ Dean replied, ignoring the voice once more.

Cas then closed the distance between them again and went from kissing his mouth to trailing kisses along his neck and jaw and it felt so good. 

Then, Cas’s hands wandered lower again and suddenly, Cas was feeling him up through the fabric of his boxers. Dean felt himself start to harden, but he felt conflicted as he heard his own voice again. 

_It’s not like anyone ever has to find out about what you’ve done here._

‘Wait, Cas stop.’ Dean suddenly could hear himself say. 

Cas stopped immediately. ‘Dean what’s wrong?’ He asked.

Gently, Dean pushed Cas off of him. 

He hated that he was doing this. 

Dean sat up and buckled his belt again and Cas only looked at him.

Dean shook his head. ‘I’m sorry Cas. But I can’t do this.’ He said unable to look Cas in the eye.

‘I uh… I thought things were going well.’ Cas said and Dean could hear the confusion in his voice. 

‘I- no… I uh, I don’t want- I don’t want this.’ He said as he got up from the bed.

‘Dean wait.’ Cas said in what Dean knew was an attempt to stop him from leaving. 

‘No, Cas. I can’t- I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.’ Was all he said before he left. 

 

 

 

‘For fucks sake, Cas. Really?’ Dean asked derisively as he entered Cas’s cabin, smelling the distinct and pungent smell of marihuana. 

‘What?’ Cas snarled back at him. 

Dean shrugged and took a moment to look at Cas. He was slumped on the couch with a joint in his hand.

‘I don’t know what I expected… but,-’

‘Oh, fuck off Dean.’

‘Excuse me?’ Dean asked, a little offended. He was used to Cas cursing- he did it all the time-, but usually it never was directed towards him. 

‘I’m so sick and tired of you judging me.’ He said sounding exasperated. 

‘Can you blame me?’ Dean asked in response. 

Cas huffed and then laughed. ‘Like you’re so perfect.’

‘I never said I w-’

‘Whatever Dean, get the fuck out my cabin.’

‘Oh I’m sorry, am I interrupting anything? Is my replacement coming back at any moment?’ He asked with mocked concern. However, he had to admit that he really was curious about where his past version had gone. It was the middle of the night and Dean had figured him to be here.

‘No, he’s not…’ Cas said and Dean could hear from his voice that Cas was upset by it. Dean wondered what had happened. ‘It’s just that I’m sick of your face.’

‘Ah… why is that?’

‘Are you joking?’ Cas asked in response and stood up so they were face to face. ‘Dean, we spend this night together, and for a while I’m actually stupid enough to believe that we could be there for each other. But no…’ He said through gritted teeth. 

‘Wait, you’re still mad about that?’ This is about the other night, when we fought?’

‘Yes!’ Cas exclaimed as though it was obvious. 

‘Oh come on. I said some drunken shit I shouldn’t have said. How much longer are you gonna hold that against me?’ He asked as if Cas was being totally unreasonable. 

‘You hurt me Dean.’

Dean huffed at that. ‘Cas, don’t be such a little bitch.’ He said, because why did Cas feel the need to make such a big deal out of nothing? Yes, they had fought, but it wasn’t their first time and it certainly wouldn’t be their last. And though Dean had to admit that he didn’t completely remember everything he had said to him, he still was of the opinion that Cas should just get over it. He could be such a dramatic bitch sometimes.

'I mean Jesus, what the hell did you want from me in the first place? I know we were all disappointed that the mission turned out to be a fucking failure, but if you wanted a shoulder to cry on, you were knocking on the wrong fucking door.'

Cas looked away from him. 'I certainly won't make that mistake again.' He said through gritted teeth.

Dean actually found that funny. 'Do you honestly believe that?' He asked and inched closer to where Cas was standing. 'As if you could stay away from me.' 

Cas shoved him away. ‘I was doing a pretty good job of it until you showed up here. Dean, what the fuck do you even want from me?’

Dean responded by kissing him forcefully. Only to his disappointment, Cas’s reaction was pretty non-existent and before he knew it, one of Cas's hands was suddenly on his chest pushing him away again. 

Cas stepped back the small distance that he was able and easily removed himself from his grasp. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ He asked.

He loved the shocked and confused look on Cas’s face. ‘Kissing you.’ He said as he smiled seductively. 

‘Since-since when do you even want that?’

‘Since always.’

‘Oh right…’ Cas responded sarcastically. 

‘Come on, Cas. Let me. It’s what you want right?’

‘It isn’t what you wanted, but now it suddenly is? What the fuck, Dean? Do you get off on toying with me or something?’

_He did._

‘Of course not.’ He said, trying to sound offended. 

Cas shook his head, but said nothing further. He only took another drag from the joint. 

‘So, where is my replacement anyways? I’m surprised not to find him here.’

‘Don’t call him your replacement.’ Cas said through gritted teeth. 

Dean shrugged. ‘What, isn’t that what he is? Someone to keep you warm at night because I don’t feel like doing that?’

Cas huffed but he looked hurt. He gestured towards his bed. ‘Well, do you see him fucking keeping me warm?’ He exclaimed then.

‘What happened?’ Dean asked. He was curious. 

‘Nothing.’ Cas said as he went to sit on his bed. There, he took another draw. 

‘It doesn’t look like nothing.’ Dean stated. 

‘What do you care?’

‘Just curious.’ 

‘Well, it’s none of your business.’

‘Just tell me.’ Dean ordered. 

‘You’re not going to take no for an answer, are you?’ Cas asked defeatedly.

‘Nope.’ He said with a smile as he took a seat on the bed in front of Cas. 

Cas laughed bitterly before he spoke. ‘Fine. For the first time, we tried doing something more and he- it didn’t exactly work out.’

‘He chickened out?’

‘That’s one way to put it.’

Dean couldn’t help but laugh as he took the joint from Cas’s hand. ‘Well, he’s me from oh-nine. It was to be expected.’ He said and took a draw. 

‘Maybe…’

‘Well then, lucky for you I’m here now.’ He said with a grin.

Cas took the joint back from him. ‘That’s not gonna happen. You’re a fucking prick Dean.’ He snarled before he took another drag from the joint. 

Dean smirked as he spoke. 'Come on, Cas. I can be your righteous man.' He then sighed when he didn't get any response. 'We both know you want me.'

That only earned him a glare from Cas. 'What I want is for you to fucking leave.' He snarled. 

‘Oh please, can’t you just forget about that fight? I was drunk!’

‘No, Dean! I'm not fucking forgetting about it. And it isn't even about that stupid fight, you lied to me. You manipulated me, so you'd get what you want. Like you always do and I'm done.’

Dean huffed. ‘I know what this is. He’s been fucking bad-mouthing me towards you, that little shit. You really have been listening to much to him.’

Cas smiled. ‘I think I’ve been listening to much to you.’

Dean took the joint from Cas again and inhaled. ‘There’s no such thing as that.’ He said smirking. 

Cas rolled his eyes. ‘You’re despicable.’ 

Dean was still smiling. ‘Sticks and stones, Cas. You can insult me all you want, but I know you’ll never say no to me.’

Cas looked away and Dean just knew that he was right. Cas couldn’t deny it.

‘Do you need to be so smug about it?’ Cas then said softly.

‘Probably not. But I can’t deny it’s good to know that you still understand that you’re mine and always will be. And that no one is ever going to change that, not even a me from another time.’ He said with a little resentment in his voice as he thought about his past-self. ‘I don’t want you to ever forget that Cas.’

Dean loved the fact Cas only nodded.

Dean threw the joint on the floor but Cas said nothing about it. ‘But don’t worry, I’ll always be there to remind you.’ He said before he moved in to kiss Cas again, satisfied smirk still on his lips. However, this time, he did get a response out of Cas, who kissed him back hesitantly.

Then and there, Dean decided that this time wasn’t gonna be like their last. This time, there wasn’t going to be kissing or cuddling or staying the night. That all had been a mistake. He still didn’t understand what had gotten into him then, why he'd gotten so soft, but he certainly wasn’t going to make that mistake twice. 

He wasn’t here to make love to Cas, he was here to fuck him. And that was exactly what he was going to do. 

He kneeled between Cas’s legs and with his hands on Cas’s knees he spread him open. Then he prepped him quickly and when he finally thrusted into Cas, he set a fast pace. Dean was fast and rough and not gentle at all, because he didn't care. And Cas just let him. Cas just let him do whatever he wanted, going along with everything he did. 

_It was good that he knew his place._

Though the rough fucking was probably a little painful, in the end Dean had no problem getting Cas all hot and desperate for it in the way he always was. 

Dean sucked on Cas’s neck and was sure that it would leave marks. At least, he hoped it would. He just couldn’t wait for his past version to see it. To see Cas covered in bruises that he gave him. To see Cas covered with his marks. The thought only added to his excitement. 

Dean came first but Cas followed not long after as Dean stroked him. When they were done, Dean rolled off of him. He immediately went to tuck himself back into his pants and readjusted his clothes. He sat on the edge of the bed with his back towards Cas, who was probably still lying down. Dean could hear his heavy breathing as he put his shoes back on.

When he stood up, Dean turned around to look at Cas, who lied completely fucked out on the mattress. He looked thoroughly used. Despite that, Cas still looked back at him.

Dean grinned. ‘Past me really is an idiot... I mean, what kind of person would ever pass up an opportunity to fuck you?’

Cas looked insulted by the comment. ‘I hate you.’ He said. 

‘Oh, Cas. We both know you don’t.’ He said still grinning. 

For a moment, it looked like Cas was going to say something back, but in the end, he said nothing and just looked away.

And Dean left.


	10. You don't know the half of it.

He just couldn’t concentrate. 

Dean was at headquarters, seated at the table opposite of his future-self. For a few hours, they had been discussing plans and strategies again. _Over and over again._ However, to his annoyance, they weren't able to come up with anything good at all. Though they both had been trying, no real progress was made.

Admittedly, on his part, the focus wasn’t really all there. He had tried, he really had, but he just couldn’t keep his attention to the startegies. He just kept thinking about Cas...

He really felt like crap about what had happened the night before. Again, he had managed to screw everything up. To screw up the one good thing he had around here. 

Earlier, he'd gone to Cas’s cabin to apologise. However, Cas didn’t want to see him or hear what he had to say. Dean could understand that, but it still sucked, because he really wanted to explain and make things right between them.

Yet instead, he was at headquarters with his future-self. Of course, Dean was aware of how important it was to come up with a good plan, and it probably should be his priority. Yet that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to be somewhere else.

He had actually waited on the steps of Cas’s cabin after he’d been turned away and had intended to wait there for as long as he had to until Cas was ready to talk. Only when his future-self had walked by and asked him to come with him, Dean had left. It didn’t look like Cas was going to let him in anytime soon anyways. 

‘Dude, what the hell is up with you?’ His future-self suddenly asked, bringing him back to reality. 

‘What?’

‘You’re only listening to half the things I’m saying.’ He said as a matter-of-factly. ‘What's going on?’

‘Nothing. I’m listening.’ 

His future-self snorted. ‘Yeah right…’ He then sighed. ‘Whatever man, let’s just call it a night, you’re no use to me like this.’ He said while standing up and stacking all the notes and pages together.

Dean was fine with that. It was probably for the best. He had started to feel tired as well.

‘Just do me a favour and fix things with Cas so that we can actually make some progress the next time we meet.’

Dean was surprised. He wondered how his future-self could know that Cas was the reason for his lack of focus. They hadn't even talked about him. ‘Cas? What does he have to do with anything?’ He asked. 

‘He's the reason you're all distracted, right?’

Dean frowned. 'How the hell do you know that?’ He asked.

'Since it’s fucking obvious.’ His future-self said.

Dean didn’t respond, he only at his future-self. _Had it been so obvious?_

‘And... because he told me.’ His future-self then added and grinned at him. 

Dean’s head snapped up in attention. ‘He... told you?’ He asked confusedly. ‘When was that?’ 

‘Oh. Last night.’ His future-self replied simply. 

Dean frowned. 'Last night?'

His future-self smiled. 'Yes. Cas and I talked. It isn't big deal.'

Yet, to Dean, it was. That just couldn't be good. 

Dean inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm himself. Maybe he was worrying about nothing. ‘Whatever, I don’t care. Can you just leave so that I can go to sleep? It's late.’

‘Ah right... You don’t care.’ His future-self said. He couldn't sound more unconvinced.

'Nope.'

‘So… does that also mean that you don’t care about the fact that Cas and I spent some real nice quality time together after we talked?’

_Fuck._

In that moment, Dean really hated his future-self, but he hated what he was implying even more. It was so clear that he was trying to get a rise out of him. 

Dean felt a little sick. ‘You’re kidding me.’ He said through gritted teeth. 

‘Afraid not.’ His future-self replied and when Dean didn’t say anything back, he continued. ‘Why the face Dean? If anything, I think you should be grateful that I was there for him. After you left him and all. Way to hurt the guy’s feelings by the way, haven’t you noticed he’s got abandonment issues?’

Dean definitely felt sick now; he was well aware of the fact that he’d screwed things up the other night, only now he realised how badly he had.

'I should be grateful?' Dean said through gritted teeth.

'Yes, I think so. I mean, he was pretty upset. I don't know what you did exactly, but it sure fucked him up.'

That only made Dean even feel more guilty.

'But... luckily, I was there for him.'

He hadn’t just left Cas. He had left him alone and completely vulnerable to his future-self. 

Frustration bottled up inside him and he suddenly felt angry towards himself. But moreover, he felt angry towards the self-satisfied looking dick standing in front of him and Dean really wanted him to leave. ‘Can you please get the fuck out? You’re really starting to piss me off.’

‘Oh, I am?’ His future-self asked innocently.

‘Yes! Because you’re fucking gloating, you asshole.’ Dean snarled. ‘I hurt him and you're being happy about it? What the fuck is wrong with you?’ 

His future-self shrugged. ‘I wouldn’t say it makes me happy.’

Dean shook his head. ‘I can’t believe you. You came to him when he was low and you fucking used him.’ Dean accused. ‘He’s supposed to be your friend; couldn’t you just be there for him?’

In response, his future self only laughed. 

‘What!?’ 

‘Nothing, I just think it’s funny how you’re acting all knight in shining armour right now, considering you were the one that got him so low in the first place.’ His future-self accused, but it was weird; his whole attitude suddenly had changed. He went from smug and provoking to angry and accusatory. 

‘I didn’t mean-’ He attempted to argue. 

‘Who cares what you fucking meant.’ His future-self snapped, interrupting him mid-sentence. ‘You weren’t supposed to hurt him.’ He exclaimed. 

Dean looked at himself and somehow, his future-self seemed taken aback by his own words. Dean was also surprised by them, but it wasn’t just the words, it was the tone of his voice as well; he sounded mad on Cas's behalf and almost sounded protective. 

If Dean didn’t know any better, he would almost think that his future-self was angry with him because he’d hurt Cas. 

Still, he hadn't signed up for a lecture by his future-self. Because honestly, he was probably the last guy on the planet who had the right about saying anything about hurting Cas.

'I fucking made a mistake, alright? I know that, and believe me, I don't feel good about it.'

'Pff, I'm sure.'

'Look, not that I owe you an explanation or whatever, but I never wanted to hurt him. His whole situation is already bad enough, I didn't mean to make it worse.' He paused. 'I was trying to be a friend, trying to be... what he needed.' He said.

His future-self snorted. 'Well... You're really doing a great job.' He then said sarcastically.

'Oh, shut up. You don't even understand.' 

'Understand what?'

'Just... how fucking confusing this whole situation is!' Dean answered.

'Seriously? The situation is confusing for you? Nice excuse.' His future-self said.

'It's the truth.'

'Yeah, whatever. If you ask me, this has only shown that we are more alike than the both of you thought.' 

‘What the fuck are you talking about? We’re nothing alike.’

‘Still sticking with that, huh? That is what you really think?’ 

‘Yes.’

‘Then you’re wrong. We’re more the same than you know.’

‘We’re not.’ Dean denied again. ‘We might technically be the same person, but I wouldn’t do the things I’ve seen you do. And I especially wouldn’t treat Cas the way you are.' 

His future-self laughed. 'Are you sure about that? Because to me, it doesn't look like we're treating him all that differently. I mean... what you did to him last night...'

Shit. Did he know about what happened between him and Cas?

'Wait, you said you didn't know what happened.'

'Um, I said I didn't know what happened _exactly_. But I did get the picture.'

'Cas told you?'

His future-self smiled. 'Jup. Cas and I- we tell each other everything.' He taunted. 'We're close like that.'

Dean was fuming.

He also couldn't help but wonder why the hell Cas would tell his future-self about what happened. It wasn't that he was mad, but Dean just wished he hadn't.

'So... what happened? Did you get cold feet?' His future-self then asked, pissing Dean off even further.

'Okay, fuck off. I'm not discussing this with you.' Dean said. 'The only person I want to talk to about this is Cas.'

'Oh sure. To clear things up, I bet.' 

'Yes.'

'Well, good luck with that. 'Cause he seemed pretty upset with you last night. I think he may have finally realised that you and me are the same in a lot ways. Even though you don't like to think so.' His future-self said.

'Stop saying that.'

'Why? I mean, think about it. It's abundantly clear that you want to fuck him. You want to use him, just like I do. But yesterday, you also left him, also exactly like I always do. So, how is that not the same?'

'It's not.' Dean denied.

'Well... I think it is.' His future-self said, smiling. 'I mean, you can act as though you're so much better than me, but when it comes down to it, we're the same person, you and I.'

Dean could only shake his head. He didn't know what to say.

His future-self, who looked like he was thoroughly enjoying the conversation, then continued. 'I'm sure you're already regretting it, huh? That you didn't just go for it when you had the chance? It's a shame, really; I'm sure you would've enjoyed him-'

It came out of nowhere, but Dean's face had suddenly collided with his future-self's left jaw.

Dean had hit him and honestly, it felt good to finally hit that asshole in his smug face even though his future-self didn't seem all that affected by the blow he'd received; he was still smiling as he rubbed his jaw.

'Shut the fuck up.' He snarled. Then, Dean shook his head. 'You don't fucking talk about him like that.' He huffed. 'He's your friend, where the hell is your conscience?’

His future-self laughed bitterly. ‘You think I don’t have one.’ He stated. 

‘Doesn’t seem like it.’

The smile disappeared from his face again. ‘Well, believe me, I fucking have one. It’s not my fault you can’t understand. Do you think I fucking wanted things to be this way?’ His future-self said. 

Dean huffed. ‘Probably not.’

‘No. I never wanted any of this to happen. But... I can hardly go back in time and change things so, it is what it is.'

'Maybe you can't go back in time, but what you can do is try to act a little more fucking decent to people. Especially the ones that you care about.'

His future-self snorted. 'Yeah, thanks for the input. But, I wasn't really waiting for any life lessons from you.'

'I'm just saying...'

'I’m fucking trying my best.’ His future-self then exclaimed. 

'Your best?' Dean asked sceptically.

'Yes.'

‘This is you doing your best?’

‘Yes.’

‘What about Cas then?’

‘What about him?’

‘Well, you’re trying to paint this picture that you’re a good guy who is trying to make the best of a shit situation, but how you are with Cas... It’s really fucking messed up.’

‘You don’t know the half of it.’ His future-self mumbled. It was barely hearable, so Dean chose to ignore it.

He looked expectantly at his future-self. 

‘What do you want me to say?’ His future-self exclaimed then. 

Dean shrugged. ‘I don’t know. To be honest, I don’t think that there’s anything to say.’

‘I guess not. Still, you can judge me all you want, but you have no fucking clue how difficult these past few years have been. It has been nothing but crap and defeat, but I try.’ He said with a kind of pained expression on his face. ‘And you’re right, maybe I should have tried harder with Cas and maybe I could be a lot more nicer to him, but...' He then stopped.

Dean frowned. 'But what?'

'Just after everything…' His future-self shook his head. 'Just imagine, first you lose Sam, this person that means the world to you. This person you've been trying to protect for as long as you can remember...' He then paused.

'And then, when you haven’t even recovered from that loss, Bobby gets killed.' He continued. 'Do you have any idea how hard that must have been? I’m sorry, but how was that ever not supposed to fuck me up?’ 

‘You’re right, I can’t imagine.' He replied.

It was hard to think about. The thought alone of losing Sam, and Bobby… Dean hoped he'd never have to go through that. He'd already lost so many people close to him in his life, and he honestly wasn’t sure how he would handle losses like that. 

‘I never wanted this for Cas.’ His future self then suddenly said, taking Dean aback a little. He certainly wasn't expecting him to say that. ‘I know he doesn’t deserve it.’ 

And as much as Dean wanted to hate the guy standing in front of him, Dean just couldn’t in that moment; he didn’t doubt for a second whether his future-self was being sincere or not. The expression on his face said enough. Dean could see so much pain, regret and that all too recognisable self-hatred. 

‘Yeah, he doesn’t.' Dean agreed. 'And... I know these past few years must have been difficult, but I just can’t understand how you can treat him the way you do.' 

His future-self shrugged. ‘What can I say, I don’t really understand it either.’ He said.

Dean only nodded in response to that, because he felt kind of done discussing Cas with his future-self. While Dean felt bad for him a little bit, he still felt that there was no talking sense to him. It was kind of fucked up actually, in Dean's opinion; his future-self fully realised how much of a dick he was but still he had no intention on ever changing that behaviour. He really was an asshole.

‘Right…'

His future-self seemed done as well. 'I'll uh, see you tomorrow?'

‘Sure.’ He replied and then finally, his future-self left.

 

 

 

It was almost midnight. Dean was tired and wanted to go to sleep. But despite that, he was heading towards Cas's cabin. He just had to try one last time. Maybe there was a chance Cas would let him in now, he thought.

He knocked. 'Cas. Can we talk? Please?'

Dean was surprised when he heard Cas say that he could come in. But he was glad.

‘Hey. Thanks for letting me in.’ He said.

Cas sat on the bed and looked over to him. He didn’t respond.

Dean sighed, unsure what to say or do. 

He walked over to the bed, but felt reluctant to sit down. He wasn’t sure if that would be okay. 

So, Dean remained standing next to it, and standing there, he couldn’t help but notice the orange bottle of pills on the nightstand and the empty bottle on the floor. 

‘Cas, um. Are you-are you okay?’ He finally asked tentatively.

He also tried his best to ignore the purple bruise-like marks on Cas’s neck.

‘Oh, I’m fine Dean.’ Cas said. 

He sounded anything but fine however.

Dean sighed. ‘Look, you have every right to be upset with me. I’ve been an idiot. I just... I wanted to say that I’m really sorry about the whole thing.’

‘You’re sorry?’ Cas repeated. 

‘Yes, I am. I really am, Cas.' Dean sighed and paused a second before continuing. 'You mean a lot to mean and... I meant it when I told you yesterday that I wanted you. I-I do want you. But the reason I didn’t go through with it was-’ Dean said, wanting to explain that none of it was Cas’s fault and that he was an idiot for letting that damn voice get to him. Only, Cas didn’t let him finish. 

‘Dean, I’m not upset about the fact that you didn’t fuck me, okay?’ Cas interrupted. ‘It is not about that. Contrary to popular belief, sex isn’t everything I care about.’

Dean shook his head. ‘Cas, I don’t think that.’ 

Cas briefly looked away from him. He sighed before he spoke again. ‘Dean, what I hate is that you left. I thought that that was the one thing wherein the two of you were different. He always leaves… and it hurts every time. And then-then you do it too. Maybe you're more the same then I thought.’

‘No, Cas, I- I’m sorry, I just didn’t think.’ Dean said and badly as he wanted to sit down next to Cas and comfort him, he chose to remain standing, hoping his words would be enough somehow. ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you. That-that is the last thing I want.’

To his relief, Cas nodded in understanding.

‘Look, I don’t want to make any excuses for last night, but I just… I kept hearing his voice in my head and I kept hearing him say that I was using you- that we were just using each other, and I freaked out, I started to doubt myself and what we were doing. But you’re right, I shouldn’t have left like that.’

Cas shrugged. ‘We could have talked about it.’ 

‘I know that. And you’re right, it’s what I should have done.’ Dean sighed. 'Everything was just getting a little too much, I guess. But, I'm sorry that I left. I won't do that again.

That made Cas smile for a second. 'Okay.' He said.

Dean smiled too, feeling relieved. He sat down next to Cas.

‘Look, I really didn't realise me leaving you would affect you like this. I-'

‘I know. It's pathetic, right?’ Cas interjected.

‘What?’

‘It's pathetic. The way I react every time he or... you leave me. I always feel so hurt and upset and it's just... so incredibly stupid.’

‘Cas-’

‘I'm just so fucking desperate for your affection and approval and... your love... and when I don't get it from you it just kills me.’ Cas buried his face in his hands. 'Things used to be so much easier when I felt basically nothing.

Dean thought for a moment about what to say. ‘Cas, it's not pathetic. That's just what being human is. We all want to be loved and... it's not stupid that you feel hurt or disappointed when you get rejected by someone you care a lot about. That's normal. Trust me.’

Cas then looked at him and nodded. 'Yeah, maybe... You'd know better than me I guess. After all, I'm still getting used to being human.' He smiled. 'Four years might seem like a long time to you, but for someone who is as old as me, four years is nothing.' He said. 

Dean smiled. ‘Sometimes I forget you're like... millions of years old.' He said.

Cas smiled back and looked him in the eyes. ‘Dean, let's just forget about everything that happened yesterday.' He then said after a moment. 'Okay?’

‘Yeah, okay. But... are you sure you're alright?' Dean said, because on the one hand, he was glad that Cas wanted to move on from what happened, but on the other, he couldn't help but feel a little worried. He himself had hurt Cas pretty bad yesterday, and Dean had no idea at all of what had happened afterwards. But knowing his future-self, it couldn't have been good.

‘Why wouldn't I be? You and I are good again, everything's fine.’ Cas said.

Dean still didn't feel so sure about that. 

‘Yeah, I know but...’ He didn't know how to continue. 

‘But, what?’ Cas wondered. He then frowned. ‘Wait... do you know about what happened… afterwards?’ He asked and Dean could almost slap himself. Cas had just softened up to him a little bit, but he just had to screw it up. 

Apparently the look on his face said enough. ‘How?’ Cas asked.

‘Well, I spent some more time with... myself today.’ He explained. ‘For the plan, he wanted to brainstorm with me or whatever. But uh, you also came up.’

Cas let out a laugh. ‘Well, isn’t that fucking great…’ He said sarcastically. ‘What the hell did you talk about?’

‘I don’t know, I didn’t even want to have the conversation!’ Dean responded defensively. He sighed. ‘I kind of prefer not talking to him about you but uh… yeah, you came up anyways. And he basically told me that he knew what happened between us and he said that he knew it from you. He told me you guys talked and then basically implied that more happened afterwards... and he was fucking gloating about it.’

‘Sounds like him.’ Cas said bitterly in response. ‘And then?’

‘Uh, we argued and... I hit him.'

Cas's eyes widened. ‘You what?’ He didn't look happy about that, despite everything.

‘Cas, I couldn't help it.' Dean explained. 'If you knew what he was saying-’

Cas stopped him mid-sentence. ‘Oh, I can imagine...’ He said. 

Dean thought about going further into it, but eventually decided not to. Maybe that wasn't the best idea right now, he thought.

‘It was a little weird though...’ He then said after a moment.

‘What was?’

'I don't know... I did see a side of him that I hadn't seen before.'

'What do you mean?'

For a moment, he'd thought about what they had discussed. ‘In the end, he opened up a little and I could see that... He told me that he'd never wanted any of this to happen. It was pretty clear that he regretted a lot of things. But he told me that he was trying the best he could and... I do believe that.’

‘You do?’

Dean nodded. ‘I still think he's an asshole but hearing him explain his side of things, it... I do think I understand him a little better now. When he brought up Sam and Bobby... I could see the hurt in his eyes so clearly, Cas.’

Cas smiled sadly at him. ‘I know what you mean. You kind of hate him, but at the same time, you also can't help but sympathise a little.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Did he say something about me?’

Dean nodded. He took a moment before answering. Cas was looking at him questioningly. ‘He told me that he never wanted this life for you.' He said eventually. 'He said you don't deserve it. That you deserve better.’

Dean looked at Cas, who was frowning at him. It didn't look like he was believing what Dean was saying. ‘He really said that?’ He asked.

Dean nodded. 'It was also a little weird. At one moment, he actually got mad at me for hurting you and walking out on you the way I did. He somehow sounded weirdly protective.’

‘Protective?’ Cas repeated.

‘I think in his own weird and twisted way, he does still care about you.’ Dean then said.

Dean looked at Cas’s reaction, only he didn’t see what he expected on Cas’s face at all. Somehow, he had imagined Cas to be happy to hear him say what he did, but looking at him, he looked anything but happy. 

‘Cas?’

Cas shook his head. ‘He’s such a hypocrite.’ He said through gritted teeth.

‘What, why?’ 

‘He got mad at you for leaving me? For hurting me? That is just fucking ridiculous. I mean, he only made things worse last night. If he really cared and if he really didn’t want to see me hurt, he wouldn’t have fucked me into the mattress before leaving me as well.’ Cas exclaimed. 

Dean was a little taken aback and noticed Cas looked pretty upset, but he was uncertain of what to say.

Cas buried his face in his hands. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap like that.’

‘It’s... okay.’ Dean said, feeling incredibly guilty. It was all his fault.

A short silence followed.

‘Cas, I'm really sorry.’ Dean said, finally breaking the silence. ‘If... If there's anything I can do to make it up to you-’

‘I just want you to stay with me.’ Cas said, not even letting him finish. He said it softly, but Dean could still hear the desperation in Cas's voice.

The ex-angel was staring deeply into his eyes. He was always so fucking intense, Dean thought.

Not that it was a bad thing.

Dean smiled reassuringly at Cas. 'I can do that.'

Cas smiled back at him. Then, a moment later, he leaned and pressed his lips against Dean's own.

It was soft, but it was good. The familiarity of Cas's touch, the taste of his kiss, it released something in Dean, and he pulled him closer. The world around them almost seemed to fade.

Some moments later, they stopped. 

‘What do you say we go to sleep?’ Dean said. He felt tired and now definitely wasn't the time to take things any further. Dean felt they could both use a good night's sleep. 

Cas nodded in agreement.

While Dean got under the covers, Cas suddenly scooted over to the nightstand and opened its drawer. He grabbed another orange bottle of pills and the bottle of water which lay on the top of the stand. 

‘Cas, what are you doing?’ Dean asked tentatively. He didn’t like the idea of Cas taking more drugs.

‘They’re just sleeping pills.’ Cas reassured before he swallowed the two pills that lay in the palm of his hand. 

After taking them, he got under the covers too and snuggled up close to Dean. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and lying there, Dean truly was happy that they were okay again. Still, he hated that they’d fallen out in the first place and that the evidence of it was all too visible now on Cas’s neck.


	11. I don't hate you.

The meetings with his future-self had started to become a little discouraging. They had just finished their third meeting together, and yet again, they weren’t able to come up with a good plan.

It was frustrating, to say the least.

‘Why don’t you come with, next time?’ Dean asked Cas as he had just explained to Cas how useless today’s meeting with his future-self had been.

Cas smiled as he spoke next. ‘Do you really think that’s a good idea?’ He asked.

‘Well… Yeah.’ Dean said and shrugged. ‘You’re smart and uh… you're an awesome strategist. I know you are. Maybe it’ll be good for us to get a new perspective, you know?’ He suggested.

‘Dean, I appreciate you thinking of me.’ Cas replied. ‘But, I don’t think so... I’m sorry it’s not working out though.’ He then added.

‘So am I.' Dean sighed. 'I mean, we’ve been over it so many times, but we still don't have a mission plan. I don know, it's turning out to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.’ He raked his hands through his hair. ‘It’s just so frustrating.’

‘I bet.’ Cas said and sighed before he continued. ‘Look, it’s not that I don’t want to help, but I just... I don’t want to see him.’ He said as he looked away. ´And... apart from that, I really doubt that I´ll be the one to come up with a brilliant idea.´

Dean didn´t see it that way. He still had faith in Cas´s capabilities, but it looked like Cas himself did not. He chose to let it go. 

It also didn´t surprise him to hear Cas say that his future-self was part of the reason why he didn´t want to help. It was pretty much why he already had been expecting a ‘’no’’ from Cas before he'd even asked. However, he still had because he and his future-self really were stuck.

Yet, maybe it was for the best that Cas had declined; Dean definitely could see the three of them sitting down together and attempting to discuss the mission be pretty uncomfortable.

‘No, I understand.’ He therefore said.

Because he did understand. Dean understood that the last thing Cas wanted right now was to see or confront his future-self. Of course, he hadn't been there that night and he didn’t know exactly what happened, but it was still pretty obvious that Cas had been vulnerable and his future-self had taken advantage of that. 

Thinking about it still made Dean feel guilty, because he was well aware of the fact that Cas wouldn’t have been there alone and vulnerable in the first place if it wasn’t for him and his stupidity.

Cas then leaned his head on Dean's shoulder. 'I'm sure you'll come up with a good mission plan soon, Dean.' He told him reassuringly. 'I have faith in you.' He said. 

 

 

For days, Dean has been thinking things over. Almost every waking moment, he'd spent trying to come up with a good strategy. Yet, in the end, that hadn't gotten him anywhere. Or, that was up until today at least.

The meeting with his past-self had yet again been fruitless, however once he was in his own cabin and thinking things over once again, it finally came to him. Out of nowhere the solution he’d been looking for presented itself to him and suddenly everything clicked.

Dean had found his strategy.

Yet, he didn't feel happy about it. Dean had really thought he’d be pleased once he’d finally found himself a good strategy and a way into the building. But, now that he finally had one, Dean didn’t feel that way at all. Instead, he actually felt horrible and couldn't help despising himself for thinking up the plan in the first place.

Therefore, for hours on end, he mulled things over, searching for and thinking about other ways- alternatives, but in the end, he found that there really were none.

It wasn't easy, but it was a decision he had to make.

Dean decided that it would be best not to share his plan with anyone else. _They wouldn’t understand._ He thought. Especially his past-self would not. He would undoubtedly throw a bitch fit if he ever were to find out about it and that was the last thing Dean wanted. His past-self would only hate him for it - even more than he already did - and Dean really didn't need that.

Besides, he hated himself enough for it already.

Dean could almost hear his past version's judgemental comments and see the accusing look on his face already, but... he just didn’t understand and Dean doubted that he ever would.

It wasn’t like it was going to be easy for him, but he just couldn’t afford to care.

If he really wanted to get to Lucifer, he needed to be prepared to make some sacrifices. _The ends always justify the means, don't they?_ He mused.

Dean really believed that, however, he still felt awful and guilt weighed on him. 

And God, in that moment, he just really needed something – anything – to get rid of those feelings.

Predictably so, he ended up turning to the bottle. Dean had enough alcohol stashed away in his cabin; perks of being the camp’s leader was that he had access to the supplies and could take whatever and as much as he wanted. 

So, Dean drank, but after a while he found that it wasn’t helping. He didn’t end up feeling better at all...

It kind of had become a habit of his; whenever he felt bad, he initially would try to drown his sorrows away and if that didn’t work out, he would seek comfort by spending the night with someone else. Usually, that someone was Cas, but it could also be some random girl. It depended on the day really. 

Yet today, he didn’t want some random girl. 

He wanted Cas.

Dean was walking through the dark towards Cas’s cabin and only then did he realise how late it actually was. He didn’t know the exact time but he wouldn’t be surprised if it was somewhere around three in the morning. Still, the lateness of the hour wasn’t really something that was going to deter him from going; it wouldn’t be the first time he’d show up on Cas’s doorstep in the middle of the night.

What did cause him to hesitate though, was the realisation that Cas was probably not alone inside. He wasn't oblivious to the fact that lately, his past-self was staying in Cas's cabin almost every night. Yet, that fact didn’t end up stopping him either. He didn't want to be alone.

And he needed Cas.

Yet, when Dean finally reached the cabin, Dean didn’t find them together inside like he had been expecting. Instead, he found Cas sitting on the steps of his cabin, smoking.

Cas looked up at him. It was dark, but Dean could see him frowning immediately. ‘Dean?' He said.

‘Yeah. It’s me.’ Dean said.

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Cas then asked. He sounded annoyed and only then did Dean remember that they hadn’t really left things on a great note. 

All day, he’d been so busy thinking about the mission plan and had barely thought about anything else.

_Cas was still mad about that night..._

Dean rolled his eyes and huffed. ‘Still pissed, huh?’ Dean casually asked, ignoring the other’s question.

Cas stood up and threw away his cigarette on the ground. _‘Yes,_ I’m pissed.’ Cas snarled as he raked a hand through his messy hair. ‘I don’t want to see you Dean, please leave.’

‘Cas-’

 _‘No.’_ Cas interrupted. ‘It’s late and you shouldn’t be here, it’s three in the morning.’

Dean shrugged. ‘You’re awake.’ He said.

‘So?’

Dean shook his head. ‘You’re sleeping pattern is so fucked up.’ Dean said. He then sighed and continued since it didn’t look like Cas was going to respond to him. ‘It’s because of the pills, isn’t it?’

‘Dean, what do you care?’

‘They’re bad for you.’

Cas huffed at that. ‘Thanks a lot for the concern.’ He said sarcastically.

 _'Come on, Cas'_. Dean said exasperatedly and let out a sigh. Couldn't Cas give him some slack? For fuck's sake...

On the one hand, he could kind of understand why Cas was mad at him, but on the other, Cas’s attitude was really starting to piss him off. Dean didn’t like it when Cas talked back to him.

 _'What,_ Dean? How did you expect me to act towards you after-’ He stopped and sighed. ‘Look, I really don’t want to see you right now. I’m so fucking tired of this.’ He then said and Dean could hear the hurt and fatigue in his voice.

‘Cas, please. I’m sorry alright. I can get why you’re pissed. I screwed up, but honestly, how many times have you?’ He said.

Cas frowned. ‘I-’

‘Exactly.’ Dean interrupted. ‘We both mess up, but we don’t hold grudges, because fucking up is just what we do, right?’

 _‘No.’_ Cas said quietly as he shook his head.

‘Cas, that’s how it always has been.’

‘I know. But it’s different now.’ Cas said as he stood up.

‘What? _Because of him?’_ Dean asked, unsuccessful in keeping the resentment from his voice.

‘Yes, because of him. He made me realise- It’s true that we always mess up and hurt each other. And if I am to be honest, that has been you much more often than me... Dean, so many times have you hurt me, and you’re right, I never held it against you. I never stayed mad and I’ve always put up with it, but now it _is_ different. Now, I see how fucking _wrong_ and messed up our relationship is. And... as much of a fuck up I am, I really don’t deserve the shit you put me through.’

Dean was taken aback by Cas’s outburst. He really wasn’t used to Cas snapping at him like that. Maybe that was because they never talked all that much to begin with. Also, in those cases where they did talk, it was never their relationship that they would discuss. It was something that always went unspoken and Dean liked it that way. He didn´t like getting into the topic.

That was also the reason why Dean suddenly felt an urge to walk away at the moment; because he knew that if he stayed, they were going to get into things and Dean wasn’t sure if he wanted to have that conversation. After all, he was aware that there was a lot he had to account for.

Yet, in the end, he did decide to stay, because maybe the conversation had been long overdue. 

‘The shit _I_ put you through?' He shot back and huffed. ‘As if you were always there for me. You’re no fucking saint, Cas.’ He snarled.

‘Oh, I know I’m not. And I also know that you still hate me for not being there for you when Bobby died. But fucking newsflash, Dean; you were not the only one who was having a hard time.’

Badly, Dean wanted to snap back at Cas or find something else to accuse him of. But he found that he couldn't come up with anything.

‘I-I don’t hate you.’ He therefore said eventually.

Cas laughed bitterly. ‘You could’ve fooled me.’

Dean sighed and they both said nothing for a minute until Cas spoke again. ‘Dean, why did you even come here?’

‘I don’t know… I’ve been feeling like crap this whole day and I tried drinking... That didn't help.' He said earnestly. 'Then... I thought of you and I-I just wanted to see you, I guess.’

Cas was quiet for another moment before he finally responded. ‘What happened?’ He then asked, voice more sympathetic than before.

‘Cas... I cant-’ Dean said as he shook his head. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to confide in Cas, but he just couldn’t. 

‘Right…’ Cas said.

‘Look, it’s about the mission and I can’t-‘

‘Oh, of course not.’ Cas interrupted. ‘How could the fearless leader entrust _me_ with-’

‘Cas, it’s not that I don’t trust you.’ Dean exclaimed. ‘Of course I fucking do. But this is just something... something I need to keep to myself.’ He tried to explain.

‘Okay… so what? If you don’t want to talk, then what do you want from me? Did you think you could just show up here, tell me you need me and I’d just let you fuck me again? That might have worked before, but I’m really not in the mood for that right now.’ He said laughing bitterly.

‘No, _dammit_ Cas.’ Dean snapped. ‘It’s not-it’s not like that. I just-I… I came because I…’ He faltered, unable to find the right words. ‘Is it that hard for you to believe that I came here because I wanted what you two have?’ He then finally exclaimed. 

Cas said nothing in response. 

Dean couldn’t see his face clearly because of the dark, but there was probably a stunned look on it. Dean was also pretty surprised by his words himself; he hadn't really expected himself to say them, but he guessed that the alcohol in his system probably had a role in that.

It didn’t look like Cas was about to speak up, so Dean continued. ‘You two are there for each other; he comforts you, and you’re there for him. It’s what we used to have before... And fuck, Cas, that’s still what I want. Why can’t we have that?’ He said as he took a step closer to Cas, who had been leaning against the cabin.

Cas quickly stepped away from him however. ‘I think that ship has sailed, don’t you?’ Cas said, but he sounded more sad than spiteful.

It sounded as if he regretted it too.

 _‘Cas.’_ Dean said shaking his head.

‘Dean what- how many times have I made this exact plead to you?' Cas asked. 'So many times I’ve attempted to get things back to how they were, but you shut me down every single time.’

‘I know… I... should’ve tried harder.’ Was all he could say.

‘Oh, right... "You didn’t want things to be like this.''’ Cas quoted.

‘I meant that.’

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yes, Cas. I hate everything about the situation that we're in right now! I never wanted any of this to happen!’ 

Cas laughed at that. ‘Well, you keep saying that, but you weren’t so sorry about our situation two nights ago, were you? Or every other fucking night wherein you come to my cabin and use me!' He then lowered his voice, probably realising it was the middle of the night and people were sleeping. 'You can say now that you hate it all so much, but you can’t deny that a part of you enjoys it as well.’

‘Cas-’ He started as he shook his head.

‘I know that I'm fucked up, but you, Dean, you are so much worse. Part of you actually likes seeing me broken like this.’

Dean was speechless for a second, because he couldn’t deny it. He knew that it was twisted, but it was all true. He loved Cas, he knew that. But at the same time, he couldn’t deny that he also liked to see him broken and vulnerable and for him to toy with. 

He couldn't deny that he liked the control.

 _Of course, he wasn’t about to admit to that._ ‘Well, if you hate it so much, why do you always let me?’ He therefore asked instead.

‘Because it’s you, Dean!’ Cas said.

Dean again didn’t know what to say, but then it turned out that he didn’t have to say anything since his past-self suddenly appeared on the porch.

‘Cas?’ He asked in a sleepy and raspy voice.

‘Dean.’ Cas said, also looking surprised by his sudden appearance. ‘I uh…’ He started, seemingly unsure what to say.

‘What’s going on?’ His past-self then asked.

‘Nothing… I’ll be there in a minute.’ Cas answered and his past-self only hesitated a moment before he went back inside.

Cas turned around to face him again. ‘I’m sorry, maybe you can find someone else to keep you comfort tonight.’ He said.

Dean could only nod in dissapointment before Cas turned around and left him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I was sooo stuck, sorry for the wait guys! Personally I'm not thrilled about the chapter, but I'm just happy to finally have it done. Thanks a lot for reading though and I'd love to hear what you think! And as for the next couple of chapters, I'm not sure yet as to what's going to happen exactly, so if there's anything you'd like to read , I'm open to suggestions. Ok that was it bye


	12. You'll only ruin him.

Cas hadn’t said a word about it. 

For some reason, Dean had thought that Cas maybe would want to talk to him about his future-self’s unexpected visit that night. After all, so far, Dean had always gotten the impression that Cas liked talking to him about his problems and liked confiding in him. Yet, maybe it was different this time, because it really didn’t seem like Cas was all that inclined to talk to him now. 

Dean was fine with that, but he had to admit that a part of him was a little curious. He wondered what they had talked about, and for how long they had been talking. It could have been hours for all that he knew. Though he really doubted that considering the situation.

Dean knew that it was stupid, but he couldn't help but feel worried. And maybe also a little... protective? His future-self was just such a manipulative dick...

Cas also hadn’t said anything to him about it when they had both returned to bed. Dean had only asked him if everything was okay, yet, Cas had said that he should just go to sleep... 

Still, Dean could live without knowing about it. It really wasn’t his business anyways. 

Therefore, their morning together consisted mainly out of lighthearted conversations. It didn’t look like Cas was going to bring it up, so neither would he. And eventually, Dean found that – despite his curiosity - he didn’t even mind that they didn't discuss it. He found that it actually was quite nice to not talk about their issues for once and just pretend that everything was fine.

Yet, while it was nice to spend the morning together, it was still pretty clear to Dean that a lot of the time, Cas's mind seemed somewhere else. 

A couple of hours later though, discussing his other self became unavoidable. Dean had gotten a shower and when he´d been on his way back to Cas’s cabin, he'd bumped into his future-self, who had told him that he had another meeting scheduled for tonight and he was supposed to tell Cas to come too.

When Dean was back, he did exactly that. 

‘Tonight?’ Cas said. 

‘Uh, yeah… at six. He wants us both there.’ Dean answered as he sat down on the couch next to Cas. 

‘Oh… Did he say what it was about?’

‘No, I uh- I didn’t ask.’ He said and Cas only nodded. ‘You’ll come, won’t you?’ He added then. 

Cas half-smiled. ‘Of course… If he wants me there, I’m there.’ He said. ‘It's probably important.’

Dean looked at Cas, who was looking down and Dean just knew that something was realling bothering Cas. The whole day he'd been looking relatively happy, but with the mere mention of his future-self that changed.

‘Hey... Are you alright?’ He therefore asked. 

Cas smiled again, but it didn't look genuine at all. ‘Yeah, it’s nothing.’ He said. 

‘Cas… you can talk to me.’ Dean said. 

Right now, the reason for his prodding wasn’t even his own curiosity anymore, Dean just genuinely wanted to help Cas out with whatever it was that was bothering him. 

Cas sighed and took a moment before he finally spoke. ‘It’s just… his visit last night... I-I just don’t know what to make of it.’ He said, as he gazed downwards at his hands. 

‘What uh-what did he want?’ Dean asked tentatively in response. 

‘I uh… He wanted me to come with him. He... said he wanted me to be there for him. He told me that he was going through a hard time. I don’t know…’ He said looking confused. 

Dean couldn’t say that he was surprised to hear that his future-self had again asked Cas to come with him. The guy was so possessive over him and it was clear that he didn't like to share with Dean. 

Still, Dean didn't know why exactly, but somehow he had been hoping that his future-self would be staying away from Cas after admitting to him that he knew that he was treating him badly. Yet... that apparently wasn't in the cards. 

'Why was he going through a hard time?' Dean asked.

'Um. I asked but, he didn't want to say. I have no idea, really.'

‘Hm.' Dean said and paused a moment. 'Okay, then what did he say that got you so bothered?’ Dean then asked, wanting to understand.

Cas finally looked at him again. ‘Uh… It's just... He told me that- that he missed how things used to be between us. And... he told me that he missed what we used to have. That he never stopped wanting that...’ 

‘Oh… Wow.’ He replied, not really knowing anything better to say. 

‘Yeah. He never opens up like that and it was strange... But still, a part of me really wanted to give into those words. Into him. It’s just that... I’ve been waiting so long for him to say that to me.’

‘I get that.' Dean replied. 'But still, you didn’t give in. And that’s good, Cas. Standing up to him, it’s a good thing.’ 

Cas nodded. ‘Yeah… I have to say that it felt good to finally give him a piece of my mind.’ He said with a small smile. 

'You did that?' Dean asked.

Cas was still smiling as he nodded.

Dean laughed. It was good to hear that he'd done that. ‘Yeah, I bet it felt good.’ He said.

‘But... I just don't understand, you know? If he has really been feeling that way, why couldn’t he say these things to me earlier?’ He said, smile gone as quickly as it had appeared. 

Dean shook his head and shrugged. ‘I dont know, Cas.’ He replied, unable to give him a real answer. Beause, he might technically be the same person as his future-self, but Dean honestly still couldn’t understand what the hell was going on in the guy’s head. 

Cas was still looking at him confusedly when he spoke up again. ‘I mean... It's confusing. He always acts like he doesn’t give a shit about me... And no matter what I do, it's never enough for him.' He sighed and gazed downwards. 'Dean, you have no clue how bad he can be... Why would he be like that if he cares about me so much? I-I just don’t understand.’

‘I don’t- I don’t really understand him either, Cas.’ Dean said, and took one of Cas’s hands in his as a gesture of comfort. ‘But maybe it’s… maybe it’s because of the fact that the mission is coming so soon?’ He guessed and shrugged. ‘I guess maybe now that he faces the prospect of losing you, he realises that his opportunities to tell you how he really feels are running out.’

‘So, you think… you think he meant it?’ Cas asked him, and Dean couldn’t miss the shimmer of hope in his eyes. 

Dean thought about that. He would never be able to say for sure, but Dean did believe that there was a chance that his future-self had really meant it. Even though he was an asshole and was treating Cas like shit, Dean still kind of believed that the guy did care about him deep down inside. 

_Do you have any idea how hard that must have been? I’m sorry, but how was that ever not supposed to fuck me up?_

_I never wanted this for Cas. I know he doesn’t deserve it._

Maybe it had turned into something twisted and toxic, but Dean was pretty sure that his future-self still had some deep feelings for Castiel. 

‘I think he did.' Dean therefore said. 'What do you think, Cas?’

‘I don’t know.' He said and then smiled briefly. 'I always used to be able to tell when you or… he was lying to me or telling the truth, but now… After all his mind games, all his lies, I can’t really tell anymore.’ He continued as he shook his head. 'And... I don’t feel like I can trust my own judgement anymore.’

‘Right…’ 

Cas then let go of his hand and buried his face in his hands. He groaned. ‘I could really use something right now.’ He said. 

Dean eyed Cas, who was looking quite upset. Dean hated seeing him like that. 

However, despite that, Dean still didn’t want him to turn to drugs or alcohol. ‘Cas, it’s barely noon.’ He therefore protested. 

_‘So?’_ Cas asked, looking at him desperately. 

Dean sighed. ‘Look, I know I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t stop you from taking those pills or whatever it is you want to take. But, _please_ just don’t.’ He pleaded. 

‘Dean-’

‘Cas, I understand the need, I do.’ Dean interrupted. ‘When I’m miserable, I don’t usually cope in a healthy way either. But it’s not going to make things better, these problems… they aren’t just going away.’

Cas looked at him for a moment, then he sighed. ‘Fine. I’ll uh… I think I'm gonna go for a walk then. Clear my head a little.’ He said and stood up. He suddenly smiled. 'Is that allowed?' He asked jokingly.

'It's allowed.' He said smiling, glad that Cas decided to listen to him. 'You're doing good, you know?'

Cas lightly frowned at him. 'What are you talking about?'

Dean shrugged. 'I just... I noticed you've been laying off the drugs and the booze a little. That´s good. I'm proud of you.' 

Cas smiled. 'Thanks, Dean.' He said. 

‘I’ll see you at the meeting then, at six?’ Dean then asked. 

Cas nodded. ‘I’ll be there.’ He said. 

Dean expected Cas to turn around and leave, yet instead, the ex-angel bent forward and kissed him softly. Dean was taken by surprise, but didn’t hesitate and kissed back right away. 

‘Thanks for listening, Dean.’ Cas said after he drew back. 

Then, he left. 

 

 

 

When Dean walked into headquarters, he found – as expected - his future-self already there. He was alone standing by the counter, glass of scoth in hand. ‘Hey.’ He greeted. 

His future-self turned to him. ‘You’re early.’ Was all he said. 

Dean shrugged. ‘You know me, I’m very punctual.’

His future-self snorted. ‘What do you want?’ He asked coldly.

‘Nothing. I was alone, I thought I might as well leave early. Be on time for the meeting…’ 

‘Oh. Well, lucky me…’ His future-self replied sarcastically. ‘So, no Cas?’

‘Went for a walk.’

‘Well, is he going to be here?’ His future-self asked in an irritated tone. 

‘Yes, he’s not going to bail on us. He’ll be here.’ Dean defensively bit back in a similar tone of voice. 

‘Hey, you can’t blame me for being doubtful about him showing up, considering all the times he’s let me down in the past.’ His future-self then said and Dean could almost taste the resentment in his voice. 

Dean frowned. _‘Are you fucking kidding me right now?’_

‘Does it look like I’m kidding?’

Dean barely knew what to say. ‘I’m sorry, but what happened to those regrets you had just a day ago? You were owning up to your mistakes, but now you’re back to bashing him again?’ He asked, and found that he actually felt a little disappointed. 

His future-self rolled his eyes and sighed. ‘Can you just shut up?’ He asked tiredly. 

‘No.’ Dean said, because as much he hated talking to his future-self too, Dean still thought that they should. ‘Did you even mean a single thing of what you said to me?’ He continued. 

‘Okay, fuck off, alright? My relationship with Cas is none of your damn business.' He sighed. 'I’m so sick of your fucking meddling.’

‘I’m just looking out for him.’ He said. 

‘Oh, and that’s all you're doing?’ 

Dean wasn’t sure how to reply to that. Because in truth, that wasn’t all; he wasn't just looking out for Cas as a friend. It was more than that, and they both knew it.

‘I care about him.’ Dean replied eventually.

‘Oh, you made that obvious.’

Dean rolled his eyes and went to sit down at the table. Then for a moment, they both said nothing. Still, Dean could feel his future-self's eyes on him.

After a moment, Dean turned to look him in the eyes. 'What?’ He asked.

‘I'm just wondering...' His future-self started. 'What will you do when you get back to your own time?'

'What do you mean?'

'I'm not referring to Michael or saying ''yes'' to him. It's clear to me that no matter what I say, you won't listen. I meant... when you're back in your own year again… Are you going to try something with Cas?’

‘What?’ Dean asked. The question just took him completely by surprise. ‘I-I don’t know… I haven’t really given that much thought.’ He answered honestly. ‘Why are you asking me this?’

‘Well… I have given it some thought, and... I really think you shouldn’t. It'd be better if you kept some distance.’

Dean frowned. ‘Why?’ He asked.

His future-self scoffed. ‘Do you even need to ask me that? I mean, you've seen this future, you've seen our relationship... Isn’t it as clear as fucking day what kind of effect we have on him?'

Dean only gave his future-self a questioning look.

'If you haven’t realised: we don’t exactly change his life for the better.’ His future-self continued. ‘All I’m saying is that… that if you really care about him, you shouldn't get too close.’

‘No.’ Dean said as he shook his head. ‘I'm sorry, but that is just bullshit. You might have fucked it up, but I can do better.' He said.’

‘Do you really believe that?’

‘Yes.’ Dean said. 

Yet, truthfully, he wasn't so sure. Dean had to admit that a part of him was scared that in a few years, he'd be exactly the same. Yet there was no way he was admitting that to his future-self.

His future-self sighed. ‘You and I might be different now.’ He admitted. ‘But I think deep down inside, you know that I’m right. I mean, your Cas already fell for you didn’t he? In 2009, he'd already lost some of his powers. That was thanks to us- thanks to you. Because he chose to be on our side. How much more do you want him to give up for you?’ He then asked earnestly. 

‘I-I don’t want…’

‘We are poison to everyone around us, Dean, and Cas is no exception. You’ll only ruin him.’

'Like you did...' Dean said softly.

'Exactly. And is that what you want?'

‘Of course not.’ Said Dean.

Dean took a moment and thought about everything his future-self was saying. He hated it. He hated it so much but the guy was making so much sense. Suddenly, Dean became overcome with doubt and fear.

He wanted to continue the conversation but suddenly, Risa and some other people Dean didn’t know the names of were coming inside. And not that long after after that, Cas arrived as well. 

The briefing started. It was mainly his future-self who talked. Some asked questions, but it was mainly his future-self telling them and explaining how it all was going to go.

Yet, Dean really didn’t like what he was hearing. He didn't like any of it. Apparently, his future-self suddenly had the plan all figured out and they were leaving tomorrow. Dean could not understand how that was possible; they had been working on a plan together for days, but they came up with nothing. It had almost seemed impossible and therefore, Dean couldn’t help but feel sceptical about the plan his future-self was presenting out of nowhere. It also didn’t help that his future-self was being incredibly vague about the details of the mission. 

That was why he took him aside after the meeting had finished. He'd been assigned to prepare the guns for the next day with Risa, but Dean couldn't care less. He needed to speak with his future-self. 

‘Hold up.’ He said. 

_‘What?’_

‘There’s- there’s something that isn’t sitting right with me.’ He started. 

‘Okay…’ His future-self said and looked at him expectantly. 

‘See, this is what I don’t understand: we’ve been working on a mission plan together for days; we have been plotting and strategising, but we couldn’t come up with anything. Yet, now all of a sudden you do have a mission plan?’

‘What do you want me to say. It's a good plan.’

Dean frowned. ‘There’s something you’re not telling us.’ He said.

His future-self rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t be so fucking paranoid, Jesus Christ...’

‘I’m not being paranoid.' His future-self only shook his head. So, Dean continued. 'You’re holding something back.’

His future-self scoffed. ‘They don’t need to know all the fucking details, alright?’ He snarled. 

‘I think it’s more than just you leaving out a few details.’

‘Well, it is.’

As Dean stared at himself, he was a hundred percent sure that the guy was lying to his face.

‘I don’t believe you.’ He therefore said. 

_‘Well... Tough._ Because get this, it doesn’t fucking matter what you think, these people follow me and it is going to happen tomorrow regardless of what you think.’ His future-self snarled. ‘So _please,_ do me a favour and go back inside and help Risa prepare the guns.’

‘Oh right… while you join Cas to _get the cars ready._ As if you need two people to fuel up a couple of cars.’ He said with some resentment; he couldn’t help but resent the fact that when his future-self had divided tasks, he conveniently had paired himself up with Cas, despite the fact that he knew fully well that Cas didn't want to see him.

He hated how his future-self smirked. ‘Green isn’t a good colour on you.’ He then said. 

Dean faked a smile too. _‘Hilarious.’_ He said sarcastically. ‘But I mean it, if I find out you have been fucking with him again, Lucifer will be the least of your worries.’ He threatened.

His future-self snorted and rolled his eyes before he spoke. ‘Oh, I’m shaking.' He said, still smirking at him. 'Don’t worry, I’ll be good.’


	13. I don't expect you to forgive me.

Dean hated the fact that his past-self had been able to see right through him. He was already suspicious of him...

Personally, Dean had thought he had done a pretty good job of explaining the mission plan at the meeting, considering the fact that he couldn’t really give the others many details. However, maybe he hadn’t done as good of a job as he thought he had. 

Though, maybe he could have expected the reaction he got from his past-self; they were the exact same person after all. Who knew him better than himself?

Yet, the fact that his past-self was suspicious didn't really matter much anyways since it wasn’t going to change a damn thing. They were going tomorrow whether the guy liked it or not. 

Now, Dean was heading towards the area where the cars were parked. He wanted another conversation with Cas and he sure as hell was going to get one. 

Admittedly, the way he had paired himself up with him at the end of the meeting hadn’t been exactly subtle, but Dean simply wanted another chance to talk to him. And since Cas didn’t seem particularly inclined to talk to him lately, it looked like he just had to create an opportunity for himself. 

Dean didn’t really understand himself why he wanted to talk to Cas so badly all of a sudden - he usually never did and never bothered - still, that need was there now, and Dean also couldn’t help but think he'd regret it if he didn't. 

He did hope however, that their conversation today would be going better than the one they had the day before. Dean still felt embarrassed about it, because it all had been so fucking pathetic; how he’d gone to Cas and spilled his guts; telling him he missed him… _What the hell had he been thinking?_ It really had been pathetic and then Cas had turned him down too… Which was understandable, but it had still stung, because it hadn't been easy for him to open up like that. 

_Still, it wasn’t going to stop him from trying again._

Cas was standing by one of the cars with his back towards him. It looked like he was closing the lid on one of the fuel containers. It didn’t look like Cas heard him approaching. 

‘Cas, hey.’ Dean therefore said to announce himself. 

Cas turned around. ‘Hi, Dean.’ He greeted back. 

Dean stared at him and was glad to see that Cas didn’t look mad. Yet, in a way, he did look a little uncomfortable under Dean's gaze. 

‘So, are they all fuelled up?’ He asked. 

‘Yes, they’re all good to go.’ Cas answered with a shrug. 

‘Great.’

Cas looked uneasy. ‘Was there anything else you needed me to do?’ He asked him uncertainly. 

‘Uh, no. You’re good.’ Dean answered.

‘Great.’ Cas said curtly before grabbing the fuel container and starting to walk away. 

‘You really can’t be away from me fast enough, can you?’ Dean asked bitterly.

His question made Cas stop in his tracks. He then turned around. ‘Dean, you said I was done.’ He said.

Dean shrugged at that. ‘Can’t we talk?’ He asked, now thinking that getting Cas to talk to him was possibly going to be more difficult than expected. 

Cas laughed shortly. ‘Let me guess... you want to let me know that you were drunk and didn’t mean a thing of what you said?’ He asked, but the smile disappeared. ‘You can save it, Dean, I know the drill.’

Dean shook his head. Maybe it made sense Cas would think he was going to go there, but he wasn’t. Not this time. ‘No, Cas.’ He therefore said. ‘That’s not what I was about to say.’

‘Oh, it’s not?’

‘No. I-I did mean it. Yeah, I was a little drunk, but what I said... I meant it. ’ 

‘And I’m supposed to believe that?’ Cas asked sceptically. 

‘Yes… Cas, I’m… I’m sorry, okay?' He paused. 'For everything.’ He then added as he stepped closer to Cas. 

However, only when Dean heard the words coming from his mouth did he realise how crappy his apology had sounded. Judging from the look on Cas’s face, the words also didn’t really have the desired effect. 

‘Well, Dean…’ Cas started with a bitter smile. ‘You can take that apology and shove it up your ass.’ He hissed. He then stepped away from Dean, bumping his shoulder angrily.

‘Cas, come on.’ Dean now said tiredly, because _why the fuck was Cas making this so hard for him?_ Maybe his apology had sounded a bit crappy, but he was trying… Couldn’t he cut him some slack?

‘No, _fuck you._ I don’t want to hear it.’ Cas snapped. 

‘You don’t want to hear it?’ Dean repeated irately, because Cas’s attitude was starting to piss him off. 

‘That’s right.’

‘I’m finally opening up to you and you can’t even be bothered to fucking listen?’ He snarled. 

‘Are you serious?’ Cas asked in reply and laughed. ‘Do you expect me to be grateful or something just because you’re finally apologising to me?’

‘I don’t expect you to be grateful.’ Dean shrugged. ‘I just think that you can at least listen to what I have to say.’ He growled. ‘Why the fuck are you making this so hard for me? At least I’m trying here.’

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

‘It means that I think that I’m not the only one of us who owes the other an apology.’ Dean said, because in his opinion that was kind of true; he wasn’t the only one out of the two of them who had made mistakes in the past. At least he was making an effort now. 

‘Oh really? Then enlighten me, Dean. What is it I should be apologising for?’ Cas asked as he sat the fuel container on the ground and crossed his arms. 

‘Well… Hm... I don’t know…’ Dean started sarcastically. ‘Maybe-maybe you owe me an apology for being nothing but such a useless piece of shit for the last few years!’ He snarled, but regretted that immediately. It came out a lot harsher than he had intended and as a result, Cas looked hurt and offended. 

So, Dean forced himself to calm down before he continued. ‘Cas… you promised me that you’d be there and that we would take care of things together. You promised me that… But instead, you washed your hands from all of it and just let me deal with everything alone. Day in day out I had to manage this shithole of a place and I needed you, Cas. But I had to do it all alone because you decided that doing drugs was more _fun_ than being there for me. Do you think that was easy for me?’

‘No, but Dean I-’

‘And while I’m at it, that is another thing; the drugs.’ He continued, interrupting Cas at the same time. Dean didn’t know how exactly he had gone from attempting to apologise to pointing out all of Cas's mistakes, but here they were… It was like all his bottled up emotions and frustrations were just spilling out and he seemed unable to stop. ‘I know that you’ve been telling him that I completely abandonded you right when times got hard, but that’s not true and you know it. I tried to help you when you just started to get addicted. But did you listen to me? _No…’_

‘Okay, I get it!’ Cas exclaimed. ‘I know that I fucked up with the drugs and I also know that no one shoved them down my throat; you don’t have to tell me that that was all my own goddamn fault! I know that I’ve fucked up and made mistakes.’ He admitted. ‘But Dean, the difference between yours and mine is that while I may also have screwed up many times, I never tried to hurt you intentionally.’

‘Oh, and _I_ do?’ 

‘Do you even need me to answer that?’ Cas asked angrily. 

Dean laughed despite the fact that he wasn’t amused at all. ‘You know what? No, spare me… The last thing I need to hear right now is your whining about how I mistreated you.’ He mocked. ‘If you ask me, you’re enjoying playing the victim a little too much.’

‘I’m not playing victim, I-’ Cas started, sounding offended.

‘Must be nice though…’ Dean however interrupted. ‘Every time when you get home, he’s there, telling you that you deserve better and that I’m such a dick. Must be nice to have someone to complain to about me. And I’m sure he just soakes it all up. I mean, I know he hates me; I can’t imagine all the things about me that you put into his head, just to get some sympathy from him.’ Dean taunted. 

In the back of his head, Dean knew that he was so in the wrong, but it was almost as if he had no control of the words coming out of his mouth. Also, he knew fully well that he shouldn’t let his jealousy get the best of him, but he just couldn’t seem to help it. Because… he was jealous. So very jealous and though Dean didn’t know the full extent of the relationship Cas had developed with his past-self, he hated it nonetheless. 

He hated the fact that Cas let him stay in his bed every night. 

He hated that they had found something in each another. 

It made him feel left out and replaced. 

‘I didn’t do that.’ Cas said offendedly. ‘I haven’t been bad-mouthing you just to get sympathy from him. I’ve been honest with him right from the start, about everything… And sure, he has been sympathetic and I have been enjoying his attention, but I haven’t been deceiving or lying to him.’ 

‘Sure.’

‘I’m many things Dean, but I’m not a liar.’ Cas said and Dean didn’t know what exactly to say to that. A short pause followed before Cas continued. ‘Why are we even discussing him in the first place? I thought you wanted to talk about us… for whatever reason.’ He scoffed. 

_Why were they discussing his past-self?_ It was a good question and Cas was right; it made no sense that they were discussing him at all. Because the thing was that Dean really only had intended to talk about them. Yet for some reason, they really had strayed off topic.

They were bad at talking and Dean knew that, but still he'd stupidly thought that talking things out could give the both of them some kind of closure. But maybe it really had been a stupid idea because talking generally never worked out between the two of them. It made Dean wonder why they always seemed to be so unable to just have a normal conversation.

‘I did.’ Dean said eventually. ‘You’re right… that-that is what I wanted to talk about.’ He confessed and raked a hand through his hair. ‘God, why are we always fighting? I wanted to apologise, why do we always get like this?’ He asked desperately. 

‘I don’t know…’ Was all Cas said in response. 

_‘Fuck,_ I just- I just wanted you to hear me out, Cas.’ Dean said earnestly and suddenly noticed how desperate his voice sounded. 

Cas stayed quite for a moment. He looked up when he spoke. ‘Then what was it you wanted to tell me so badly?’ He asked, gazing at him expectantly. 

Dean shrugged. ‘That I was sorry… Because I really am, Cas.’ He said.

Cas was only shaking his head. ‘You don’t mean that.’ He said with a sceptic laugh. ‘You’re a fucking liar, Dean.’ He spat out. 

Now, Dean was shaking his head too. ‘Cas, I’m not lying. When I told you yesterday that I never have stopped wanting what we used to have… that wasn’t a lie either.’ He sighed before continuing. ‘You don’t know how much I miss it sometimes. To be with you… and hold you. I kept this all bottled up, but I can’t do it anymore…’ 

Cas was still shaking his head. He looked confused and distraught. ‘Dean, wh-where is this even all coming from? You never show me that you care, but now, all of a sudden, you do? And you’re sorry? That is some turn around if you ask me.’ 

In all honesty, Dean knew he couldn’t blame Cas for being so sceptical. After everything Dean had done to him, he'd be a fool not to be. Still, it only meant he was just going to have to try a little harder to convince Cas that he was being sincere. ‘Cas, I do care. I know it hasn’t always seemed like it, but I do, and always have.’ He therefore said. ‘Look, I’m aware that this apology comes a little too late and I’m not expecting anything… but I just wanted you to know.’ He finished.

When Dean looked at him, Cas was staring at the ground. It looked like he was still busy processing all the words he had just heard. 

‘Cas?’

‘You’re right…’ He said in a small voice. ‘It hasn’t exactly seemed like it to me that you cared so much.’ He said through gritted teeth. 

‘I know.’ Dean admitted. He started to move his hand to let it rest on Cas’s shoulder but then changed his mind. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea yet. ‘Cas, I can’t make excuses for the way I’ve been.’ He started as he shook his head. ‘I know that I’ve been cold and distant and… uncaring. I don’t even understand myself why I’ve been like that… I’ve turned into someone I never wanted to be and to be honest, I hate the person that I’ve become.’ He took a deep breath before he continued. ‘And I hate how I’ve been using you as an outlet for my own frustrations, you don’t deserve that…' He finished, though since Cas didn't respond, he eventually spoke up again. 'Why do you even keep putting up with that?’

Cas shrugged defeatedly. ‘Like I said, because it’s you Dean. I can’t deny you… I always let you because… despite everything, it’s still you. And Dean, you’re all that I have.’ He confessed. ‘Despite your visits being short and… despite how they always make me feel afterwards… I still prefer those visits over not seeing you at all.’

‘Right…’ Dean said, not knowing anything better to say. 

A silence fell between the two of them and Dean tried to think of something else to say, but couldn’t come up with anything since the whole ‘pouring your heart out’ thing was still new to him after all. However, despite it not being easy, it did feel good. Finally, he was able to let out everything he had forced himself to keep inside for so long. 

It felt as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders. 

‘So what, do you really think we’re going to die tomorrow?’ Cas asked out of a sudden. 

‘What?’ Dean asked; he hadn’t seen the question coming. 

‘Isn’t that why you’re telling me all this now?’

‘Kind of, I guess...’ Dean admitted. ‘I mean, it’s not looking so great and to be honest, I don’t expect either of us to make it. So yeah, I just wanted to let you know now that I still can.’ He said, but he absolutely felt like shit saying it. _It’s not looking so great?_ Cas was right; he was a damn liar, because Dean knew perfectly well what was going to happen to Cas tomorrow and what his fate was going to be. He really was a horrible person…

Cas only nodded, so Dean continued. ‘Look, I just- I don’t want you to die not knowing that I really cared about you. Because I-I do care about you Cas.’ 

His words really seemed to have affected Cas; he looked like he was on the verge of tears. It was a little weird to him since Dean rarely saw him as upset and confused as he looked at the moment. ‘Dean…’ Was all he eventually croaked out. 

Dean didn’t hesitate as he wrapped his arms around him. For a moment, Cas stood rigid in his arms, but not after long did he return the hug. Cas gripped unto him tightly as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. ‘Shh… it’s okay.’ Dean soothed. ‘It’s alright Cas… It's okay.’ He said.

Dean knew that the words were meaningless, but he said them nonetheless. Because fact was that Dean knew perfectly well that he was the reason as to why Cas was breaking down in his arms right now in the first place. It was all his fault that Cas was so broken and messed up and Dean felt guilty as hell about it. 

It was strange and new because he never used to feel guilty about the way Cas had turned out. He hardly ever gave it much thought, and when he did, he never really looked at it from Cas’s side of things.

A minute later, Cas withdrew and made an attempt to regain his posture. 

‘Look, I-I don’t expect you to forgive me, but-’ Dean started. 

‘Dean, I- you need to know that I don’t blame you.’ Cas interrupted. ‘I know you didn’t want things to be like this… And we both took some wrong turns along the way.’ He admitted as he gazed downwards. 

Dean smiled a little. ‘Yeah, you can say that.’ He said. 

Then Cas looked up at him with his piercing blue eyes. ‘I’m sorry too, Dean.’ He said softly. 

Dean felt a sense of relief wash over him and he felt pleased. He smiled and hesitantly brought his hand up to cup Cas’s cheek. He knew fully well that he was still on thin ice, but Dean wanted to kiss him. _They had kind of talked things out didn’t they, so maybe it would be okay?_

Therefore, he slowly leaned in and Dean was glad to see that Cas didn’t move away from him. When he dipped his head and brushed his mouth against Cas’s, Dean momentarily felt Cas tense up. However, Dean kissed him gently and so, only a few seconds later he could feel Cas relax already. 

He even kissed back. 

A minute later, Dean broke the kiss. He knew that he was possibly pushing his luck, but he decided to ask anyway. 

‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ He asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tadaa another chapter! I was really scared about posting it though since the convo between future cas and dean was pretty significant. I wanted to do it right but I'm still unsure. I hope you liked it though. :)


	14. I love you.

Dean sat alone on Cas’s bed, waiting. 

He must have been sitting there like that for about an hour, but it felt like longer. At first, he’d been quite sure that Cas would come back to him, however as time passed, he gradually became less certain of it. He hoped that he was wrong, but he just had this nagging feeling that Cas wouldn’t return to him. He wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that his future-self had persuaded Cas into forgiving for everything him and talked him into staying with him for the rest of the night. It was obvious that Cas had a major soft spot for the guy and probably would be having trouble saying no. 

Dean really hoped that he was wrong, but he also couldn’t get the image of his future-self smirking at him when he said that ‘’he’d be good’’ out of his mind. In his opinion, it didn’t bode well; he didn’t trust his future-self as far as he could throw him. 

So many questions ran through Dean’s head. He wondered what his future-self was saying to Cas; if he was being honest or not, if he was going to apologise. Would they be fighting or would Cas cave? Dean wondered if his future-self would be asking Cas to come with him. Dean wouldn’t be surprised if he did. _Would Cas say yes?_ Dean hoped he wouldn’t, but it would explain why Cas still hadn’t come back yet.

The thoughts were killing him, but all that Dean could do was wait. So, he remained anxiously waiting like that for quite a while. But then, he heard someone outside of the cabin and suddenly Cas stood in the door opening. ‘Hello Dean.’ He said.

Dean sat up straight. He was elated, glad that Cas had come back after all. ‘Cas. You’re here.’ He said. 

Cas smiled. ‘Of course.’ He said and paused for a second. ‘You seem surprised though.’ He then added. 

‘Uh yeah, I thought that uh…’

‘You thought I’d be with him.’ Cas finished for him. 

‘Well… sort of.’ Dean admitted uncertainly. ‘Sorry, it’s just-’

Cas smiled as he seated himself on the edge of the matress. ‘You don’t have to apologise, Dean.' He said and then suddenly looked down. 'Truth is, I almost did go with him.’ 

‘Oh... you did?’

‘Uh, yeah. When I was done checking on the cars, he approached me and we talked and… he apologised.’ He said with a small smile. 

‘You guys talked things out?’

Cas nodded. ‘Sort of... We fought at first, but in the end, we talked and he opened up… and so did I. It felt good to finally talk about everything… all our problems. We both apologised and I don’t know… it felt like closure.’ Then he paused shortly. ‘Afterwards, he did ask me to come with him…’ He smiled as he shook his head. ‘He said that it could be just like before. And while part of me did want to, I couldn’t; because you’re the one I wanted to be with, Dean.’

‘Are you sure? I mean, I’m not-’ Dean started. Because, as glad as he was that Cas had chosen to be with him, he wanted to be sure it was really what Cas wanted too. 

Cas took one of his hands in his. ‘I’m sure. I mean… you have no idea how much your presence here has meant to me, Dean. You really were there for me... These past few days I've spent with you were the best I've had in a long time. So it wouldn’t be exactly fair if I dumped you now, would it?’ He joked. 

Dean laughed. ‘I’m really going to miss you.’ He said, because he really would. Usually, he wasn’t the one to make statements like that, but somehow, with Cas, opening up was easier. 

Cas shrugged. ‘You’ll still have the past version of me.’ He said. 

‘I know, but he’s so… different.’

Cas smiled. ‘I know he is.’ He said. ‘But give it a chance, you never know right?’

‘You think I should?’ Dean questioned, because he himself wasn’t so sure. The conversation he had had with his future-self before the meeting was still on his mind. He didn’t like it, but the guy kind of had a point when he told him that if he really cared about Cas, he should keep his distance from him. Dean hated it, but it kind of made a lot of sense. 

_‘Yes.’_ Cas however answered adamantly. 

‘But, Cas. He’s so- he _is_ different.’ Dean said and sighed. ‘Oh-nine you is a freaking Angel of the Lord. All he cares about is the apocalypse, demons and angel stuff. It does not include me.’ 

Cas chuckled. ‘Do you really believe that?’ He asked incredulously. 

‘Uh yeah... In my year, we were allies, that’s all I am to you…’ He answered, but Cas kept looking at him as though he was stupid. ‘What?’

‘Dean… you were always more than just an ally to me. Believe it or not, but I cared about you beyond the valuable part you played in the apocalypse. And I know I might’ve looked like some marble statue to you back then, but I’ve never been that.’

Dean took a moment to take it in. ‘So, you really think I should give it a chance?’ He asked eventually. 

‘Yes. We wound up together in this future, what’s to say it won’t happen in yours?’

Dean smiled. ‘Look, I-I do want to give it a chance.’ He admitted and sighed. ‘Getting to spend all this time with you has only made me realise how much I like you, Cas. And I think I have liked you for quite a while now, but I’ve been denying it. But after all this… I don’t know if I can do that anymore... when I get back. Because I do want to find out if- if there could be something between us in my own time.’ He admitted. ‘I just… don’t think that it’s a good idea.’

‘Why wouldn’t it?’ Cas asked with a frown.

Dean hesitated, but eventually, he just decided on telling Cas the truth. ‘Well, Dean… I talked to him about it today as well, or… it was actually more him doing the talking really… But the point is that he said to me that I shouldn’t try anything with you when I get back. He said uh… that it would be a bad idea. That I should keep my distance.’

‘Wow…’ Cas said and laughed bitterly. ‘He regrets ever having been with me that much?’

‘No Cas, that’s not it.’ Dean said as he shook his head. ‘He told me-he told me that it would be a bad idea… for your sake, Cas. He said that he understood that I wanted to try, but that I shouldn’t, because I’d only wind up ruining you. And don’t you think he kind of has a point?’

‘No, that’s ridiculous.’ Cas answered. 

‘Is it, really? I mean, look at what effect he had on you… I don’t want to make that same mistake. I don’t want to do that to you!’ He exclaimed.

Cas shook his head. ‘Dean, I don’t think you can make that comparison. Mine and Dean’s circumstances are completely different.’ He then said in a soothing voice. ‘And Dean, I know that you think that you have some kind of poisonous effect on the people around you, but that is not true.’ He added.

In that moment, Dean was surprised of how well Cas actually knew him. He was aware of the fact that Cas knew him pretty well, but now it was almost like Cas was able to read his exact thoughts. Because sometimes, he really did feel as though he was like some kind of poison, hurting everyone he cared about in the end. ‘I’m not so sure about that, Cas.’ He therefore said. 

Cas smiled sadly. ‘You’re too stubborn for your own good. Us being together, it can be a good thing. I can clearly see that you want to try. So try. You deserve to be happy.’ He said as he moved closer to him. 

Dean looked at him straight in the eyes, and how badly did he want to believe him. 

He smiled as he shook his head. ‘How would that even work out though? I mean, you’re an angel, and then there’s the freaking apocalypse… I don’t see how that’s an ideal time to-’

‘I’m aware that there’s much else going on and that times aren’t exactly easy…’ Cas interrupted. ‘I’m not saying that those matters aren’t important. But Dean… all I’m saying is that you shouldn’t write it off.’

‘Okay, I won’t.’ Dean smiled.

Cas smiled back at him. ‘Good.’

After a short silence, Dean spoke up again. ‘So… you really liked me back then?’ He asked curiously, because he wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to find out what the extent of his Cas’s, _Castiel's,_ feelings towards him were. 

Cas chuckled. ‘Yes, even back then. You were… I don’t know, you were always special to me Dean. You were the first human I got to know and I always felt this… bond with you. And I won’t say that I was in love, but I definitely felt something.’ He then paused shortly. ‘And those feelings of affection were… they were unfamiliar, but… you were more to me than just my ally, or my charge. And admittedly, I did only see you more as a brother in arms initially, but those things change. I know it did for me.’ 

‘How did it… change, between the two of you?’ He asked. However, he wasn’t sure if it had been a good idea when he saw Cas’s reaction to his question. Cas seemed surprised. Maybe it wasn’t something Cas liked to talk about… ‘Never mind.’ He therefore backtracked. ‘You don’t have to answe-’ 

‘It’s okay. I don’t… I don’t mind telling you.’ Cas interrupted. It’s- well… it wasn’t something that just happened overnight. Uhm… Dean and I, we just spent a lot of time together and I don’t know… we really grew close.’ He began uncertainly, though he smiled. ‘We used to be around one another constantly and I think we both made life a little a better for each other. But then came this moment when I realised that I had feelings for you and I was horrified, I thought it would completely ruin what we had… So of course, I didn’t act on my feelings and pretended they weren’t there and I didn’t want you to find out, because I really didn’t think you felt the same for me… But then it turned out you did.’ He said with a smile. Then he continued. ‘I think Dean had been denying his feelings for me as well, so for a while… we kind of just danced around it and each other, but then there was this one night… we had been drinking and talking and suddenly you just kissed me. And maybe it had been coming for while, but I was still taken completely by surprise. Still, it just felt right somehow, like how it was supposed to be. And he was gentle and careful… because he knew it was all so new for me… I remember finding the whole experience so amazing, and I was happy, because I-I had you. Suddenly, I didn’t care that I didn’t have my grace anymore and that my brothers and sisters had left. Because suddenly you were all I needed… And we were happy; times were hard, but at least we had each other, you know?’

Dean only nodded, but also couldn’t help but smile as he heard the story. It was actually kind of cute, he had to admit. 

‘God, I can’t believe how much we’ve changed since then…’ Cas said, however the smile disappeared from his face. ‘As times got worse, we got worse. And he still came, but… he wasn’t exactly that caring anymore.’ He finished, gazing downwards. 

Dean looked at Cas, who was suddenly looking completely heartbroken. ‘Hey, come here.’ Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him closer. 

Cas held tightly unto him until he drew away a moment later. ‘Dean, I know you hate being stuck here, but I’m selfishly really glad Zachariah sent you. Having you here has been… It’s something I didn’t know I needed.’ He confessed. 

Dean shook his head. ‘Cas, I don’t hate being here... Maybe I did at the beginning, but that changed. I admit that I was frustrated about being stuck here at first, but honestly, I’ve loved spending time with you.’ 

Cas only frowned. ‘I don’t get it.’ He said. 

‘What?’ Dean asked. 

‘Why you bother spending time with me. Why you even like me… I mean, you falling for the 2009 version of me is something I could still understand, but... _me?_ Dean, I’m constantly whining to you about my problems, I’m a complete mess… The other you could barely stand to be around me- could barely even look at me sometimes; I don’t get why you-’

‘Stop. I don’t want to hear it.’

‘Dean-’

‘Yes, you’ve changed, that’s obvious… You’re not the same as how I knew you in my own time and sure, you got a little messed up. But Cas, you’re still… you’re still the same where it matters. And… there’s nothing wrong with being a little messed up.’ Dean soothed, and he was glad to see his words bringing a smile to Cas’s face. 

Cas smiled and then he kissed him; it seemed as though he was done talking, because Cas moved unto his lap where he kissed him even more heatedly. And for a while they stayed like that; just kissing and Dean enjoyed every second of it.

If that was all it was they were doing tonight he would be absolutely fine with it. Still, he couldn’t help but ask. ‘Cas, do you- can we try again?’ He asked hesitantly. 

Cas smiled. ‘Only if you promise not to freak out this time.’ He said. 

Dean smiled too as he spoke. ‘I promise. I want this... I want you, Cas.’ He panted. Then, Dean slid his hand back around Cas's neck to pull him closer, bringing their lips together again. With his other hand, Dean grabbed the hem of Cas's shirt and pulled it off. He tossed it to the ground while Cas wrapped his arms around his neck. Cas panted and moaned as Dean trailed kisses down the ex-angel’s neck, nibbling and sucking on the skin, leaving a few marks. Then Cas’s hands gripped his hair tighly, and he brought their mouths together again. They kissed heatedly and Dean moaned as he felt both their growing erections pressing in their pants. 

When Cas grabbed Dean’s shirt and pulled it up and over his head, he tossed it to the ground before he went to slowly unbuckle Dean’s belt. He unzipped the pants while Dean panted in his mouth, hands in his hair to keep Cas's lips on his. It all felt so good and Dean enjoyed it all thoroughly, however, when he felt one of Cas’s hands slide inside his pants and boxers, he still freaked out for a second. _Because they were really doing this… He was about to have sex with Cas and it was Cas who was gripping his hard cock and slowly stroking up and down…_ The whole idea of it was still weird, but on the other hand, he had meant it when he said that it really was what he wanted. He wasn’t backing out this time. ‘You got uhm… lube and condoms?’ He whispered when he finally broke their kiss.

‘It’s in the drawer.’ Cas answered before moving off his lap. Dean made to look in the drawer as Cas was taking off his pants without much ceremony and tossed them to the floor. When Dean found what he had been looking for, they moved back to the same position. Cas was untop of him again when Dean waved the condom with a grin. ‘So, how do you wanna do this?’ He asked. Dean actually felt a little nervous, but he was glad that he didn’t sound it. 

Cas seemed to be surprised by his question somehow. ‘I uh-I don’t know…’ Cas said as he shook his head. He seemed a little uncertain. ‘I’ve never… It was always… You’re always the one fucking me.’ He explained. Though as he talked, Cas avoided his gaze. 

‘Oh.’ Was all Dean said. He wasn’t really surprised to hear it, but still he wasn’t sure what to say. 

Castiel shrugged again, still keeping his eyes averted. ‘Yeah…’ He then leaned forward and kissed him softly. With a smile, he pulled back a few seconds later. ‘Which way would you prefer?’

Dean frowned a little. ‘I don’t-’ He shrugged. ‘Cas, I don’t care, either way’s fine by me.’ He said, because it honestly didn’t matter all that much to him. What he wanted was to be as close to Cas as possible, and he didn’t really care about they way they did that. Besides, he really wanted to give Cas the choice. 

Cas didn’t respond to his answer right away. He pushed him down on his back first and kissed him again. Only a minute later, he broke the kiss and spoke. ‘I think you should hurry up and fuck me already.’ He whispered in his ear. 

With that, Dean’s uncertainty dissapeared as excitement suddenly took over. He felt his dick twitch and a second later, Dean flipped them so that he was the one untop. He leaned over Cas and slowly kissed along his neck and then back to his lips. When he pulled back, he grabbed the bottle of lube and poured its contents on his fingers before he wrapped them around Cas's dick, sliding up and down, spreading lube and pre-come while Cas moaned under him. He stroked a few times until Cas was panting again and moaning his name in low breath. 

Dean wasn’t a hundred percent sure of what he was doing, but he only hoped he was doing it right when his fingers finally reached Cas’s hole and circled the rim. He slid his other hand in Cas's hair, pushing it out of his face and leaned down to claim his lips in a sloppy kiss. Dean knew that he was stalling, but in all honesty he was still nervous about taking it further. Kissing he was familiar with, but fingering someone open or having sex with another guy – not so much.

Maybe Cas had picked up on his nervousness somehow as he spoke up between his panting. ‘Dean, it’s okay. Stop thinking so much.’ Cas reassured before he wrapped his arms around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss. Cas’s arms were loose around his neck and Dean moaned through the kiss. And Dean didn’t know why exactly, but Cas’s reassurance really helped. Finally, he slowly slid a finger inside. And as Dean did, he kissed Cas again, nibbling at the ex-angel’s lips and licking down his jaw, kissing down his neck as his hand moved a little deeper with every stroke. And Dean kept pushing his fingers, becoming more certain every time a pleasured moan escaped from Cas’s mouth. 

A little later, Dean pulled his fingers out and leaned up again to kiss Cas properly. Cas kissed back enthusiastically, deepened the kiss, while he also stroked his hair and pushed up on him in an attempt for more friction. Dean then pulled back and broke the kiss to look around for the condom. When he found it, he ripped the packet open and finally pushed his pants off, letting them fall to the floor. He moved back to his postion in between Cas’s legs again where he wrapped the condom on his dick. 

Dean grabbed one of Cas's legs and pulled it slightly up and apart, leaving Cas all open beneath him. He leaned again, aligning his cock to Cas's hole, and waited, panting on Cas's lips. Cas moaned his name, pulling him at his shoulders untill Dean finally pushed inside him, slowly breaching his rim with the head of his dick. Cas took a deep breath as he lied underneath him while Dean waited again, letting him adjust to the pressure. He wanted to be gentle and careful, so he bottomed out slowly. As he did, he reached for Cas's lips again, kissing him, his forehead leaning on Cas's as he slowly pushed deeper. 

Cas wrapped his arms around his head as Dean kissing him again and again and they moved together as Dean rocked his hips with Cas's. One hand was on the ex-angel’s thigh and the other at his waist, holding him gently. Dean was being gentle and slow, not because he was afraid to hurt Cas, but because he wanted to show him how much he cared. He wanted to make it good. 

‘Dean, more.’ Cas however moaned suddenly and Dean complied. He picked up his pace and Cas gripped his hair as he did. His head was tilted back in the mattress as he moaned Dean’s name and grinded back in the hunter’s touch. Dean leaned to kiss down Cas's neck and back up to claim his lips in a deep passionate kiss. Dean thrusts became more eratic and he felt his own orgasm building as he stroked Cas’s cock. Not long after, Cas came all over his stomach with Dean’s name on his lips and after that, Dean came too.

He rolled off Cas and for a moment, they both just lied panting. Dean felt completely sated as he wrapped his arms around Cas.

The real thing had turned out to be even better than how he had imagined it to be. 

He wanted to say something, but he found that he was a little speechless. So, he just grabbed Cas and pulled him closer and kissed him. 

Cas smiled up at him as he looked into his eyes. ‘I love you, Dean.’ He whispered. 

Dean smiled before kissing him again. ‘I love you too.’ He then said back, surprised at how easily it actually was to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol pastdean and cas getting together was probably overdue haha. I hoped you liked it? I'm also already busy writing the last chapter and it's roughly already there, but I'm open to suggestions and ideas.


	15. I don't want it to be over.

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, tying his shoes. He and Cas had both cleaned up and gotten themselves dressed and they were basically all ready to go. 

Cas stood in the doorway, looking outside. The sun was just setting and it gave the sky a warm orange colour. 

Their whole night and morning together couldn’t have been more perfect. Or at least, not to Dean. Sleeping with Cas was everything he had dreamed it would be and more. Despite the fact that Dean had experienced some great nights in the past, those nights didn’t even come close to the one he had just spent with Cas. 

Dean was actually kind of surprised by how much he had enjoyed it, because truth be told, he hadn’t expected sex with a guy to be all that amazing. All his past experiences had been with women and most of those experiences had been pretty damn awesome. And thus, for some weird reason, he had thought that sex with guy would not come close. But boy, had he been wrong about that. With Cas it had been fucking great and Dean could still envision him under him, all sweaty and writhing and panting...

However, it wasn’t just that the sex had felt good. It had been much more than that. Dean had never felt as close and connected to anyone else ever before. And sure, he liked Cassie… and he liked Lisa, but what he felt for them didn’t compare. 

_He liked them, but he didn’t love them._

He did love Cas... Still, he wasn’t quite over the fact that he had told Cas that. Dean didn’t regret saying it, not for a second. However, he was still just amazed that he had. The only other person he had ever said ''I love you'' to was his mother… Still, it hadn’t been hard to say it to him at all; when Cas said it to him first, it was just impossible not to say it back. 

Dean looked up from his shoes as Cas was suddenly standing in front of him. ‘You ready?’ He asked with a smile. 

Dean smiled back at him. ‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’ He said as he got up from the bed. 

Cas kissed him as soon as he had stood up. ‘Then let’s go.’ 

Cas was already turning around, probably heading out to leave. Yet, Dean found himself rooted to the spot. He couldn’t move for some reason. ‘I hate that this has to end.’ He said and Cas turned around and looked at him. ‘Once we step out that door, it’s all going to be over. I don’t want it to be over.’ Dean then added. 

The thing was that he had been well aware that whatever he had with Cas wasn’t something that would last; their relationship always had an expiration date. However, now that that date had come, Dean still didn’t feel ready to leave it behind.

‘Neither do I.’ Said Cas. ‘But… this is happening. We can’t run from it. And as much as I want to stay here with you too, we do have to go. They’re probably waiting for us already.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, you’re right…’ Dean answered uneasily, because he wasn’t only hesitant to go just because he didn’t want things with Cas to end, it was also because in the back of his mind, Dean was still worried about his future-self’s intentions. Despite the fact that he had denied anything was up, Dean still couldn’t help but shake the feeling that he was hiding something important. 

Cas frowned while tilting his head in the confused way he always did. ‘Dean, is something wrong?’ He asked. 

‘I don’t know, Cas.’ Dean shrugged. ‘I-I just have this feeling that this is all going to end really badly.’ He confessed. 

Cas smiled. ‘You’re not alone in that.’ He said.

‘You think so too?’

‘Yes... I’ve actually talked to Dean about the mission yesterday. He said to me that our chances weren’t great and that there was a big chance that we weren’t going to make it, so...’

‘Did he say something else?’ Dean asked pressingly. 

‘Uh, no. Why?’ 

‘It’s just… Didn’t you notice at the meeting yesterday that something was off?’ He asked and Dean couldn’t believe he was only bringing this up now. Dean wondered if Cas had noticed too.

However, Cas only looked at him questioningly. ‘Off?’ He asked. 

‘Yeah, off. He was being all vague, gave no details about the mission whatsoever. It- the whole thing just didn’t feel right to me and I’m pretty sure that there was something he wasn’t telling us.’ He explained. 

‘Did you ask him about it?’

‘I did. I confronted him, but he said that I was being paranoid.’ Dean said incredulously and laughed. 

‘Well… maybe you were.’ Cas however said. 

_‘What?’_

‘I don’t know… It’s just- I was there too and I listened to him, but he didn’t really sound all that suspicious to me.’ Cas answered. 

Dean laughed, suddenly starting to feel a little pissed off. ‘Cas… you said yourself that your judgement was off when it came to him.’ He said bluntly. Because, Dean tried not to be, but he was getting irritated. It frustrated him that Cas seemed so unwilling to believe him. He just knew that he was right and it sucked that Cas didn’t want to see that. Again, he seemed unable to look past his future-self’s lies. 

‘It might be… But Dean, what exactly is it you think he’s hiding? Dean wants to kill Lucifer; he wants the mission to succeed. I don’t see what he could have been lying about.’ Cas then shot back with a tone that almost sounded defensive.

_Cas was fucking defending him._

‘You really trust him, don’t you?’ Dean asked through gritted teeth. 

‘I do. We all do. When it comes down to missions, and Lucifer… Dean knows what he’s doing. And I do trust him.’ 

‘Right… I forgot, he’s your fearless leader.’ Dean sneered. 

‘What?’ 

‘Nothing, forget it.’ He said as he raked a hand through his hair. He sighed before he spoke up again. ‘Look, Cas, it’s just… I have a bad feeling about this and I’m worried something is going to happen to you.’ He then confessed, because he really was worried and also didn’t want to spend their last moments together arguing over some disagreement. 

With those words, Cas’s expression changed and it softened. ‘Dean, don’t be. Look, I love that you care about what will happen to me.’ He said with a small smile. ‘But, it isn’t something you should worry about… Because the thing is, it doesn’t matter what happens to me today at all.’

‘Cas-’

‘No, think about it…’ Cas interrupted. ‘Zachariah will probably zap you back and then this future will be gone anyway. This whole timeline will be erased. So, what does it matter if I’m going to die in a few hours?’

Dean couldn’t believe what he was hearing. ‘Cas, how can you say that? Of course it fucking matters!’ He therefore said. 

‘Dean, relax.’ Cas said, probably in an attempt to soothe him. 

Dean sighed. ‘Look, maybe you’re right about what you said. I don’t know what’ll happen… Maybe this whole timeline will be erased. But that isn’t going to stop me from worrying about you.’ 

Cas smiled at that and took one of his hands in his. After a short silence, he looked up from their hands and spoke up. ‘Everything will be okay.’ He then said. 

While Dean appreciated the sentiment, he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe it. No matter how much he wanted to. ‘You really believe that?’ He asked sceptically, because in his opinion, they were screwed, no matter if it was 2009 or 2014. 

Cas didn’t answer his question. And judging from the look on his face, he also wasn’t really all that sure himself. ‘What’s important is that you get back to your own time. As long as that happens… everything will be fine. It’s a second chance, Dean. And I have faith you’ll change things for the better.’

In his opinion, Cas had too damn much faith in him, but Dean smiled nonetheless. ‘I’ll try.’ He said.

‘I know you will.’ Cas said and kissed him. 

 

 

 

His future-self was leaning against one of the trucks when they arrived. He had his arms crossed and didn’t look happy. 

‘Awesome, guys. Thanks a lot for making all of us wait for you.’ He immediately snarled when they had walked over to him. 

Dean scoffed. ‘Yeah… We’re really sorry.’ He replied sarcastically. Cas however, said nothing. 

His future-self rolled his eyes. ‘Whatever. We need to get a move on. Cas you’re with me.’ He said. 

‘What?’ Cas asked. 

‘You’re riding with me. Risa will take him.’

‘Oh. Okay...’ Cas responded uncertainly and Dean found him glancing at him.

His future-self must have noticed as he sighed and spoke. ‘If you need a moment, please make it quick.’ He bit out before he turned on his heel.

When his future-self’s footsteps had faded, a silence fell between him and Cas and Dean realised that this was really it. This was their goodbye. 

Once they would enter the hot zone, it would be all about the mission and this was their last moment in which they could really talk. Still, Dean found that he didn’t know what to say.

Cas stood in front of him, also looking a bit uncertain. 

‘I’m really not much of a morning person, am I?’ Dean finally asked, referring to his future-self’s grumpy attitude. It still felt like a stupid thing to say, but Dean just wanted to break the silence. 

Cas shrugged. ‘Dean hates it when people are late.’ 

‘I see.’

Then Cas suddenly smiled. ‘Though, I blame us being late more on you… You really were stalling this morning.’ He said. 

Dean couldn’t help but laugh; he didn’t really need Cas to tell him that since he was fully aware of the fact that he had been stalling. He only wasn’t aware of the fact that he had been so obvious about it. ‘What can I say.’ He shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to leave.’ He said honestly and the smile disappeared from Dean’s face, because he really didn’t want to leave and he didn’t want to leave Cas behind. 

Normally, he wasn’t the one for chick flick moments and drama, but this goodbye was a lot harder than expected. Whereas he normally would slap on a fake smile and act as if things weren’t so bad, Dean found that he wasn’t able to do that now. 

Cas must have noticed how he was feeling, as he always did. ‘Hey… don’t look so miserable.’ He said. ‘You’ll probably be back to your own time in a few hours, that’s what you wanted, right?’

‘Yeah, it was…’

‘You’ll be able to see Sam again. I’m sure you must have missed him.’

Dean knew what Cas was doing. He was obviously trying to cheer him up, and Dean couldn’t help but break a smile. It was sweet. ‘I really have. It’s been a while since we’ve been apart for this long.’ He said.

‘Does that mean you’re going to follow my advice and go find him?’

‘I am. You were right, Sammy… he’s a- he’s a good kid and I need him. And I guess we are stronger together.’

Cas nodded. ‘Good.’

‘Yeah, that was some good advice. Don’t know what I’d do without you.’ Dean said, being fully aware of how lame the phrase was. Still, it made Cas smile, so it wasn’t all bad. 

Cas smiled, but then his expression turned a little more serious. ‘Dean… I know you won’t let it come to that, but… promise you won’t let yourself become like him.’

‘I-I won’t.’ Dean responded. ‘I promise, Cas. I won’t let that happen. And I’ll make sure you’ll nev-’

‘Not for me.’ Cas interrupted. ‘For you.’

Dean frowned, unsure as to what Cas exactly meant. But when Cas stepped closer to him again and gently rested a hand on his cheek, it became even harder to think. 

Their eyes locked and Cas was smiling at him again. ‘I had forgotten what you were like. How beautiful and good you were.’ He whispered and it was like Cas was staring straight through him. His stare was invasive in a way that was just so Cas and Dean couldn’t bring himself to break the stare. ‘I’m so glad you were here to remind me.’ Cas finally said before he let their foreheads rest against each other. 

They shared a kiss that Dean knew would be their last and it was over far too soon for Dean’s liking. 

It was a loud honk coming from his future-self’s truck that broke them apart.

‘I think that’s our cue.’ Dean said. 

‘Yeah… Goodbye Dean.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the chapter is short and it's taken me fucking long to update so my apologies. I've been stuck but the next chapter won't take this long because it's largely already written. The chapter will be just future!dean and future!cas since Cas is forced to take the drive with him.


	16. I'll always follow you.

Cas didn’t look at him as he sat down beside him in the car and neither did he speak. Therefore, they drove off silently. 

In the following minutes, Dean drove and while he minded the road, he couldn’t help but look over to Cas from time to time. 

Cas was staring out of the window dejectedly and it was clear to him that he was upset. Only he didn’t need anyone to tell him that it was the goodbye to his past-self that caused him to be like that. And while some part of Dean felt like comforting him, at the same time another part of him couldn’t help but feel a little pissed. Because whereas on the one hand, he kind of felt bad for Cas, on the other, he resented the fact that in their lasts moments together, all Cas could do was sulk and be heartbroken over another fucking guy. 

Even though he felt annoyed, Dean forced himself to ease up, because he didn’t want to make the mistake he always seemed to make; snapping at Cas for something minor, being a complete dick and hurting Cas in the process. It was what he always did and as a result, so many of their conversations had ended in a fight. He didn’t want that right now and he certainly hadn’t told Cas to take the drive with him only to pick a fight. 

Dean couldn’t pinpoint what exactly his reason was for wanting Cas to take the drive to him, but if he needed to give one, it would be that there honestly wasn’t anyone else he wanted to spend his possible last moments with. Maybe it was a bit selfish since he hadn’t really given Cas a choice, but Dean honestly didn’t care if it was. After all, these were the last moments he’d ever be able to spend with him. 

As Dean again took his eyes of the road to look to his right, he wanted to say something. However, he really didn’t know of what to say. He could remember a time when talking to Cas came easy to him, however that seemed ages ago. Now, they weren’t so great in communicating anymore. 

‘You okay?’ He finally just settled on, not being able to stand the silence any longer. 

And Cas finally looked at him. ‘Yes, I’m fine.’ He said and then immediately looked away from him again. 

Cas’s curt answer aggravated him. First of all, it was so obviously a lie and moreover, it really pissed him off that it was seemingly so fucking hard for Cas to say a single sentence to him.

‘Good, because I want you focused when we arrive. You need to get your shit together, Cas. I don’t want you to be some distracted mess just because saying goodbye to him was so damn difficult and emotional for you.’ He therefore said harshly. 

Cas scoffed. ‘You don’t have to worry, I’ll keep it together.’ He bit back. 

‘Great.’

Silence fell between them again, only now, the air felt more tense than before. 

Cas was the one who broke it a minute later as he spoke. ‘Why did you want me here?’ He asked. 

‘What?’

‘Well, you asked me- or told me to take this drive with you. Why me? Was there something you wanted to say or did you just want to scold me some more?’

Honestly, there was a lot he wanted to say, but Dean had no idea where to start. Moreover, some of the things he wanted to talk about he couldn’t even discuss. He couldn’t talk to Cas about the plan he’d made, or about how terrible and guilty he was feeling because of it. However, he wanted to... From the moment he’d devised the plan, he’d felt like crap for it and it only seemed to pain him more and more the longer he had to keep it to himself. He hated that he had to, because whereas manipulating and lying to Cas weren’t exactly things that were new to him, he’d never kept something from him this big. 

‘No, nothing specific. I just really can’t stand the rest of them and if I have to be stuck in a car with anyone for two whole hours, I’d rather it be you.’ He eventually said nonchalantly, fully aware of how unsympathetic he sounded. However, it really was for the best to keep Cas at arm’s length; he couldn’t jeopardise the mission by slipping up and accidentally revealing what he had planned. 

Cas laughed bitterly. ‘Wow, that’s- that’s real flattering.’ He said sarcastically. 

Dean huffed. ‘But I’m sorry if it’s inconvenient for you. I’m sure you’d much rather be with him, right?’ Dean shot back as out of a sudden jealousy creeped over him. 

‘Dean-’ 

Dean now laughed. ‘So tell me… how was your last night?’ 

_‘What?’_

‘It’s a simple question. How was it?’ 

‘It… it was fine.’ He answered uneasily. 

‘Fine.’ Dean repeated. ‘Good. That’s- that’s good.’

Cas sighed. ‘Dean look, I’m sorry that I-’

‘Oh, don’t apologise cas. You made your choice.’ He snarled, despite the fact that Cas was apologising to him. 

‘Dean, it’s not that I didn’t want to be with you. I just-’ Cas tried to continue, but yet again, he was interrupted mid-sentence.

‘It’s just that you wanted to be with him more.’ Dean said. 

‘Dean, what do you want me to say? It- it felt like the right choice.’

‘Oh, it felt like the right choice?’ Dean repeated indignantly. ‘Fucking ditching me after everything we’ve been through together felt _right_ to you? You know, I thought… I thought we had talked things out last night. I apologised to you, Cas, and you forgave me.’ He continued and noticed the longer he spoke, the guiltier Cas started to look. ‘I thought that meant something, but maybe that was just me. I mean… hell, did that conversation mean anything to you?’

‘Of course it did!’ Cas exclaimed. ‘It- it meant a lot to me.’ 

Dean scoffed. ‘Well, apparently not enough since it wasn’t hard for you at all to choose some guy you’ve only know for a couple days over me.’ 

‘He isn’t just some guy.’ Cas replied softly. 

Dean huffed. ‘Whatever. I don’t give a shit.’ He snarled. 

As Dean again looked to his right, Cas desperately raked his hands through his hair. ‘Dean, can we- can we not fight? God knows what will happen in a few hours… Can we please not spend this whole fucking drive arguing?’ He asked, but got no response. 

Cas sighed before he spoke again a moment later. ‘Look, I… I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ He said. 

‘Well, you did. I needed you.’ Dean said. 

In the back of his head, it did register to Dean that he possibly was being manipulative by guilt tripping Cas over the decision he’d made. Still, Dean didn’t really care if it was, because when it came down to it, he was only telling the truth. He had needed Cas, and Cas hadn’t been there… 

Cas sighed again. ‘I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, but Dean, that one conversation didn’t magically fix everything between us. We- Dean, we have problems… and they didn’t just disappear only because we had one good conversation together.’

Dean grunted. ‘You can tell yourself whatever you want, but it should have been me. After everything we’ve fucking been through… You should have chosen me, Cas.’ He said. 

‘Well… it was my decision and maybe you should respect it.’ Cas suddenly said, taking him by surprise.

‘Whatever. I hope your night with him was everything you hoped it would be.’ Dean said under his breath, but loud enough for Cas to hear.

After that, they didn’t talk for a while and Dean was left to his own thoughts, only, the more he thought back on their conversation, the more of a piece of shit he felt. He realised kind of had a point in saying that one conversation wasn't able to suddenly fix all their problems. And while it stung that Cas hadn’t chosen him, deep down, Dean knew that he had no right guilt-tripping Cas over the decision he’d made. 

When Dean looked over to his right again, he saw Cas staring out of the window absent-mindedly. He wondered if apologising would help, but Dean wasn’t sure. He wasn’t even sure if starting another conversation was a good idea at all, since it just seemed that every attempt he made ended badly. 

Therefore, Dean kept putting off talking until he noticed that they’d already arrived in the city.

The others were already there and Dean could see them standing by their cars. 

He pulled over not far from them and not a second later Cas was already reaching for the door handle. However, Dean quickly gripped him by the upper arm, stopping him from getting out. ‘Cas, wait. Before we head out… Can we talk?’ He asked. 

Cas pushed him away, but didn’t leave. ‘What do you want now? Can’t we just go?’

Dean sighed. ‘Look, I can’t stop you from getting out of this car and I can’t force you to listen to me, but I really just want to talk.' He said, but Cas didn't look convinced. 'I don’t want us to leave things off like this. Do you?’ He therefore added.

Cas let go of the handle and sighed. ‘Okay.’ He relented. ‘So, what is it?’ 

‘Look Cas... I'm- I’m sorry about earlier. I probably shouldn’t have gotten mad at you like that. I’m just… I’m just an asshole, okay?’ Dean apologised, however as the words came from his mouth, he realised it must have been one of the weakest apologies of all times. 

‘Dean, you know I had my reasons for not going with you last night.’ 

‘I know.’

‘And for the record, I didn’t choose him because I wanted to sleep with him so badly. Dean, I chose to be with him because I… I trust him.’ 

That stung. 

‘And you don’t trust me?’ Dean asked. 

Cas shrugged. ‘With some things, I do…’ He started. ‘But Dean, I don’t trust you not to hurt me... Because when it comes down to it… every time I let you in, you make me regret it. And last night… I didn’t want to be hurt by you again, and I didn’t want it to be another thing that I’d regret. I wanted to spend what could be my last night with someone I felt safe with and could trust not to hurt me…’ He explained and paused a moment before he added ‘Someone who loved me.’

Dean was silenced for a moment. ‘I guess that’s fair.’ He replied eventually. ‘But for what it’s worth… I do love you, Cas.’ He confessed. 

Cas looked at him, shocked. ‘What?’ He said. 

‘What? I do.’ Dean said with a small smile. 

Dean was a little shocked that he’d admitted to it himself, but the moment had just felt right somehow. Moreover, he couldn’t let Cas die thinking that he had never loved him. 

‘You- you never said that to me before.’ Cas replied, still looking very confused. 

Dean shrugged. ‘Yeah, well… saying it has never really come easy to me.’ He replied. 

‘Do you want me to say it back?’ Cas asked in a small voice. 

‘I- Uh… You don’t have to.’ Dean replied. Because really, he didn’t need Cas to say it back for him to know Cas loved him back. 

A short silence fell, however Cas broke it eventually. ‘Dean, you need to know that- that last night… part of me did want to come with you. I mean, he’s great, he really is… But you were right, you’re the one that I have experienced everything with, and we’ve been through so much… And our conversation did mean a lot to me, so of course part of me wanted to go home with you. You said it could be just like before and... that's- that's all I've ever wanted. And I- I didn’t want you to have to spend it alone… I’m sorry that you had to.’ He said. 

While he appreciated the fact that Cas was apologising to him – one that also sounded so much more sincere than his own apology – , Dean knew that it was uncalled for. ‘It’s okay, Cas. I get it.’ He therefore said. 

For another moment, they were both silent. ‘Can I ask you something?’ He then asked suddenly. 

‘Uh, okay…’

‘Be honest. At the meeting yesterday… was there something you were holding back from the rest of us?’

‘What?’

‘Well, did you tell us everything that-’

_Fuck._

Suddenly Dean realised exactly what Cas was asking about. His past-self had taken his doubts and suspicions to Cas and now Cas was questioning him. And Cas questioning him definitely wasn’t something he’d seen coming and he hated that it was happening. He didn’t want to be lying to Cas’s face in their last moments together, but now it seemed he had no choice. 

‘Oh of course, I see what this is. This is him again, isn’t it? He’s been talking into you?’

‘He only-’

‘No, I wasn’t holding anything back.’ Dean interrupted while he tried to sound offended. In his opinion, he was actually doing a pretty decent job. ‘Jesus Christ. Why the fuck would I be hiding anything?’ He continued. ‘We all want the same thing, don’t we?’

‘Yes, but-’

‘Well, then drop it. I know you must have forgotten because you never fucking go with anymore, but while going on missions, it’s important that you fucking trust each other. And it’s especially important that you trust the person that leads them.’ He finished. 

‘Okay, I get it. It’s- Dean, it’s just that he said that there was something going on and… who knows you better than him?’

‘Well, he was wrong. Cas, you know that there’s nothing I want more than Lucifer dead.’ He replied. 

‘I do… I’m sorry.’ Cas then said guiltily, and only then, Dean almost lost it. It was just so fucking wrong that Cas was apologising to him since he was just lying through his teeth. It was so wrong, because he was knowingly leading Cas to his death and lying about it and yet, Cas was the one who was apologising. 

‘It’s okay.’ He said and oh, how much did he hate himself in that moment. 

Dean couldn’t bear to speak up again, so Cas was the one that spoke again first. ‘So, are you ready to face Lucifer?’ He asked. 

‘Uh, yeah.’

‘Dean...’ 

‘Okay, no.’ He then admitted, because truth was that he wasn’t ready… While he had the Colt and had the plan, he still didn’t feel ready for what was coming next. He wasn’t prepared to face Lucifer and he most certainly wasn’t prepared to see him inside of Sam. But most of all, he wasn’t prepared to send Cas off to his death.Because if his plan was - by some miracle - going to succeed, _what the hell was he supposed to do afterwards? When everyone he cared about and loved was dead?_

‘Well… you won’t have to do it alone.’ Cas then said while giving him a small smile. However, the attempt at comfort only made him feel worse. 

‘Are you even aware of the fact that this is basically a suicide mission?’ He said, unable to keep his voice even as he spoke. 

Cas however, shrugged almost nonchalantly. ‘I’m aware, and… what can I say, I’ve made my peace with it.’ He said. 

‘You have?’

‘Yes, I’m ready for this to be the end. Besides, the life we live… it isn’t really much of one.’

The words made Dean feel a little better, however he still hated himself immensely for what he was going to do. Yet, the fact that Cas had made peace with the fact that he was going to die made it a little more bearable somehow. 

‘I know it’s not.’ Dean replied and broke a smile. ‘I can’t imagine how much you must regret staying here when the angels left. You could have been in a much better place, yet instead you’ve gotten yourself stuck in this shithole. Not you’re best decision.’

Cas chuckled. ‘I know. Being human… it- it fucking sucks. Though at the time, I don’t know… it seemed like the right thing to do; staying here.’ He admitted. 

Dean smiled. ‘You did it for me.’

Cas didn’t deny it and they both knew it was the truth. ‘Yeah... I don't know, you seemed worth it.’ He said. ‘Worth falling for…’

Dean took a moment before he responded. ‘And I ruined you.’ He said.

‘Dean, you didn’t-’

‘I did.’

Cas sighed. ‘I know that you’ve told him to stay away from me when he gets back.’ He suddenly said.

‘Oh.’ Was all Dean said in response. 

‘What was that about?’ 

Dean shrugged. ‘Look, I just… I didn’t want him to ruin that version of you like how I- like how I ruined you. I mean, for us… it’s all way too late, but it’s- it’s not for them.’

Cas smiled. ‘Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think a warning from you is going to stop anything.’ He said. 

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean that… I don’t think he’s going to keep his distance from me and neither will I from him. Dean… that version of me has already rebelled for you and I don’t think he’s going to stop following you anytime soon.’ Cas explained.

‘Well… he should.’

‘Maybe... I just don't think that's ever going to happen.’ He sighed. ‘When I first laid a hand on you in hell Dean, I was lost… From that moment, you were everything and… I’ll always follow you, no matter where you lead, even if it is a suicide mission. But I think you already knew that.’ He finished and Cas smiled at him.

Dean knew that he didn't deserve it; he knew that he didn't deserve to get anything from Cas anymore, yet he nevertheless reached over, hand barely touching the side of Cas's face and went in for one last kiss. 

Before their lips met, Cas looked a little confused and wary, but he didn't move away as Dean leaned in further.

When their lips finally met, Cas felt a little tense but it didn't take him long to relax into the kiss. And as they kissed, so many emotions suddenly ran through Dean. It was funny really, since only a few moments ago he'd been mocking Cas for being upset about having to say goodbye. Yet he now understood completely what that felt like. There was nothing easy about it.

Finally, he forced himself to let go and Cas just blinked at him, blue eyes looking at him expectantly as if waiting for an order.

Dean cleared his throat. 'Come on, let's join the others.' He said and Cas nodded.

And that was it. The end of the line. 

They left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope you liked the chapter and liked their little conversation. Don't hesitate to leave kudos or a comment cause I love that shit. Also, next chapter will take at least a week to update since I have my finals next week (kill me). Anyway, thanks for reading hope you enjoyed.


	17. Something is broken in you.

After a relatively short walk through the city, they reached the sanitarium. The building looked as desolate and ruined as the city had looked. 

‘There.’ His future-self said as he pointed. ‘Second-floor window. We go in there.’ He instructed further. 

‘You sure about this?’ Risa then asked him. 

Perhaps he was mistaken, but Risa almost looked doubtful; she didn’t look all that confident in the plan his future-self had laid out for them and Dean wondered if maybe he wasn’t as alone in his reservations as he thought he was. 

His future-self frowned. ‘They'll never see us coming. Trust me. Now, weapons check. We're on the move in five.’ He said. 

_Trust me._ It was supposed to be a line of reassurance, but it wasn’t reassuring at all to Dean. There really was something and he could just read it all over himself. Despite all the denials and reassurances his future-self gave, Dean was still a hundred percent sure that something was going on. Just the way in which he had uttered the words ‘’trust me’’… It wasn't right and even though it might have reassured the others, Dean knew better. 

‘Hey, uh… me. Can I talk to you for a sec?’ He therefore asked. He just couldn’t keep silent and just go along with it. Whatever his future-self was hiding, it needed to be put on the table. 

His future-self came to him and Dean was sure that they were out of hearing distance from the rest of the group as he spoke. ‘Okay, tell me what's going on.’ He immediately demanded.

‘What?’

‘I know you. You're lying to these people and to me.’

‘Jesus... this again?’ His future self said exasperatedly. ‘I don’t have the fucking time for this right now.’ He then snarled.

‘Yes, this again!’ He exclaimed. ‘There's something you're not telling us. So tell me what’s going on right now or I'll be taking my doubts over to them.’ He threatened. 

Evidently, his tactic worked as his future-self gripped him by the arm to stop him from walking away. ‘Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.’ He said. 

‘What?’ 

His future-self took a deep breath. ‘Take a look around you, man. This place should be white-hot with Croats. Where are they?’ He asked. 

Dean thought for a second. ‘They cleared a path for us.’ He then said. ‘Which means that this is-’

‘A trap.’ His future-self interrupted. ‘Exactly.’

Dean frowned. ‘Well, then we can't go through the front.’ He said and he was confused. He wondered why he even had to tell his future-self this. It would be suicide and his future-self was supposed to know that. He had to know better than taking the front entrance...

‘Oh, we're not. They are.’ His future-self than said, pointing towards Cas, Risa and the others. ‘They're the decoys. You and me, we're going in through the back.’ He further explained. 

Dean needed a moment to process what he just heard. However, after a moment had passed he still couldn't believe he had heard it right. He must have misunderstood... ‘You mean you're gonna feed your friends into a meat grinder? Cas, too? You want to use their deaths as a diversion?’ He therefore asked. 

He wanted his-future self to say no, to deny it. It couldn’t be what he wanted. That couldn’t possibly be his plan to defeat Lucifer. So, he waited. He waited for his future-self to tell him that it wasn’t like that. That he’d misunderstood. However, his future-self didn’t deny anything. First, he just looked away, but when he finally spoke, Dean didn’t get the refutation he was waiting for. ‘It is the only way.’ Was all his future-self said. 

‘The only way!?’ He exclaimed. ‘No. No… you can’t- you can’t do this.’

‘This mission is important. You know that.’ His future-self added stoically. 

Dean didn’t understand how his future-self was able to keep that calm while he on the other hand, was losing it. 

Finally he’d found out what it was his future-self had been hiding, but only now he knew how ugly the truth was.

‘I know it’s important. Believe me, I fucking know! But that doesn’t mean you can just do this. These people are your friends and it’s- it’s wrong!’

‘It's a means to an end.’

 _‘A means to an end?’_ He repeated disbelievingly. ‘This is fucking wrong and you know it! Otherwise you wouldn’t have been hiding and lying about it the whole damn time.’

‘I lied because I knew you’d react like this! All you’ve ever cared about since the minute you’ve got here is Cas. It’s all been about him for you and whereas you might not see the bigger picture here, I do.’ His future-self bit back.

‘Oh fuck off! I know how important this is, you don’t need to tell me. But there has to be another way.’

‘Well, there isn’t. For God’s sake, haven’t we been figuring out options to get inside over and over again? This fucking building is almost impenetrable and you know it.’ He paused. ‘And I don’t like it either, but this is our only shot.’

Dean heard the justifications just fine, but they weren’t good enough. They would never be good enough. No justification was going to make the fact that his future-self was sending Cas and his friends off to their deaths okay. 

‘These people trust you! Cas trusts you. I mean… how can you do this to him?’ He asked but his future-self only looked away. Dean was glad that he at least had the decency to look ashamed of himself. And while he figured it was probably pointless, he had to try to reason with him. ‘You care about him right? I mean, you claim that you love him… So just- please don’t do this. Please… please let’s figure something else out. It’s not too late.’ He pleaded. 

For a moment, it looked like his future-self was considering it. ‘I can’t. He however said eventually. ‘There’s too much at stake.’

Dean shook his head in disappointment. ‘Oh, man, something is broken in you.’ He said. 

‘Shut up.’ His future-self said quietly. 

‘You’re knowingly sending the man you love to his death! What the hell is wrong with you?’

‘You don’t understand.’ He then said with a pained expression on his face. 

‘You’re right. I really don’t. Cas loves you and... he trusts you. He has sacrificed fucking everything for you! But what, you’re just letting him die?’

‘I know what he has done for me, you don’t have to tell me. And believe me, I wish that I was able to give him the life he deserves, but I’m not. The world we live in is horrible, but things are how they are and I don’t have the power to change it. All I can do now is put a damn bullet in Lucifer’s brain and as far as Cas is concerned; no, I don’t want him to die. But maybe this is for the best. This way he no longer has to suffer.’

‘That is bullshit! Don't fucking pretend as if this is what's best for him!'

'Cas told me himself that he's ready for this to be the end and he told me the life he lives isn't much of one. He would understand.'

'He would?' Dean asked unbelievingly.

'Yes! I believe Cas would understand that some decisions are hard to make, but need to be made nonetheless. That some decisions demand sacrifice.'

'Sacrifice?' Dean repeated. 'Even if it means betraying the people that trust you? I'm not so sure he would understand. I mean, I sure as hell don't. You're making decisions that I would never make. I would never do this!’

Suddenly, his future-self’s expression changed from guilty and pained to a hardened one. ‘You're right. You wouldn't. It's one of the main reasons we're in this mess, actually.’ He snarled. 

‘Oh fuck off. Don’t you realise that these people count on you? I mean, they trust you!’

His future-self only shrugged nonchalantly. ‘They trust me to kill the devil and to save the world and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.’

‘No. Not like this, you're not. I'm not gonna let you.’ He said, shaking his head.

‘Oh, really?’

‘Yeah.’ He then said resolutely.

Dean was opting what the best way would be to stop his future-self from going through with the insane plan of his when all of a sudden a fist collided with his face. 

He didn’t saw it coming and before he knew it, Dean saw black.

 

 

 

Dean woke up on the ground and when he sat up and looked around he realised that everyone had gone. 

They had left and realising that, he immediately got up and ignored his sore jaw. 

He’d only taken a few steps when he suddenly heard gunfire coming from inside the building. They were shooting inside. And Cas was there... 

However, Dean couldn’t believe that he was dead. He couldn’t be. Cas had already survived so much and Dean told himself that he wasn’t dying now either. He told himself that Cas was okay.

However, his gut was telling him something different. 

He forced himself to walk on and before he knew it, Dean found himself in the courtyard garden. What he saw there stopped him dead in his tracks. 

Thunder crashed and lightning flashed, and Dean saw himself lying on the ground; his own neck was being held down by someone wearing a white shoe. But he was still alive and with open eyes his future-self looked straight at him. 

Then suddenly the person shifted his weight and Dean saw his own neck break. 

He saw himself die. 

The person then turned around and it was Sam. _It was fucking Sam._ Or actually it was Lucifer – and Dean knows this – but the fact that the archangel was inside his brother was not something that was easy to overlook. 

‘Oh. Hello, Dean. Aren't you a surprise.’ Lucifer said and again thunder and lightning flashed. For a moment he disappeared, but then Lucifer was suddenly standing behind him. ‘You've come a long way to see this, haven't you?’ He then said in an awfully calm tone of voice.

‘Well, go ahead. Kill me.’ Was all Dean could say. 

‘Kill you?’ Lucifer asked, looking surprised. Then he looked over to the corpse of his future-self. ‘Don't you think that would be a little... redundant?’ He continued with a little smirk on his face. He sighed. ‘I'm sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this… shape. I could tell it was for him… But it had to be your brother. It had to be.’ Lucifer added before he reached for his shoulder. Dean automatically moved back in disgust. ‘You don't have to be afraid of me, Dean. What do you think I'm going to do?’

‘I don't know. Maybe deep-fry the planet?’

‘Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God.’ Lucifer replied as he examined a rose. 

Dean didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say and for some reason, he had trouble speaking at all. Thus, Lucifer continued. ‘You ever hear the story of how I fell from grace?’ He asked. 

‘Oh, good God, you're not gonna tell me a bedtime story, are you? My stomach's almost out of bile.’

Lucifer turned around and approached him. Then he spoke and Dean figured it really didn’t matter at all what he said to Lucifer since he just went on. ‘You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created...’ Lucifer paused and smirked again. ‘You. The little... hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you- to love you, more than him. And I said ‘’Father, I can't’’. I said ‘’These human beings are flawed, murderous’’. And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell. Now, tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially, when I was right? Look at what six billion of you have done to this thing, and how many of you blame me for it.’

Dean regarded Lucifer and then he realised that Lucifer actually believed that he was some kind of victim in all this. And it sickened him. Dean didn’t understand why the hell Lucifer was giving him the whole sympathy speech in the first place since there was nothing he could say to make him change his mind about him. ‘You're not fooling me, you know that?’ He therefore said, but he heard his voice already start to waver. ‘With this sympathy-for-the-devil crap. I know what you are.’

Lucifer just smiled. ‘What am I?’ He asked.

‘You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing my whole life. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego.’

Despite the fact he had just insulted him, Lucifer smiled. But it wasn’t in the way Sam used to smile at him. This smile just looked wrong and twisted. ‘I like you, Dean. I get what the other angels see in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon.’ He said before he turned to walk away.

‘You better kill me now!’ Dean then heard himself yell suddenly. He wondered why Lucifer hadn’t done it already and why the hell he even was still alive. 

A big part of him just wanted it to be over. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. 

Lucifer turned back. ‘Pardon?’

‘You better kill me now. Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop.’ He exclaimed. 

‘I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael, either. And I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up… here.’ Lucifer said calmly and Dean found tears streaming down his face. ‘I win. So, I win.’

‘You're wrong.’ 

Lucifer smiled again. ‘See you in five years, Dean.’ Lucifer said finally and then thunder and lightning crashed once more and Lucifer was gone. 

Not a second later it was Zachariah standing in front of him and Dean felt two fingers reach for his forehead. 

 

 

 

Dean found himself back in the motel room he’d occupied before he was zapped into the future. 

_He was back._

He leaned against the kitchenette sink and unfortunately Zachariah was still standing in front of him. 

‘Oh, well, if it isn't the ghost of Christmas screw you.’ He said and realised he still sounded very upset. 

‘Enough. Dean, enough.' Zachariah said exasperatedly. 'You saw it, right? You saw what happens. You're the only person who can prove the devil wrong. Just say yes.’ He added. 

‘How do I know that this whole thing isn't one of your tricks? Huh? Some angel hocus-pocus?’

‘The time for tricks is over.’ Zachariah responded calmly. ‘Give yourself to Michael. Say yes and we can strike. Before Lucifer gets to Sam. Before billions die.’

Dean left the counter and turned away from Zachariah. For a long moment, he considered it. He tried to see things from Zachariah’s- heaven’s point of view. They wanted him to say yes because they believed the world would inevitably turn into the future he’d just been in. Dean had to agree that he could not let that happen; so many people had been affected by the Croatoan virus, so many people had been hurt. 

Sam said yes to Lucifer. Bobby was dead. And Cas… 

_He couldn’t let that happen._

However, on the other hand, Dean didn’t agree with Lucifer or Zachariah on the fact that it was inevitable. He couldn’t believe that it was the way things were always going to end up in if he didn’t say yes. And suddenly, he remembered Cas telling him the exact same thing. It was when they had been talking on the couch in Cas’s cabin and how could he forget? It was the conversation after which they shared their first kiss. And Dean remembered Cas telling him that saying yes to Michael wasn’t a solution. He remembered Cas saying that him telling Michael ''no'' didn’t necessarily had to lead to the future they were in. 

Dean remembered how full of faith Cas had looked at him when he said that he believed that he could change things for the better. 

In the end, he was more inclined to listen to Cas than to Zachariah or to Lucifer. ‘Nah.’ He therefore responded finally as he turned around.

‘Nah?’ Zachariah repeated disbelievingly. ‘You telling me you haven't learned your lesson?’ He asked in a dangerous voice.

‘Oh, I've learned a lesson, all right. Just not the one you wanted to teach.’

‘Well, I'll just have to teach it again!' Zachariah responded angrily. 'Because I got you now, boy, and I'm never letting you-’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... future Cas and Dean are both dead, I'm really sorry people.


	18. Don't ever change.

One minute, Dean was in the motel room, standing in front of Zachariah and expecting a smiting, and the next he was standing on a quiet road somewhere in the open air. It was dark, yet streetlights illuminated his surroundings. There was no traffic in sight, the only sound came from the rustling of the tall trees that swayed slightly in the summer breeze. 

At first, he thought that he was alone. Only when Dean turned around did he see him.

_Castiel._

There he suddenly was. Cas was standing right in front of him and it felt surreal. Yet at the same time, all worry seeped out of him, his muscles relaxing at the sight of that familiar, ill-fitting trench coat. And Dean breathed out as he looked at Cas, his eyes roaming over the familiar coat, the rumpled suit and tie, his stoic face and his usual case of bed head. He looked so different, Dean mused; it was almost like he was looking at a completely different person.

For a while, Dean was at a loss for words. He had no idea what to say. Everything had gone by so fast that he'd barely had any time to process it all. And now he was standing in front of Cas, who was looking at him expectantly. 

‘That’s pretty nice timing, Cas.’ He said finally.

Cas smiled at his words and even his smile hardly resembled the way in which the future version of him smiled. This smile was just a quirk upwards at the corner of his lips and nothing like the expression his future-self wore; behind the smiles of that other Cas, Dean was always able to trace a degree of pain and heartache. But that wasn't the case for this Cas. This Cas, _Castiel,_ was not broken and still had that light in his eyes and Dean could almost kiss him - the expression was so damn beautiful.

‘We had an appointment.’ Cas replied simply and then Dean suddenly couldn’t help himself; he closed the distance between them, pulling the angel into a hug. He also couldn't help but smile at the comment; it was just so genuine, so pure... It made Dean want to hold onto Cas and never let go.

Cas however, tensed – probably in surprise – yet, Dean hung on regardless. 

‘Dean?’ 

‘Don’t ever change.’ Dean said firmly, though since they were standing so closely it was more of a whisper. 

Then Cas finally returned the embrace and Dean just loved how hesitant he was about it. He realised that Cas probably never had had a hug before and there was just something really endearing about that. And it felt good, to have Cas in his arms, safe and still completely himself. 

Finally, Dean forced himself to let go. He pulled back and they parted before the hug would stretch on for too long. Despite the fact that he would have liked to hold on longer, Dean knew that it probably wasn’t a good idea. Because, Cas still being Castiel had both its downsides as well as its perks; whereas the future version of him might have been painfully in love with him, Dean wasn’t sure if he and this version of Cas were quite there yet.

And Dean knew that he needed to be careful; he couldn’t risk what they could have together by trying to rush things and drag Cas into something he might not even want yet. 

_Because, what did this Cas want from him?_

He tried to remember future Cas’s words and Dean could remember him say that this Cas _did_ have feelings- that he wasn’t just some marble statue, that this Cas already cared for him. That it wasn't love yet, but that there was _something;_ that he already felt _something._ He was already more to Cas than just his ally or his charge and thinking about it, Dean smiled, because at least the foundation was already there. 

Castiel’s expression was confused but he didn't look displeased. Dean was still smiling as he clapped Cas on the shoulder. ‘Come on.’ He said. ‘What do you say we get out of here? Then I’ll call Sam in the morning.’

Cas nodded slowly, yet he still looked a little confused. ‘Didn’t you and your brother part ways?” He asked. 

‘Yeah, but I’ve uh… I’ve changed my mind.’ He said and Cas just looked at him as if waiting for him to explain further. ‘Zachariah he... Cas, he sent me into the future- 2014 to be exact, and what I saw…’ Dean cleared his throat. ‘Cas, it was bad and... he probably knew that I wouldn’t like what I would see… So, it was supposed to be some kind of lesson.’ He said.

‘A lesson?’ 

‘Yeah, basically... that if I don’t say yes to Michael, the world and everything I care about- everything I love would be ruined and... that saying yes to that dick is my destiny and that running from it is the biggest mistake I’ll ever make. I think that’s the lesson he was trying to teach me.' He explained and continued. 'But still, Cas… there has to be a better way to change it than letting Michael in, right? I thought… that together with Sam… I’ll be able to change things for the better.’

_It’s a second chance, Dean. And I have faith you’ll change things for the better._

Cas nodded in agreement and for a moment they were both silent.

‘Dean, what _did_ you see?’ Cas then asked curiously. 

_What did he see?_ Dean didn’t know where to even begin telling Cas of everything he’d experienced. Therefore, it was probably a good thing that he didn’t plan on telling Cas about it at all…

Still, the question made memories of his time in the future wash over him like a flood and they were at once chilling as well as beautifully bittersweet. 

On the one side, there were all the horrors… So many people were dead or turned into savages as a result of the Croatoan virus outbreak and everyone was affected by it one way or the other. Even those that weren't infected by the virus were affected by it indirectly: they didn’t have much of a life either since living in a world like that could hardly be called living. Also, living in such a world changed a person; he and Cas had been the perfect examples of that- of how much living in that future could change someone. 

Thinking about it all still sent a chill down Dean’s spine. 

However, on the other side, there still had been Cas… It was crazy to think that just a few hours before, he had been lying in bed with him, had been kissing him… And Dean could still remember so clearly what it felt like to kiss him and hold him... _God, he was missing it already._ He could still remember so clearly what it was like to spend those lazy mornings together in the cabin. How innocent Cas looked while he was sleeping and shit- he really was in love. 

He knew he really needed to tone those feelings down, however Dean found it difficult since all those memories were still so fresh on his mind. And of course, their night together was as well. 

That night, when he’d gotten everything he’d dreamed of with a Cas that had fallen so far, a Cas that was so broken. And while it had been a great night and while he still wanted Cas desperately, Dean didn’t want it like that again. Not with a Cas he’d hurt and damaged so badly. 

‘A lot of shit, Cas.’ Dean finally said in response. He paused a moment and then smiled. ‘But it’s nothing we can’t fix.’ He added. 

Cas smiled back at him and slowly moved closer. Dean however, stood rooted to the spot. _Was he going to…_

‘So, shall I?’ Cas asked and only then did it dawn on Dean what Cas was trying to do. Cas was asking him if it was okay for him to teleport him away. He already had his hand raised... 

Dean felt like an idiot. For a moment, he’d foolishly thought that Cas had actually been moving in to kiss him; which was stupid and ridiculous because this was _Castiel_ and this version of him wasn’t going to do that, no matter how much Dean might have wanted him too. 

Dean reminded himself in that moment that he couldn’t be making mistakes like that again- he couldn't mistake this Cas for the other one; they were different and this was a different Cas than the one he had just had spent days with. 

Because, standing in front of him was _his_ Cas; a Castiel that had already started to fall but who wasn't broken yet. And if he played his cards right- if he didn't screw up, he wouldn’t ever be. Because, whatever happened in the other timeline, wouldn’t happen in this one. He would make sure it wouldn't. 

‘Uh, yeah…’ He said, still flustered. ‘Go ahead.’ 

Dean suddenly found them standing in the dark parking lot of his last motel. And next to them, was baby. 

Although he was happy to see his car again, safe and sound, he felt unsure of whether it was safe to return yet. Just moments ago he’d been standing inside with Zachariah, who was pretty pissed at him. He cleared his throat. ‘You think we’ll be safe here from Zachariah?’ He therefore asked.

Cas shrugged. ‘I’m afraid there’s no place in the world where we’ll be safe from him.’ He started. ‘But I don’t think he expects us to return here and I thought you would want me to bring you back to your car.’ He then added as a matter-of-factly. 

‘Oh… yeah. Thanks.’ Dean responded and gave Cas an awkward smile. 

It annoyed him, but Dean just couldn’t help but feel a little awkward around Cas. Because it felt weird; it _was_ weird to be talking to Cas after everything he’d been through and everything he'd done in the future. Just like he had expected it to be... He only hoped Cas wouldn’t notice. 

But of course, he did. 

Cas was frowning a little. ‘Dean, are you alright?’ He asked. 

Dean gulped. ‘I’m fine. It just feels a little… strange… being back, I guess. After…’

‘I’m sorry, Dean. I tried to find you, but-’

‘It’s okay-’ Dean tried to reassure, yet Cas cut him off before he could continue.

‘I was… concerned.’

And Dean couldn't lie; Cas's little confession made his heart flutter. _Cas had been worried about him._

‘Yeah?’

‘I looked for you everywhere, but I couldn’t find you.' He sighed as he shook his head. 'Never had I imagined that Zachariah would teleport you to the future. It is done very rarely- if at all.’

Dean nodded.

‘And I imagine it wasn’t just a few hours for you?’

‘Uh, no.... It- it was longer that. A lot longer actually, I think I might’ve been there for... for two weeks.’ Dean answered.

‘I see.’ Cas said gravely, but then the smallest of smiles pulled at his mouth, soft and barely noticeable. 

Yet, Dean did notice. ‘What?’ He asked. 

‘All that effort Zachariah put in teaching you a lesson... And yet, you remain unyielding. You still refuse to give in. I admire that about you, Dean.’ The angel replied sincerely, eyes never shifting their gaze from Dean's face.

At the words, or the gaze - Dean wasn't even sure -, heat rose to his cheeks and Dean actually felt himself blush.

‘At any rate...' Cas continued. 'I’m still sorry I didn't find you sooner.’ 

'Cas, it's- really, it's okay.' Dean said. 'Though at times there wasn't anything I wanted more than getting back... I have to say it wasn't all bad.' He admitted.

Cas's expression was unreadable, but it looked as if he was waiting for him to continue- for him to say more. But, Dean didn't, so after a brief silence, Cas spoke up again. ‘Do you… want to… talk about it?’ He asked tentatively. 

‘What?’

‘Isn’t that something you humans do?’ Cas then dead-panned and Dean couldn’t help but laugh. 

‘Uh, I guess so… But no, I- I don’t need to talk about it. Uhm… the details aren’t really that important anyways…’

Cas only nodded in response. 

‘Or are you just that curious, Cas?’ Dean then teased. 

‘Perhaps I am.’ Cas replied with a serious face, but Dean could swear that for a second, he flashed another little smile. 

Dean chuckled. ‘Well… then maybe I’ll tell you some other time.’ Dean said and while a part of him felt like telling Cas everything right then and there, he just couldn’t do it. 

Besides, he could always tell him later, maybe a couple of years down the road, once the future he’d just been in was safely averted. However, right now, there were just too many truths in the telling that Dean wasn’t ready to reveal. 

Cas nodded in acceptance, however Dean could still see a flicker of curiosity in his eyes.

There would be time, but it wasn’t now. It wasn't their time yet, though as Dean looked into Castiel’s eyes, he dared to hope that their time wasn’t far off; he could hardly wait to find out what things would be like with this version of Cas. With _his Cas._ Badly did he want to know what this Cas tasted like and god, he wanted to experience with him everything he’d experienced with the future version of him- and so much more.

Dean wanted it all so badly, but he could wait. He could be patient... Because he knew that this was something worth not rushing and worth doing right. And Dean knew that the times ahead of them weren't going to be easy, but maybe it was that the best things- the richest things, were not supposed to come easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aah finally reached the end! I've really enjoyed writing this, though part of me is glad that it's finally finished. I’d be so grateful for any feedback, so please leave me a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!
> 
> Gha.. I really hope this last chapter was satisfactory since I know many of you had been looking forward to the 2009!Cas/Dean reunion... I know there hasn't been a kiss or anything, but I hope you enjoyed their conversation nevertheless. 
> 
> I have been thinking about adding more, I was thinking about a part wherein maybe Cas and Dean finally get together or wherein Dean tells Cas about his time in the future, but I'm not sure yet.. Let me know if that's something you'd like to see and I'll consider continuing! Or if you have ideas or suggestions about a sequel/timestamp, you can also let me know. I'm definitely open to it if anyone's interested. 
> 
> At any rate, thank you so much for reading and also huge thanks for all the comments, kudos and bookmarks; they really kept me going and drove me to finish this <3


End file.
